tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66444652024-03-07T02:21:59.275-05:00Sharing the journeyLaura http://www.blogger.com/profile/09704615155406558382noreply@blogger.comBlogger163125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644465.post-75184779737619352882016-05-13T11:49:00.000-04:002016-05-13T11:49:20.026-04:00Get back up baby!<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px; white-space: pre-wrap;">This morning I decided to go for a run downtown, to break the monotony of my latest neighborhood runs. While on my run, I tripped pretty suddenly, and to my shock I went flyyyyyyying and landed pretty ungraciously with what can only be described as a heavy thud, and well....It hurt. A lot. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I was fervently praying that nobody saw me, cause I gotta tell ya...it FELT like one of those falls where you just can't believe how BADLY someone can truly fall. Like one of those BAD America's Funniest Home videos my boys and I can't even laugh at because we feel SO bad for the poor soul who just bit it so hard. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px; white-space: pre-wrap;">My pride was hurt, my clothes got dirt on them, and it was painful. Then...just like in life, I had to decide if I was going to keep running. So I laid there for a second, caught my breath, got back up, dusted off the dirt, and prayed that if someone DID see, they could also see that I got back up, and kept on running. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I'd love to tell you that's always been my attitude but truth is most of my life I would have gone back to my car, licked my wounds, felt sorry for myself, and then I would have driven home in shame and defeat. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px; white-space: pre-wrap;">You never know where your next life metaphor will come from...sometimes it comes at you while you're laying on the sidewalk wondering WHAT the heck just happened, pride and ribs bruised. Then truth washes over you and you tell yourself: "Hey, you're not who you used to be, now get up, and let's keep running." </span>Laura http://www.blogger.com/profile/09704615155406558382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644465.post-60943400173755597802016-02-19T10:55:00.001-05:002016-02-19T10:55:52.617-05:00Grief <div class="p1">
<span class="s1">It’s surprising to still find so much sorrow and grief inside..as though the grieving never fully reaches its end. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">Turns out the process of grieving my life, my losses, my pain, and my sin has taken longer than I ever thought imaginable. Years. A process that comes and goes, starts and stops, finds me suddenly and surprisingly in rare moments of quiet, or in the middle of the hurried crazy pace of life. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">Back a few years ago when this process started at the prompting of a God who loves me too much to let me sit stuck in my misery, I thought: I’ll do this hard thing. I will be brave.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">And in 3-6 months I’ll be a BETTER version of myself, right? Let’s do this! </span></div>
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<span class="s1">Today I sit in such a different space. YEARS later, still grieving, still finding raw places of deep pain, still sifting through the rubble, and thinking, I don’t know how long this is going to take, or what I will find on the other side. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">It is slow, so slow. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">It is deep. It runs down into the roots of my being, covering and coloring my entire life.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Pain</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Loss</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Regret</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Brokenness</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Repentance</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Sorrow</span></div>
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<span class="s1">He leads me into these places deliberately, like a good daddy, leading the way in wisdom, patience, and compassion. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">The thing is, when you spend your entire life denying pain and hiding from it, once it starts coming, it’s just so much, it makes sense that it takes a long time to feel it all. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">But He knows and I know now too, that unless I do, the joy will never be AS full. And already the joy I’ve had in this long and painful season has been deeper than ever before. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">Deuteronomy 30:19 (NLT) says:</span></div>
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<span class="s1">"Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life…”</span></div>
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<span class="s1">I chose life. I choose it consistently….clawing my way back from the allure of denial and numbness. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">And in choosing life I discovered that LIFE comes with PAIN. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">Life, real life, LIVED with my heart and soul carries suffering. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">And in the pain I keep choosing life, because the love, oh THE LOVE HE has for me carries me through all of it. And the joy found in His arms is not like any I’ll ever be able to concoct on my own terms.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">And THE FREEDOM. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">The freedom to be, to hurt, to sit in the reality of the story He is writing with my life. The freedom to be held by perfect arms of love is the safest place I’ve ever known.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">The grief takes me step by step, tear by tear, closer to His heart, and closer to myself. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">In His heartbeat I find a WHOLE world that does not exist without letting go. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">What’s that thing people say when they really enjoy their work out? “Hurts so good!!”</span></div>
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<span class="s1">It hurts to so good to LIVE a real, broken, painful, deliberate life. It hurts so good and it’s full of beauty. Full of Jesus. Full of hope. </span></div>
Laura http://www.blogger.com/profile/09704615155406558382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644465.post-58827698943002349622014-11-30T09:43:00.002-05:002014-11-30T09:43:37.111-05:00A love letter to the WOMEN in my life <span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14px;">Boy some days I just can’t stay in bed another minute because my brain starts swirling with all the things God is telling me, mixed with all the things I am telling myself, memories, thoughts, ideas…..</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 14px;">So, coffee…and quick, someone hand me a pen so I can write it all down before it’s all gone and all I have left is a headache. That’s a filthy lie, I need a keyboard, because there is no way that my hand can go fast enough to write all that is brewing between my ears. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14px;">It is still amazing to me that some of the most important lessons in life can be packaged in the simplest ways. Often I expect a huge moment, an epiphany, a light bulb going off and a dramatic and sudden understanding. But the longer I am alive and do life with Jesus the more this isn’t at all how things happen. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14px;">One small and dramatic moment may in fact happen, but then it calls my attention over to all the small, seemingly mundane moments preceding it, all the seeds, the breadcrumbs, the accumulations that gave shape to this mountain of understanding. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14px;">I had one of those moments recently and it suddenly opened floodgates of understanding. Again, the moment was not in and of itself remarkable, and it also wasn’t really just one moment. It was one long string of days when my eyes and heart were opening, and things suddenly making their way from my brain to my heart. And it is still happening. And I am caught up in this tide of swirling new, exciting, stimulating, liberating new ways that Jesus is showing Himself to me, and it is extending to what He is showing me about all that surrounds me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14px;">I see things differently. Today I could not wait to get out of bed to start making a list of all the things I am noticing for the first time as intricate and delicate parts of a larger and remarkable scheme. But I can’t. I can't really make a list, because these aren’t “listable” things. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14px;"><i>It is life itself. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14px;">And if I were able to describe life itself with mere words, well, it wouldn’t be as captivating and amazing as it actually is. I can’t describe what my heart is grasping, because it has nothing to do with my brain, where words are organized neatly, and where concepts can be explained rationally. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14px;">I am opening my eyes and I am seeing -maybe for the first time- the sheer amount of love that surrounds me, and it almost literally takes my breath away. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14px;">I can’t explain all that is happening, but there is one thing, one specific thing that completely delights my heart in an almost completely new way. <i>The amazing women in my life</i>. See, I have been a fairly social person for my entire adult life (ok, ok, stop chuckling) and I have always enjoyed being around people. But it was always more of a <i>taking </i>for me what I was lacking inside myself. I was kind of a parasitic social person. I was around people partly because I enjoyed them, and partly because I “NEEDED” them to </span><i style="font-size: 14px;">make me </i><span style="font-size: 14px;">feel like I was something. I was always taking more than giving, I was needy, and found a mostly acceptable way to survive. Notice, I am using past tense, NOT because i am no longer like that, but because I am finding and learning new ways. I will probably always struggle with this aspect of my personality and heart. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14px;">For this reason, the women in my life have always been important to me, and friendships have always been an absolute lifeline for me, becauseI have always enjoyed rich relationships. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14px;">But then…I had never realized that I had never truly learned to be vulnerable. And I had never really learned what love entails, because I had never felt safe enough to allow myself to let down my protective walls. Interestingly I had convinced myself I was vulnerable, because I was “ open” with others, and was always wiling to share about myself. But I was really just hiding behind my walls of humor, loudness,and “openness” enough to truly let anyone inside my heart, where it was cold, dark, and lonely. That journey began years ago, and it has been slow and full of sometimes highly frustrating lessons, dry and fruitless seasons, but it has made way for all this new understanding. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14px;">And it has made way to this moment. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14px;">The moment when I <i>felt safe for the first time</i> in my life. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14px;">Safe enough to let a wall down or two. And it has changed <i>everything</i>. And I owe this to Jesus, His persevering pursuit of my soul, and to the amazing people He has filled my path with. Many of these people are amazing, beautiful, remarkable women. And they have made a life changing difference. Because when the walls came down, I could finally SEE THEM. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14px;">It is so ironic. I spent my entire life demanding that others MAKE ME ok, while keeping them at an impossible distance, and when I finally allowed Jesus to melt my defenses and was willing to be vulnerable, one of the first things that happened was, I was able to forget myself for a bit. AND SEE. Ladies in my life, </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14px;">I could see <i>YOU for the first time</i>. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14px;"><i>And when I could actually see YOU, I felt loved. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14px;">I am sitting here being FLOORED by this realization, literally tingly with excitement over this one small concept. God has made LOVE to be this way! He has made it so that when I feel safe, and I am willing to be vulnerable with you, I will see YOU, and that alone will be enough to feel loved by you.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14px;">I was motivated to finally get over my fear, and share myself, because I WANTED SO BADLY TO BE LOVED. But as soon as I felt safe and loved, I saw that you, YOU also really want to be loved. And You are also offering parts of yourself, You are also needing to be seen, known, held, smiled to. I could see you as you are. And women….YOU ARE LOVELY. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14px;">I sit here contemplating the amazing women in my life and now, a LIST does come to mind! </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14px;">You are:</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Tender, Kind, Strong, Powerful, Gracious, Giving, Motivated, Protective, Caring, Self-sacrificing. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i>You have smiles that light up rooms, laughter that melts hearts, voices that calm storms, arms that hold broken pieces together.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: Helvetica;">You have the power to bring life with you wherever you go. You extend yourself and stretch out arms and hands, and hold out hope, and trust Jesus with your life. </span></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14px;">And your love has restored me. Your kindness and pursuit has melted my stubborn heart. Your laughter has kept me company, your smile has made me feel known. And I desire to know you, and laugh with you and smile knowingly, and make YOU feel known. Your joy has become MY joy, your sorrow, MY sorrow. Your desires mine, and your prayers, I hope to never forget to pray them for, and with you. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14px;">You MUST know, that you have brought hope to a hopeless one</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14px;">you have brought love to one who felt unlovable</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14px;">you have brought light where there was darkness</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14px;">You have brought LIFE. You have inspired life. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14px;">Sweet amazing kick ass woman. Do you know the power that lives inside you? I pray you do. And because I am me, I will be loudly obnoxious about it until you KNOW, without a doubt, about the incredible power you hold inside. Because YOU have changed my life. </span></div>
Laura http://www.blogger.com/profile/09704615155406558382noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644465.post-24368152214059136492014-11-26T10:44:00.001-05:002014-11-26T11:08:26.029-05:00Gratitude<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Gratitude is a funny, mysterious thing. In my experience, it cannot be summoned, manufactured, or provoked. I know there are very sweet, kind, loving people who advocate it as a choice. Just decide, be grateful, make a list, count your blessings. It will be good for you. I am not saying these are bad ideas in and of themselves, but rather that for me, they just weren't enough. I actually ended up feeling guilty when I couldn't quite work up my gratitude, when I couldn't be appropriately grateful for all the good reasons I should be. Aaaaah, should. My least favorite word. I would "should" all over myself and just create guilt, not gratitude, shame, not gratefulness. My focus was off. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The lists are great, but they have to come from a different heart. For me, my heart needed (and still needs, no doubt) changing, and growing. My focus needed changing. My shoulds needed to go away, give way to grace, acceptance, and freedom. A heart that isn't free CAN'T be grateful, it just can't. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So, what am I actually, honest to goodness, down to my soul grateful for in this season? My heart is changing, and my focus is most definitely changing. My heart, in actuality has always been free, I just didn't know it. I did not LIVE as if I was free, I did not live as if I had been transformed by the immense love of Jesus, or by the reality of what the gospel did for me. The reasons for why that was the case have actually been written about in many previous blog posts, and it's not the point of this one. The point is, that as my heart began opening, changing, and I could experience the true freedom of living LOVED, without shoulds, my heart automatically did the thanking. My heart automatically was oriented towards this unintelligible grace that was pouring down on me. I could not escape God's pursuit...determined, and unwavering. I could not escape His love, His surrounding me, His forgiveness. His all invasive and transformative mercy. THANK YOU came naturally. Without any shoulds, it came from a free heart, recognizing true freedom, and love, perhaps even for the first time. <span class="versenum" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"> "Love </span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 24px;">always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:7</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I cannot begin to tell you the astonishment of walking this life of faith for so many years in what felt like frenzied fruitless shame. It breaks my heart to see how much time my heart needed, how much pursuit, how much insistence. I am not just stubborn in my head, but in my heart too! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Faith requires a lot from us, trust sometimes, for some of us, seems like utter insanity after what we have lived through and survived. Paradoxically though, it is the ONLY thing that ever has a chance at healing our messed up heart. Without trust there is no love, without faith there is no real hope. Trust and faith, even the smallest amounts, can open the doors to the most amazing love we'll ever know this side of heaven. Gratitude is wonderful, it floods the heart, it pours out of your face with sheer joy. But it comes out of what is in the heart. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My heart today is full of joy because I am loved. And because the One who truly loves me knows me and has cleansed and forgiven (and will continue to forgive) all that is depraved within me, I am constantly being renewed, cleansed, and loved. Loved, accepted, cleansed, forgiven, given new life, given new hope. And given a life that goes far beyond the tiny life I know now. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am grateful to finally grasp that, in my heart. I AM SO grateful to be known, by the only One who will ever truly know me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="versenum" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">Tim Keller talks about this change in focus, in his sermon about the priority of the inner life. Referring to the reality of Jesus' sacrifice, and God's provision and pursuit,(the GOSPEL) he says (I *might* have paraphrased): "</span><span style="line-height: 24px;">To the degree you let it melt your heart, to the degree you allow it to orient your life, you will experience a joy beyond the walls of the world <i>(and from that, Gratitude!!!)</i> When you take the gospel and you apply it to your spirit, it is a Renewed Spirt. Use it for the HOPE in your heart. It is the ultimate love, joy, hope."</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 24px;">Love, joy, hope. I am saying, these, are prerequisites for gratitude. And because He knows this, He floods our hearts, pursues our souls, and sacrifices for us. And I am so grateful today for that unchanging reality. </span><br />
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"I will give thanks to the lord with my whole heart" Psalm 9:1</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am so grateful I don't need a list. Just awe, wonder, stunned joy. LOVE. Real, ever-lasting, unchanging Love. That's what makes me grateful. </span><br />
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Laura http://www.blogger.com/profile/09704615155406558382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644465.post-39684153305932887562014-11-07T11:59:00.000-05:002014-11-07T11:59:02.269-05:00Perfect Love casts out fear <span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14.3999996185303px; line-height: 15.4559993743896px;">Yesterday I listened to a fantastic sermon by Tim Keller about fear and anxiety. By the way...dude can preach! </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14.3999996185303px; line-height: 15.4559993743896px;">The closing part of it was a simple yet powerful statement "You won’t be able to overcome your fear unless you are in community. The opposite of FEAR is love. Fear is self centered. Love is self giving. THEREFORE you will never deal with your fear all by yourself, you have to love somebody." In that moment I knew not only the truth about the people in my life </span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14.3999996185303px; line-height: 15.4559993743896px;">who have become that for me, but beyond that, the relentless pursuit of a Savior who has SURROUNDED me. He knew the depth of my brokenness, loneliness, shame, and desire to be known. He surrounded me with people (You know who you are!) who have SEEN me. </span><br />
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14.3999996185303px; line-height: 15.4559993743896px;">Enough that I may come out of hiding and consider that I MAY be lovable. And if I am, then I might also be capable of giving love. And if those things are true, then I may have a shot at overcoming my fear. My biggest fear. The fear of not being known. Of not being WORTH knowing. WORTH the effort, worth the time. </span><br />
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14.3999996185303px; line-height: 15.4559993743896px;">Yes, Jesus is my identity and who He says I am NEEDS to be true for me, BUT, He is also gracious enough to reiterate that message in loud, unavoidable, real, tangible, flesh and blood ways. This is how He SHOWS me who I am. Through the people in my life. These people, these broken wounded healers of my soul. Thankful doesn't quite begin to describe what I feel today. </span><br />
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14.3999996185303px; line-height: 15.4559993743896px;">Melting, thawing out, tentatively believing, slowly standing up. These are more accurate descriptions of what this love is doing to me and for me. </span><br />
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14.3999996185303px; line-height: 15.4559993743896px;">I pray and desperately hope I can offer the same to even one person in my life as I walk forward and keep choosing to believe this about myself. THIS is redemption. THIS is love. This, is the GOSPEL of Hope.</span>Laura http://www.blogger.com/profile/09704615155406558382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644465.post-85976312506875753642014-09-09T17:40:00.002-04:002014-09-09T17:40:25.053-04:00What I learned from yoga today<br />
I do yoga sometimes. I mean, I <i>PRACTICE </i>yoga. that is the proper Yogi way to say that, my bad.<br />
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And every time I do it, I think, man this is good, I need to do this more often! And then I don't, but that's a topic for a whole 'nother blog!<br />
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Point is, today, aside from my usual "epiphany", I realized that throughout the whole 90', I was really receptive to what the instructor was saying, and learning. And I paid attention, and what do you know? I remember most of what I learned, so here it is:<br />
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1) breathe. so simple right? I don’t know about you, but from the moment I wake up, I am rushing, pushing, and moving about frantically. Sometimes it’s because I have somewhere to be, but I swear more often than not, I realize it’s a habit, a state of mind that automatically takes over once I get up and out of bed. a little voice that YELLS “come on, get going, hurry, you have places to be and things to do!”<br />So…breathe. what a concept. Take a SECOND to ask yourself why you’re even running and rushing and stressing everybody around you. And take a few deep breaths.<br />
<br />2) Relax your face.<br />This one made me chuckle. I can picture myself saying this to a stressed out friend. “relax your face!!” like…"keep your pants on!”<br />This one is cool literally and also metaphorically. Just relax, it goes well with breathing. Much of what we’re rushing to and from is relatively inconsequential in the eternality of things, i promise.<br />So relax your face, and your throat, your neck, your chest, your arms, well..you get the idea.<br />
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3) Let go of what you don’t need.<br />This one hit me hard and much more deeply than it was probably intended. For me, the theme of the season is shame. Let go of the shame and the lies found therein. Although I know a huge part of the process has to do with what Jesus does in my heart and I cannot will it anymore than I can will my dog to STOP licking the carpet (ok maybe I do have more power than i think in that scenario), I consciously have to exercise my will, and say, I won’t. I won’t keep carrying this baggage that doesn’t serve me, I won’t keep holding on to the end of this rope that is choking the life out of me. I will ask Jesus and the Spirit to fill me, but I will make room.<br />
<br />4) Ask yourself, what do you need?<br />The folks that wrote the book "Truefaced" say that you can’t feel love until you accept and admit that you have needs, and identify what those needs are. I was reading that this week and had been thinking about it So when the Yogi said “ask yourself, what do you need?” I thought she’d either read my mind or maybe I was meant to be there today and hear her ask that same question i’ve been asking myself all week.<br />Initially it seems so self indulgent, and so unchristian to be spending time trying to figure out what my needs are. But as the Truefaced authors explain -and I agree-, you can’t give what you don’t have. and you can’t receive love unless your needs are being met, and you can’t have your needs met if you don’t even know what they are. Bottom line, if you want to be able TO LOVE others, you have to first make sure you are capable of receiving love. It goes well with letting go of what you don't need, because it makes room for what you do need.<br />
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None of this is truly news, it just happens to be what I was already thinking about, pondering and considering, and chewing through this week, and it was so helpful to find it in the context of my work out.<br />
And it has made me curious about people, and how we experience love, and whether we even realize that having needs is ok, and God-given, and that it would be good to get in touch with who God has made us in terms of our needs, and how we receive and give love.<br />
<br />So, I'm wondering, what do YOU need?Laura http://www.blogger.com/profile/09704615155406558382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644465.post-36615340368144673772014-08-26T10:16:00.001-04:002014-08-26T10:16:17.521-04:00No one will take her out of my hands <div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px;">
I woke up this morning hung up on the thought that what was good about me was taken away when I was young, and I have spent my life covering up the gaping hole by “becoming” this “person” that I thought could….manage in the real world. And to my “credit” i managed somewhat for a short while, until it all started falling apart. </div>
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So I have been attempting to tear down the false masks, the carefully constructed persona, the idols of my heart that have sustained me, even while I struggled to really love Jesus. It’s a freakin’ mess. No other way to describe it. </div>
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I don’t mean to sound dramatic, but the painful realization this morning was:</div>
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“My father took what was beautiful about me and twisted into an ugliness I can’t seem to shake. If what I am is a twisted corrupted version of me, then I don’t even know what have I have to offer” </div>
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Now, maybe its just me but thats a pretty bleak way to start a Tuesday morning! </div>
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Then I checked my email and saw the "She Reads Truth” email. The wonderful She Reads Truth ladies are studying the book of Hosea, and I have to admit, most days when I see the email with the day’s passage and devotion, I skip over it. I’m too busy, and the maybe later…turns into never.</div>
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Aaah but today, today I read it. and wept. </div>
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Just yesterday I was doing my homework for theology class and reading about the Bible. The supernatural quality that makes it come alive again and again. The quality that makes it speak to a specific believer in specific ways. The way in which the Spirit uses each word in His perfectly appointed time, to instruct, correct, convict, and comfort.</div>
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My incessant and stubborn pursuit to make myself into something in spite of the ugliness I carry inside has defined my life. I has at times taken me away from God, it has caused me to choose sin and darkness, it has made me self-destructive. It has taken me down paths that have caused pain and darkness for those I love. It has only heaped more shame onto my already burdened heart. But God….in His infinite love and pursuit continues to tear down layers of shame and pain, and continues to lay down more bits of grace and beauty. Little by little.</div>
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This morning it felt as though overnight He was peeling away a layer, and making room for this morning’s grace. When I woke up i was disheartened, empty, tired. Nothing to offer…..kept ringing in my ears….</div>
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then I read <u>Hosea chapter 2</u> from the She Reads Truth email that was sitting in my Inbox.</div>
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v 10 NO ONE WILL TAKE HER OUT OF MY HANDS</div>
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v14 Therefore I am now going to <b>allure </b>her; I will lead her into the wilderness and <b>speak tenderly</b> to her. <div>
There i will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of<b> hope.</b> <div>
There she will respond as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt.</div>
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19- I will <b>betroth </b>you to me <b>forever</b></div>
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I will betroth you in <b>righteousness </b>and justice</div>
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in love and compassion</div>
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I will betroth you in <b>faithfulness</b></div>
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and you will acknowledge the Lord.</div>
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I wept because My God, my Father, My Savior is RELENTLESS in His pursuit. I wept because my heart was overwhelmed with a love I have chased all my life but didn’t believe actually existed. I wept because my hard cover and walls are coming down and in my fear and uncertainty he bathes me with love, with beauty, with words that I didn’t even know I so longed to hear from the only One who can truly speak them and mean them. I wept because I desire to be made whole, and pure again, and He promises that He already has! I wept because I desperately want to belong to someone strong enough to HOLD ME….forever.</div>
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NO ONE WILL TAKE HER OUT OF MY HANDS. </div>
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Betrothed forever. Beloved. That’s it. That’s all I got. </div>
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For I am His, and He is mine. </div>
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Laura http://www.blogger.com/profile/09704615155406558382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644465.post-73848688761709827882014-08-13T10:54:00.002-04:002014-08-13T10:54:50.499-04:00Thank YOU. For me<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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as though you are aimless, alone, and have no safe haven, no place to take
refuge? I have had many seasons like that, and each time, I strive to hang on
to Jesus for my safety and comfort, but I usually fail. I get desperate, anxious, and mad. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: windowtext; font-family: "Baskerville Old Face","serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">What I hadn’t counted on were
countless of these seasons amounting to home. Countless desert nights amounting
to a safe oasis. Countless tears of loneliness cried to a God who seemed distant
turning into love. A Love so rare and so deep it made me wonder how I hadn’t known
it before.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: windowtext; font-family: "Baskerville Old Face","serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">What I hadn’t counted on were the
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: windowtext; font-family: "Baskerville Old Face","serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">I didn’t anticipate this feeling
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<span style="color: windowtext; font-family: "Baskerville Old Face","serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">This is what Jesus has been trickling
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</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: windowtext; font-family: "Baskerville Old Face","serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">I hope if you are reading this today
that you KNOW you are a part of this amazing tapestry in my life, and what’s
more amazing, in many other lives as well, no doubt, though I cannot speak for those. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: windowtext; font-family: "Baskerville Old Face","serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">YOU have brought me healing. You
have been used by God in wonderful redemptive and miraculous ways I cannot
begin to adequately describe. And you may not have known it. It may just have
been your smile one day. Or a silly joke, or a glass of wine…it could have
seemed like nothing at the time…</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: windowtext; font-family: "Baskerville Old Face","serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">This is what I know today. I am loved
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will never be the masterpiece it was meant to be this side of Heaven, but oh…it’s
going to be glorious someday! </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: windowtext; font-family: "Baskerville Old Face","serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Thank you. If you have ever SEEN me,
and known ANY part of me, and if ANY part of me has delighted you, if you have
ever gleaned anything good at all FROM me, if any goodness was exchanged
between you and me. Thank you. I owe you….myself.</span></div>
Laura http://www.blogger.com/profile/09704615155406558382noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644465.post-64250040066509439432014-08-11T10:59:00.000-04:002014-08-12T09:05:21.130-04:00Hope<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: windowtext; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">So much is swirling in my brain and
in my heart it’s difficult to know where or how to start. But it needs to come
out of my head. So it may be difficult to follow, it may be messy and not
properly edited, but I don’t care.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: windowtext; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">To be sitting here so broken, so
afraid of what’s next, so raw and unprotected feels asinine, it feels like the
opposite of what I should be doing, the opposite of what I have always known to
do best. Hiding. I’m an expert hider. It’s all I have known and the only way I
have survived my life. But I sit here today naked, my cover is gone, and it’s
because slowly but persistently the God who loves me do desperately has pursued
and relentlessly surrounded me until I could let go. Until I had no choice but
to let go. He has shown me the uselessness of my ways, the futility of my
striving, and allowed me to break down, and give into His grace. Each layer of
protection He takes away feels like being killed, it feels like dying, it feels
like the pain I’ve been hiding from all my life will swallow me whole. It feels
cruel, and mean one moment and the next moment it feels like the only hope I will
ever know this side of heaven. How? How can feeling so much pain and feeling so
hopeless lead to something good?</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: windowtext; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">The paradoxes of God never cease to
amaze me and leave me with very inadequate and empty words to attempt to
describe it, but I still try because…because I never want to forget this. If I have
ANYTHING of value to offer anyone it is my open bleeding and broken heart, that
beats for Jesus still. That hangs on to His hope, and His sacrifice for ME. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: windowtext; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Maybe none of this makes any sense if
you don’t know me, if you don’t know my life, my past, my journey, and my
story. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: windowtext; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">There are details too horrifying to
ever put on paper (or on screen) so I will spare you those. I will share that
as a little girl my hope was taken away. My body was violated, my soul was
murdered by the very people who were supposed to love me, care for me and
protect me from a difficult and painful world. I had no hope. I had no dreams,
I learned at a very tender age to never hope and dream, to never believe in
good things, to fight for survival and protect myself from ever DESIRING love
again. But I also learned something more vile, vicious and toxic. I learned to
believe that the shame of the sin done against me belonged to me. I not only
believed that, but I became that. I BECAME THE SHAME of my abuse. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: windowtext; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">And then I became whatever I needed
to become in order to escape that shame. In order to hide from it and to hide
it from others. I became whatever I needed to become in order to be loved. But
here’s another paradox. I had learned that needing love invited abuse, so I
couldn’t really allow love in, but I was still desperate for it, so I allowed
abuse instead, because it was at least human contact and attention. Abuse begets
more abuse, and the only way you learn to relate is to prostitute yourself: “I’ll
give you this if you give me attention” is not love. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: windowtext; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">I manipulated others in order to feel
any kind of human acceptance, I lied to myself and others and manipulated my
ways into situations that would offer a taste of what I thought I wanted. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: windowtext; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">I have never known what it means to
respect myself, to love myself. The love of Jesus!? It has taken over 15 years
of His relentless pursuit to start to peel away the layers of my stubborn
protection. But it wasn’t protection at all. Sure, it kept me from literally
dying inside when I was young, but after age 18 it was no longer protection. It
was quite literally the opposite. It is the way I have kept people out of my
heart, and kept myself at a distance from the possibility of ever being known.
My shame still defined me. If you see my shame, I will die. Not so different
from Adam and Eve huh? I was ashamed so I hid. And then right after that starts
the blaming game “the woman you gave me”. In my case it became “the life you gave
me”. I blamed God (albeit completely subconsciously) for everything I got, and
everything I didn’t get. So all I had was shame, cynicism, and a fierce
determination to make it. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: windowtext; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">You have never met anyone so determined TO NOT be
defined by abuse and brokenness. Or anyone so utterly defined by her abuse and
brokenness.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: windowtext; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">And yet somewhere deep down I did
desire to love Jesus. And little by little, He took this tiny desire and grew
it, through trials, through His relentless pursuit, His amazing forgiveness, through
his providence and provision, and in the face of ALL MY OUTRAGE, all my
rebellion, all my sin and all my stubborn decisions to do life on my own, He
never, ever gave up on me. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: windowtext; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">So today I sit with the broken pieces
of my heart in my hand, all my desperate attempts to hide have failed me. The fear
of who I might be if I let it all down is no longer bigger than the desire to
let go and be free. I saw a t-shirt yesterday at the mall that had a picture of
the cross, and a soldier and it read “Freedom isn’t free”. My freedom certainly
isn’t. It isn’t free of pain for me, and it wasn’t free of deep pain and sacrifice
for Jesus. I have spent my life running and hiding from pain, and desperate to
be loved. But the paradox here is that once I could allow myself to sit with
the pain of what was taken from me, I could actually and finally let love in.
The pain I have held inside from the murder of my soul is heavy. It is big, it
is vast it is deep, it is crushing. It takes my breath away and it threatens to
swallow me up. But it is NOTHING compared to the immense and endless love of
Jesus, who doesn’t just love me, but fights for me. And He fights harder than I
ever could. And His weapons against my shame are love and grace.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: windowtext; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">I have deceived myself into thinking
that loving Jesus and working hard to “make myself ok” are the formula for
freedom. 15 years worth of sermons, books, talks, and prayers about grace and I
was still striving to work hard enough to cleanse my own shame and brokenness. The
fact is, the shame inflicted on me is so egregious, so vile, so dark, there
could never be enough I could EVER do to make it ok. It was not, and is not OK.
The only antidote against that kind of evil is surrender. Surrender to the ONLY
one who truly has the power, and has already defeated the evil done against me.
He has already cleansed me, He has already made me whole, holy, and pure.</span></span></div>
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</xml><![endif]--><span style="font-size: 11pt;">You don't think trusting is really all that hard until you
realize it means giving up everything else, every other safety net, and you're
left feeling empty. </span> All I have
left is a stubborn and desperate desire to hang onto my Daddy’s hand<span style="color: windowtext;"> and to learn to TRUST Him. </span>The Only
One that has ever loved me perfectly, the Only one I can truly trust with my
life. The Only One who gives me hope. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Laura http://www.blogger.com/profile/09704615155406558382noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644465.post-79070523304369223832013-06-26T16:38:00.001-04:002013-06-26T16:38:22.044-04:00Surrender, and find freedomI have two counselors. The Holy Spirit is one of them :-) and with the help of my human counselor, He has been revealing some very important facts to me, specifically about my tendency and need to control.<br /><br />See, because of my deeply abusive childhood, I grew up needing, and therefore artificially manufacturing, safety and security. I had none coming from my parents, who should have been providing it, so as a child, it was the only way to "survive" the deep emotional trauma being inflicted upon me.<br />
But as I grew up, my life became a fruitless exercise of manipulating people and circumstances (mostly completely subconsciously) to create this pseudo-safety. To attempt to lessen the crippling fear and loneliness in my heart, and my desperation to know and be known and deeply enjoyed. <br /><br />I am now starting to unravel this, and to see, and feel (in some ways for the very first time) that God has been patiently waiting for me to freely receive this safety. He is giving me security, safety, love, and He is delighting in me, even as I still strive to get this from others, as I stubbornly still attempt to control.He is the ONE who is meant to give me everything I need and more. But it is a TOUGH thing to break free of. My desire for PEOPLE's approval, affection, acceptance, is addicting, constricting, destructive in some ways. Destructive because it takes place of my desire for God, and His deep and bountiful love. And because it blinds me, and compels me to control, take over. It compels me to idolatry.<br />
<br />This past Sunday, one of my pastor's points was that if you truly want to seek after God's paths MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE, you WILL eventually let go of the lesser things. And as much as I truly enjoy people's company, love and acceptance, they ARE the lesser thing.<br />
I have to a certain extent always known that they are the lesser thing, and I could never truly figure out why it was so hard for me. One of the turning points was identifying my deep wound, realizing what I desire most is to feel safe, and then taking it one step further and bringing my desperate need for security to My Father, The ONLY one who can TRULY give that to me. Those last 3 steps have proven to make all the difference. Before identifying that I always felt like a dieter, who would lose 20 pounds on the diet and feel great for 4 months, and then binge, get fat again and feel gross and like a failure. It was like a spiritual binge-diet cycle.I was trying to white knuckle it on my own, instead of surrendering to Him.<br /><br />So while I struggle in this bondage and this realization... up and down, some days better than others,(like any addiction you can only go one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time), I have identified some ways in which this addiction plays out in my life. For example, I have been strongly tempted to control situations in which I feel people will NEED TO KNOW where I stand, what I think, WHO I am. Because if I don't set them straight, how will they KNOW that I know and love Jesus? what if they get the wrong idea? what if they assume certain things about ME!? <br />I'm sure I have missed out on many opportunities to love, TRULY LOVE those who most need it, because I am too busy making sure they KNOW what it is I want them to know about....ME! because then I will be able to tell them about Jesus!:-/ Boy do I have it backwards!!!!! See, as long as I am forgetting the One who really has the power to free
me (and love me and fill me and satisfy me) I am also forgetting He is the only one who can do that in and for those around me, as well. Not me.<br />
<br />
When it comes to loving others, <b>IT'S SO NOT ABOUT ME.</b><br />
<br />He is the one who changes hearts. He is the one with the power to break through bondage. He is the one who offers life everlasting.<br />
Jesus loved FIRST. His pleasure was to do the Father's will and to LOVE, offer grace, offer LIFE. I am fairly sure He didn't waste a moment thinking about his reputation. And as I set myself aside (dying in the flesh and alive in the Spirit) I find deeper joy than I've ever known while self-promoting. <br />
<i>The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Gal 2:20</i><br />
<br />
If I desire true and lasting freedom from my addictive controlling ways, freedom from the fruitless and desperate desire for approval, surrender is the only way to get there. Surrender to the unending love He has already shown me, to His higher ways, to the path HE has for me. No matter how painful the lessons, they are worth my complete and utter FREEDOM. It was worth His very life. So I lay down my life, my need for control and safety, that I may live for Him. That I may have freedom, and life to the full. <br />
<br />
<i> <a href="http://biblehub.com/matthew/11-28.htm" style="color: #001320; text-decoration: none;"><span class="reftext"></span>“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.</a><a href="http://biblehub.com/matthew/11-29.htm" style="color: #001320; text-decoration: none;"><span class="reftext"></span>Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and <span style="color: #001321;">YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS</span>.</a><a href="http://biblehub.com/matthew/11-30.htm" style="color: #001320; text-decoration: none;"><span class="reftext"></span>For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.</a></i><span class="brk"><i>" Matthew 11:28-30</i></span><br />
<br />
<br />Laura http://www.blogger.com/profile/09704615155406558382noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644465.post-44897702761280189052013-01-13T22:03:00.000-05:002013-01-13T22:03:22.992-05:00I am weakPastor Tyler delivered an excellent sermon today..well, he always does...<br />
A lot of what he said made me think, but there was one thought in particular that I really needed to hear again, from 2 Corinthians 12:9:<br />
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in
<b>weakness</b>.Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my
weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."<br />
<br />
I have been having an exceptionally hard time with that. My weakness truly bothers me. I have had such peace lately about trusting Him, about practicing letting go of control, and resting in His care. And yet, I am still so far from where I long to be. I am still so broken, and my ways are by default still so twisted.<br />
<br />
And then this truth was "dropped" on me kind of out of nowhere and it landed right in the center of my aching and weary heart. It's ok to be weak. Actually, it is preferable because His power is made perfect in my weakness. HIS POWER IS MADE PERFECT IN MY WEAKNESS. I have to repeat that to myself and let it sink in, let it go deep, and land where I can accept what He has already accepted about me. <br />
<br />
He has already seen the depths of my weaknesses. He has already accepted these weaknesses, and His power has already overcome them. His perfect power already covers me, today, right now, as I am.<br />
<br />
"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on Me"<br />
<br />
Whoa....boast? like..out loud? Hmm, challenge accepted. The weaker I am, the more powerful He is, right? So here goes, I shall boast gladly about my weakness, and choose to take the opportunity to see Him and His power instead, at work in and through me.<br />
<br />
I am weak when I seek to be god in my life, to be in control of things that I cannot and should not control<br />
I am weak when I seek to provide for my own needs instead of trusting Him and seeking His peace<br />
I am weak when I appoint myself as judge of others and their actions and motives. When I decide that I somehow know better than they what they ought to be doing<br />
I am weak when I sin against another in anger, when I let my hurt injure another<br />
I am weak when I give out of compulsion, instead of out of genuine love <br />
I am weak when I am tempted to sin to lessen my suffering, and when I can't see that to suffer for doing good and enduring the pain while seeking Him for comfort is where His freedom is<br />
<br />
There is so much more, but that will do for now ;-)<br />
<br />
I am thankful for my inability "do better" <br />
When I relinquish any illusion that my self control is enough, my freedom begins. When I give up the idea that I can do better by simply gritting my teeth and trying harder, I can really start to grow.<br />
When I stop trying to control my sin, and run to Him, Jesus can step in for me and take me the rest of the way. <br />
<br />
I can't say that I have ever enjoyed my weakness, I mean..who does? It reminds me of everything that I hate. It reminds me that I am not in control. It reminds me that I can't win, try as I might.<br />
But, today I am thankful. I can see and name my weakness. And I am so thankful that I can go to Him whenever they crop up. Constantly, over and over. I can go be with Him each time, and let His grace wash over me, and let Him carry me.<br />
<br />
I am thankful <span class="text 2Cor-12-10" id="en-NIV-29033"><sup>"</sup>That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10</span><br />
<br />
<br />Laura http://www.blogger.com/profile/09704615155406558382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644465.post-68909183707770862592013-01-06T10:39:00.002-05:002013-01-06T13:15:56.218-05:00WaitingPursuing God is confusing....perplexing, and sometimes frustrating<br />
But I figured something out this week,while reading "The Healing Path" by Dr. Allender. I have read and heard the metaphor of the "desert" many times as a means to express the dry and lonely place where we sometimes find ourselves on our Spiritual journey. But this time, it truly echoed in my heart like never before.<br />
<br />
One particular thought really struck a chord and moved me deeply. I hadn't considered some of the implications of the nature of this desert place,and how it affects our hearts. It caused me to see Him differently, to see the process differently.<br />
"To walk the healing path, we must wrestle with our refusal to keep<b> <i>traveling between desire and satisfaction</i>,</b> where God neither answers our prayer for healing nor clearly illumines a path away from fear. God lets us wait, not to punish us, not because he has forgotten us, because our waiting is the crucible he uses to purify our hope for him."<br />
<br />
This paragraph brought a new epiphany for me.<br />
There is space between desire and satisfaction. It is uncomfortable space, I'll give you that, but never before now did I think of this space as fertile ground. I always thought the desert was where I suffered in silence, gritted my teeth and waited <u><b>until</b></u> he delivered relief.<br />
But I see it differently now. He brings me out into the desert, but not to grit my teeth. He wants me open enough to want, to desire, in order that I may come after Him, but He doesn't move in immediately to meet me and my need...He lets me linger in this space. It's not barren and dry, but it's not yet luscious either.<br />
It seems kind of mean, doesn't it? Almost cruel even... this in-between, this limbo.<br />
<br />
But it's not, it's beautiful. He knows my heart better than I do, and knows just the right time to come for me. He leads me into the uncomfortable place, slowly and helps me loosen my grip on my self sufficient ways. He leads me to a place where as I let go, I see my need, want and desire.He waits long enough for me to stop looking in the world. He waits long enough for me to stop actively trying to get for myself what He isn't giving me yet. He draws me out as I slowly release.<br />
Then once He has my attention, He waits some more.<br />
<br />
That is where I am today. I recognize my need. My deep desire for the abundant life He has promised me. I desire love, passion, pursuit. I desire to be known and cherished and romanced. I desire wild adventure.<br />
I have looked elsewhere for all of this. I have sought to secure all these things for myself (albeit sometimes, or most of the time,subconsciously) through manipulation,by using others, by victimizing myself, by giving myself away. By betraying my own integrity in order that I may experience a cheap imitation of what my heart is made for. When I have done that, I have gotten farther and farther away from my heart's true desire. From what God intends for me, from what I was created to be and to have.<br />
<br />
That's when the anger has set it. I have protested. I have shaken my fists in the air and demanded an explanation, demanded deliverance, and satisfaction, allowing that anger to fester in my heart and make me unpleasant, whiny, entitled. When I get to this place I have a choice. My anger and disappointment can lead me to shutting down, and giving up. It can lead me away from His path and His peace. That has been a temptation, I will admit, but I don't do well in that barren and hopeless place. I usually resolve to do better. I resolve to seek Him and try again, but what I am seeing now is that in actuality what I have done is resolved to "fix" things and work harder at taking care of myself. While keeping Him somewhat close, just in case I need Him. But I am realizing this. I don't get to have both my ways and His ways. So while I keep Him on "stand-by" I am in fact choosing to comfort myself, rather than letting Him come for me.<br />
This time I am choosing to be uncomfortable. I am choosing the space between desire and satisfaction.I am choosing not to resolve, but to let go. <br />
<br />
It's an interesting and confusing dance. By allowing my heart to still desire and want but not taking any action to satisfy them, I allow hurt and fear to come into my life. But in this pain I wait for Him. At times I have thought that if I am willing to bring the desire and pain to Him, He will come meet me and satisfy me with His love and His goodness. After all, that is <b><i>why</i></b> He brings me to this dry land, isn't it? To <b>fill </b>me with Himself.<br />
<br />
But He doesn't come right away. Maybe it's because first my heart has to be ready for Him. Ready to give up my self sufficiency, and my manipulative ways of insisting on living in the illusion that I am the architect of my own joy and peace.<br />
So in the past when He didn't come to my rescue at once, I have taken this as a sign that I once again needed to "take charge". Sure, God will rescue me, satisfy me and fill me, but for now I need to make things happen. For now, I am on my own, while I wait. I'd better get busy while I wait.<br />
God knows how many opportunities I have squandered for true communion with the source of all comfort while I was busy fending for myself!<br />
<br />
I am seeing things differently right now. When I wait, I get to make room for Him. I make room, not make things happen. I let Him come, not take over.<br />
In this space there is room for my heart to experience the Peace that comes from Faith. That which the heart believes, though the eyes cannot see. While I wait I don't get to manipulate, dictate, orchestrate or any other -ate. That's what waiting is! That is what faith is.To wait is to delay action. That in and of itself is like a foreign language to me.<br />
No action? No comprendo!<br />
But it is necessary. No action, no movement, unless He directs. No plan on how I will rescue myself from my loneliness, my unfulfilled longings, and the deep sadness that accompanies them. No band aid, no anesthesia, no distraction.<br />
<br />
It is necessary to truly be still and not succumb to the temptation to take over. It is necessary to not expect Him to come to me at my will and on my terms and my timing.<br />
It is necessary to let go of my illusions. It is necessary to face my fears, my what ifs. What if I let go and everything gets worse? What if my desires crush me? There are no guarantees and no definite answers, just that He is.<br />
<br />
The only guarantee I have is Jeremiah 29:12-13 "<span class="text Jer-29-12" id="en-NIV-19648">Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.</span> <span class="text Jer-29-13" id="en-NIV-19649"><sup class="versenum"> </sup>You will seek me and find me when you seek me with <b>all your heart</b>."</span><br />
<br />
<span class="text Jer-29-13" id="en-NIV-19649">I think I have glossed over that part before.<i> "with all your heart".</i> To seek Him with all my heart means I have given up my ways first. It means I have laid down my weapon, my resources, and my plans. It means I have abandoned my strategy </span><span class="text Jer-29-13" id="en-NIV-19649">to secure my own happiness</span><span class="text Jer-29-13" id="en-NIV-19649">. It means I am accepting my utter dependency and am willing to follow Him into the desert where He calls me, and there, wait for Him and Him alone, without a back-up plan. For as long as I need to. </span><br />
<span class="text Jer-29-13" id="en-NIV-19649">That promise is true. And if that promise is true, then my end of the deal is to give all my heart.</span><br />
<span class="text Jer-29-13" id="en-NIV-19649">To do that I must continue to practice snatching my heart back from the jaws of the illusory promise of self satisfaction. And hand the beat up, shredded, pitiful thing back over to Him. Again and again.</span><br />
<span class="text Jer-29-13" id="en-NIV-19649"><br /></span>
<span class="text Jer-29-13" id="en-NIV-19649">I won't lie, I find it lonely and somewhat bewildering. Unsettling and uncertain. Patience in waiting is not my strongest virtue.</span><br />
<span class="text Jer-29-13" id="en-NIV-19649">But the beauty of it all is, I also find it deeply healing. He pursues me. He calls me out, and He promises to come. In the waiting, while I hurt and long for relief, there is a heart that is free of illusion and self deceit. </span><br />
<span class="text Jer-29-13" id="en-NIV-19649">In the waiting there is hope and anticipation of His coming. </span><br />
<span class="text Jer-29-13" id="en-NIV-19649">And once He comes, I know that the exhausting fight and the lonely desert will have been well worth it. </span><br />
<br />
<br />Laura http://www.blogger.com/profile/09704615155406558382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644465.post-17208999757212925542013-01-02T21:31:00.002-05:002013-01-02T21:31:16.639-05:00My New Year's ResolutionsI hate contrived, "traditions" whereby we make each other feel like we aren't quite doing enough, or being enough. <br />
It sounds too much like a "should" and I hate those too.<br />
<br />
But....<br />
<br />
I am very much in favor of making intentional decisions to do good things, to be good things, to work on things. That, I can get on board with. <br />
<br />
So here goes...I have been thinking about what it is that I am not currently doing or practicing that I think would be good to do. <br />
I don't necessarily respond well to formulaic resolutions like, I vow to do x every day. or every other day. or Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays. I am too much of a pain in the ass. Oops, I mean, rebel. I don't do well with schedules, formulas or too structured an expectation or plan. The wild animal inside of me might get spooked and run, and then...well, what good would that do anyone? <br />
<br />
So, instead I think, I want to do more of those things that are good for me, for others, overall and all around GOOD stuff. How much more? I don't know, I don't much care either. However much is good, however the Spirit leads, just...more. That's quantifiable enough for me. If I am putting more good out there, I don't think it matters if I can measure it.<br />
<br />
The number one thing I want to do more of is, Love God. And I mean...more, so much more than I do now. And the only way to be able to do that, is know Him more. My knowledge of Him is limited, and by logical consequence, so is my Love and devotion to Him. But I want more. More of Him, more communion with Him, more day to day, hour by hour, minute to minute with Him. More intimacy, more dependency, more worship, more trust. All I really need to do here is be MINDFUL. It really isn't a huge change, just a small shift, but what a difference it makes. To seek Him in all things, to see Him in and through people, beauty, love and grace...and fun, and laughter, and sweet things.<br />
The number 2 I want to do more is a very convenient outflow of number 1. I want to love others better. I figure this one will take care of itself because that is what God does when we seek Him. He pours Himself into us and then out through us to those around us. <br />
In the past I have gotten this process backwards and gotten very jumbled up and confused. My determination to love someone out of my own strength and gumption just aren't anything compared to God's love flowing through me, with all the freedom and grace that it carries. My limited love is flawed and conditional, broken and selfish. I desire more, and I will go to the Source for it. More love, more power, more of You in my life. (wow, that's a blast from worship music blast!).<br />
<br />
So there it is, those are my 2 (but really one) resolutions. I will look for Him everywhere. I will ask, and I trust Him when He says that I will receive.<br />
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. (Matthew 7:7)<br />
<br />
That's the promise I am hanging onto and trusting Him with. I trust Him with my heart and I am excited to follow Him in wonderful new adventures in loving Him and those around me.<br />
<br />
Oh! and last thing, I also want to earn as many college credits as humanly possible in one calendar year. But that's not at all related, is it? ;-) <br />
<br />
Laura http://www.blogger.com/profile/09704615155406558382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644465.post-84643084762173051992012-12-22T21:17:00.000-05:002012-12-22T21:17:27.390-05:00Like little children...You can learn a lot from watching kids....<br />
<br />
I observe one particular trait in our little ones in the classroom very regularly, and that is, the tendency to want to take over, be in charge.<br />
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Many times in one day I will hear myself say to one of them: "Are you the teacher? Do you trust your teacher?" In other words, do you trust the one who is in charge? And that the one who is in charge can see the whole situation?<br />
Do you trust that I care? Do you trust that I will be fair, kind, and want what's best for you even when it isn't what you want?<br />
<br />
Their answer is usually yes. I mean, they know their teachers are kind and loving. They know that we want good things for them. And yet....<br />
<br />
They want to take charge of the situation<br />
They believe they are the only ones who know what the right answer/response/ course of action is<br />
They are tempted to take charge of others' and their behavior/decisions<br />
They are tempted to take for themselves whatever it is they want. Whether it's an actual thing, a privilege, or even "justice" <br />
<br />
And I see their dilemma so clearly. I trust my teacher. I trust My Father. I really do. I know He wants good things for me, I know He can see the BIG picture, I know He is just and loving<br />
And yet....<br />
<br />
I want to take charge, I believe I know what the right course of action is, I want to tell others what to do, I want to get for myself what He isn't giving me. <br />
<br />
What do you suppose is going on there? I mean, I am a smart woman. I know these truths about My Father, not just theoretically, but from actual experience. What is the matter with me?<br />
Why do I still want to grab control and do for myself what God isn't doing for me? <br />
I mean, I am a pretty smart cookie, but I'm not smarter than God. If He isn't intervening, might there be a reason? a lesson? a purpose?<br />
<br />
That's the hardest part for me to swallow. If there is a purpose (and there always is) to my frustration, I may not get to see that now. I may just have to walk forward in faith and not see the purpose, lesson or reason for a while. And all the while, all I will know is that I am trusting Him, more than I trust me. More than I trust my eyes, my ears, and my heart. <br />
<br />
I ask as much from "my kids":<br />
trust me<br />
follow me<br />
listen to me<br />
<br />
You will learn that I love you and care well for you, you will learn that you can let go, and that being in charge is not what you were designed for.<br />
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Be the child, I will be the teacher. And how much happier you will be....<br />
<br />Laura http://www.blogger.com/profile/09704615155406558382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644465.post-77791448000247047282012-12-08T16:55:00.001-05:002012-12-08T16:55:19.249-05:00Holy BoomerangThis has been quite a week...One of those weeks where after it's done, you figure you'd better write some of it down before you forget.<br />
<br />
On a night earlier in the week, I tucked in my sweet boy, turned off his light, and as I was walking out of his room, seemingly out of the blue he said, quite urgently and emphatically :"Mama, I don't want to feel what death feels like" ...um, WHAT!? his words hung in the air...time stopped for a minute or so, I felt blindsided.<br />
<br />
I rushed back to his bedside, held him and we talked for a while. We talked about our Father who loves us. Our Father whom we trust with our lives. We talked about not being afraid because we follow Him.<br />
Then, inexplicably, I felt strongly that I should say these words to him: "You don't need to be afraid, because Jesus fights for you". So I did. I told him, and it seem to soothe him. We talked a bit more and I felt that again. So I held his perfect little face in my hands, looked into his eyes and repeated "Jesus fights for you". He smiled. My heart could hardly stand it. It was one of those moments you never forget as a mom. I pray that he will never forget it either, but, who knows, he's only 6 :-) <br />
<br />
We continued with our week, and as it turned out it was a more eventful week than we had planned. I will not sit here and talk about all the details. Let's just say some things happened. We felt sufficiently turned upside down, a little stunned, a little shocked, and sad. Just sad.<br />
Paul and I talked, a lot, we tried to make sense of some things, we sought advice, we analyzed, we tried to understand and in more than one way tried to digest what was happening.<br />
We were hurt, and we were scared. Then one night I shared our week with a dear friend, and she said :" We <i>happen</i> to be studying Kings at Community Bible Study, and we just talked about the story of King Jehoshaphat, look it up". She gave me the chapter and verses of this most amazing story.<br />
<br />
Here's the part of it that stunned me:<br />
<span class="userContent">"This is what the Lord says to you: ‘Do not
be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is
not yours, but God’s. <i>You will not have to fight this battle</i>. Take up
your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give
you...<i>Do not be afraid</i>; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them
tomorrow, and <i>the Lord will be with you</i>.’(2 Chronicles 20:15, 1)</span><br />
<br />
<span class="userContent">My own words came back to me as I read this, </span>straight to my heart:<br />
"You don't have to be afraid, because Jesus fights for you". <br />
<br />
There's this Chris Tomlin song (that I just <i>happen</i> to have heard for the first time this week) and it goes:<br />
<br />
"<span itemscope="" itemtype="http://schema.org/Lyric"><span class="line line-s" id="line_1">I open my mouth</span>
<span class="line line-s" id="line_2">And <i>You speak for me</i></span>
<span class="line line-s" id="line_3">You moved the mountain</span>
<span class="line line-s" id="line_4">And rolled back the sea</span>
<br /><span class="line line-s" id="line_5">And <i>I will not be afraid</i></span><i>
</i><span class="line line-s hover" id="line_6">I will never be ashamed</span>
<span class="line line-s hover" id="line_7">For You are with me</span>
<span class="line line-s hover" id="line_8">You are with me</span></span><br />
<span itemscope="" itemtype="http://schema.org/Lyric"><span class="line line-s hover" id="line_8"> </span><span class="line line-s hover" id="line_8"> </span></span><br />
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That is exactly how I felt. I opened my mouth and He spoke for me, as I tried to comfort my son. And then those words came right back to me like a holy boomerang,just days later, to soothe my soul, and quite frankly, to shock my socks off. It's not that I don't know that our gracious and almighty God does things like this, it's that I do not remember the last time I felt that I had opened my mouth and have Him speak for me, and TO me, at the same time. Maybe it had never happened before. It left me speechless. Wow, what a liar, that's not true at all. I am almost never speechless.(if you know me, you can stop laughing and nodding in agreement). No, actually, the opposite happened, I could not shut up about it. </div>
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As it turns out, the next day I went into work, and we were discussing a delicate matter involving one of our sweet students. He's been having a hard time following rules and respecting his friends and teachers .</div>
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But we know this boy. We love this boy. And we know Jesus knows and loves this boy. He is smart, kind, strong. But he struggles. As we talked about him, His truth just rose up in me....JESUS FIGHTS FOR HIM!He <b><i>needs</i></b> to know that. </div>
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So I drove over to his classroom, and I sat with him. I read him the story of King Jehowhatshisname, as he listened attentively. Then I looked at him and I said "do you understand? The King didn't even have to fight. He just prayed, praised God, and was courageous enough to just walk in faith"</div>
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He understood, of course, because he is smart, so I continued. "Jesus fights for YOU.You don't have to do this in your own strength, because He fights for YOU, ok? Will you remember this?" </div>
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He smiled his big beautiful smile and said "YES" enthusiastically. I hugged him, gave him a high five and went home. </div>
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I came home and the whole weight of it crushed me, in the most wonderful of ways. The boomerang went around more than once. His word will not return void to Him. His word is truth, His word comforts.</div>
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<span class="text Isa-55-11" id="en-NIV-18752">The book of Isaiah says: </span></div>
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<span class="text Isa-55-11" id="en-NIV-18752">so is my word that goes out from my mouth:</span><br /><span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks"> </span><span class="text Isa-55-11">It will not return to me empty,</span></span><br /><span class="text Isa-55-11">but will accomplish what I desire</span><br /><span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks"> </span><span class="text Isa-55-11">and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.</span></span></div>
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<span class="indent-1"><span class="text Isa-55-11">The book of Isaiah, interestingly. That's our student's name: Isaiah, as in "The salvation of the Lord".</span></span></div>
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<span class="indent-1"><span class="text Isa-55-11">Are your socks off yet?</span></span></div>
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Laura http://www.blogger.com/profile/09704615155406558382noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644465.post-20602242814061992462012-07-28T17:12:00.000-04:002012-07-29T08:59:01.809-04:00The Lord is my lightI struggle, I fight, I clutch.<br />
<br />
As I seek God, I also flee from him,fearing his inevitable disappointment in me.<br />
I know me, I know what I'm capable of...I know my heart, my desires, my weakness.<br />
I am sadly familiar with my ability to break Gods heart and my own .<br />
At times it's all I can do to simply not succumb to my worst wishes for self destruction...<br />
At times I crawl on my knees asking Him to save me from myself..<br />
At times I realize, all I ever need to do is give into His heart.<br />
<br />
But it's a dance, it's a coming and going, it's an up and down, to and from, it's a tornado of confusion, sheer willpower, brokenness and freedom.
It is paradox, it is up and down at once, it is black and white intertwined.<br />
Only one certain truth: His love<br />
Only one real freedom: His peace<br />
Only one true life: His life lived in me <br />
Only one thing I can do, only one clear choice:<br />
To fight, still<br />
To get up, once more<br />
To continue to choose life, in the midst of death<br />
<br />
His grace redeems me, His peace soothes me, His love surrounds me.<br />
<br />
The Lord is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the [a] defense of my life;
Whom shall I dread?
Psalm 27:1Laura http://www.blogger.com/profile/09704615155406558382noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644465.post-12345940062057676222012-06-23T10:45:00.000-04:002012-07-03T11:00:04.618-04:00What to write...what could I write?
When nothing inspires me but I know I'll be glad I sat down and started clicking on the keyboard...
When it seems that I should have something to say (I always do) and yet nothing specific shows up to get things going...
What would I write about then?
I'll write about writing...
About the feeling I get as the words roll out and take shape and suddenly just make perfect sense
About the sensation that something else is taking over, someONE, inside and finding the words I can't.
About the joy I experience when I read what I have written and recognize it as my own. And about how I marvel at the fact that it came out almost in spite of my effort.
When I sit down to write and feel as if it is a futile exercise, that's when I know something will be written for sure.
It always finds a way through and out, because after all,
I always have something to say .Laura http://www.blogger.com/profile/09704615155406558382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644465.post-56610302079537594832012-06-19T10:12:00.000-04:002012-06-19T10:12:00.133-04:00Smelly RamblingYou know what I love? Well, many things, but today, I am loving this morning scent.<br />
The distinct smell of a summer morning, the warmth permeates and it affects everything. Sitting in the backyard smells different. It smells like hope. It smells like serenity, and peace.<br />
<br />Fine, you think I'm nuts, so what? That's a risk I took long ago when I wrote my first post on this blog, I'm ok with that!<br />
<br />
I am very much a smells person. Certain scents can transport me instantly to a different place and time: my grandma's house, my elementary school, my first job...most scents I encounter are quickly filed away and I find it almost impossible to NOT stop and smell the roses. Smells are just, powerful to me.<br />
My father smoked throughout my whole childhood and to this day, although I hated his habit, when someone lights a cigarette, I am drawn to that new cigarette smell. I hate cigarettes, makes no sense. And yet it makes perfect sense to me.<br />
<br />
I love smelling Paul's shirts when I do laundry...I love the smell of summer skin, the way skin smells when it's just warm but not quite sweaty yet (I told you, I'm ok with you thinking I'm crazy), I love the smell of a freshly brewed cup of coffee. I love jasmine....my favorite plant smell. <br />
<br />
What I am really soaking in this morning is the gift that is just sitting here, smelling my backyard, and thinking about how crazy God made me. And relishing it. I enjoy the world in a way that may be just a little "off", but the point is the enjoyment. Taking a moment to sit and smell, and just....<br />
<br />
taste and see that the Lord is good. And smell....can you smell it? I can :-)Laura http://www.blogger.com/profile/09704615155406558382noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644465.post-17640379262209450602012-05-26T12:47:00.001-04:002012-05-26T12:47:42.859-04:00Freedom<br />
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span lang="ES-UY">I sang songs in the car, my heart deep in worship, delighting in a wonderful morning....And then, suddenly the image that came to mind while
I sang was of my heart... The organ itself, wrapped in sin....
Literally engulfed and tied up in an unravel-able web... Knots of selfishness,
idolatry, egotistical thoughts and actions, preoccupation with myself, my self
esteem, my image, my performance, my satisfaction, on and on...</span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span lang="ES-UY"> It didn't disgust
me this time, as it has before-- It saddened me, as I imagine it deeply saddens Jesus.... But the truly
beautiful thing I felt was the utter dependence, as I so clearly not only realized but also felt my need for grace. </span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span lang="ES-UY">I Stand broken and sin ridden, <i>TODAY.</i> I don't know why this felt new, but it did.</span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span lang="ES-UY">I'm not confessing some far away sin
committed when I was young and stupid... Lesson learned, forgiven, moving on... I
am living in the reality that my heart is under siege, taken over, like a neglected
garden overgrown with weeds,overtaken by sin, <i>NOW</i>.... Even as I observe
that I've been walking with Jesus for so many years, the truth is, sin has been
my most consistent companion all along, and Jesus has been patiently waiting, coming in and out as I've allowed Him to...in momentary lapses of clarity and need.</span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span lang="ES-UY">As Brennan Manning says "to be alive is to be broken, and to be broken is to stand in need of grace"</span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span lang="ES-UY">Never have I felt this more clearly than I do now. It's not about a specific action, one large and obvious affront to His perfect grace. It is the daily, ongoing battle that rages on in my heart for my freedom, my very life.</span></div>
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<span lang="ES-UY"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="ES-UY">Is it possible that I was dead to this for so long, even while in my mind, knowing the truth? Asleep perhaps? or just blind....That I really thought all this time, that it was possible to love Jesus and live so utterly consumed with myself? "You cannot serve two masters" No, I cannot....So the inescapable conclusion is, I have been serving one. </span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span lang="ES-UY">One master: Laura. I have been serving at the altar of Laura, worshiping and catering to myself. This is a hard truth to swallow and admit, and yet unless I do, I cannot be free of this utter megalomania. The thought that it really is about me, my life, my needs, my wants, my "happiness". It isn't. IT SO ISN'T. </span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span lang="ES-UY">If I have life, it is for His glory. If I have any good in me, it is through Him. If I have value, it's because HE loves me. All things are from Him, through Him and for Him. All things. That includes me. Not master Laura, but servant Laura. It's not about my happiness, it is about His glory and the freedom and joy that I can find in Him. </span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span lang="ES-UY"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span lang="ES-UY">I read a while back about how we say we want to experience God more fully, and yet, we do not dare pray the prayer, because that is a dangerous prayer. It means to be open to being broken. I put the book down that night convinced I wasn't ready to be broken. Too worried about what that would mean for me. I put the book down and thought: "not yet, I'm not ready yet."</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span lang="ES-UY">Foolishness. As if whatever I am holding onto can come even close to what He has for me!</span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span lang="ES-UY">But He knows better, and so brokenness came, all the same. My heart was already open, though I tried to close it down. My eyes could already see, though I tried to un-see the unsettling truth. There was no going back, and so it washed over me as if all this were new truth, new knowledge, when in reality it is all familiar to my mind, and yet it was a new awakening in my heart, in the midst of the pain. The pain of who I've been, who I am, and how far they are from who I want to be. The pain of the hurt I've caused, the blind selfishness I have inflicted on others, the emptiness of a life lived for self. But most of all the pain of realizing, that while He always holds onto me, I have not been holding on to Him. I have chosen to cling to this world. I have chosen myself over Him, again and again. </span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span lang="ES-UY"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span lang="ES-UY">Yet the pain is sweet when it comes interlaced with His grace and freedom. When I am ready to see that I have nothing of worth that comes even close to what He has for me, I grow, I cling, I seek desperately, for His life, not mine. His freedom is real, His life is full. And my striving can stop. My desperate need to defend my ego, my worth, my existence, can stop, and I can rest, truly rest in Him.</span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span lang="ES-UY"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span lang="ES-UY">And I have to cling daily. Because daily my body and heart want to serve the wrong master. I have to cling daily to His grace, or all is lost. Thankfully His grace is infinite and so are His love and His patience. </span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span lang="ES-UY"></span>What heights of love, what depths of peace</div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease<br />
My Comforter, my All in All<br />
Here in the love of Christ I stand</div>Laura http://www.blogger.com/profile/09704615155406558382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644465.post-4139670578705578662012-05-16T11:12:00.004-04:002012-05-16T11:12:56.783-04:00BrokenThis is where God met me and broke me today...<br />
<br />
In my car, heart open and wounded, music blaring, tears falling:<br />
<br />
<i>(From East to West by Casting Crowns')</i><br />
<i> </i><br />
Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west<br />
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again<br />
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest<br />
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west<br />
From one scarred hand to the other<br />
<br />
I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light<br />
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night<br />
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals<br />
<b>I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me</b><br />
You're holding on to me<br />
<br />
<i>(From Word of God Speak by </i><i>Mercy Me)</i><br />
<br />
I'm finding myself at a loss for words<br />
And the funny thing is it's okay<br />
<b>The last thing I need is to be heard</b><br />
But to hear what You would say<br />
<i></i><br />
Word of God speak<br />
Would You pour down like rain<br />
<b>Washing my eyes to see</b><br />
Your majesty<br />
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(From Stronger by Reuben Morgan & Ben Fielding)<br />
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<b> You are stronger You are stronger</b><br />
Sin is broken you have saved me it is written Christ is risen Jesus you are Lord of all<br />
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No beginning and no end You're my hope and my defense you came to seek and save the lost you paid it all upon the cross<br />
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So let your name be lifted<b> higher</b><br />
Be lifted higher be lifted higher<br />
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He captures my heart and lifts my head. He moves me and reminds me. He holds me.<br />
He is holding me, He is washing my eyes, He is stronger.Laura http://www.blogger.com/profile/09704615155406558382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644465.post-45663259616054322362012-05-13T00:02:00.001-04:002012-05-13T09:52:57.734-04:00The love of God which is in Christ Jesus"All that is not the love of God has no meaning for me. I can truthfully say that I have no interest in anything but the love of God which is in Christ Jesus. If God wants it to, my life will be useful through my word and witness. If he wants to, my life will bear fruit through my prayers and sacrifices. But the usefulness of my life is his concern, not mine. It would be indecent of me to worry about that." Dominique Voillaume<br />
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I read these words today in Brennan Manning's book "The signature of Jesus", a fantastic book that I am already to the middle of (and wishing I didn't go so fast so there'd be more to read longer!) since starting it Thursday.<br />
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I read them and so wished those words spoke of my soul, my heart, my love and relationship with Jesus. I read them and thought, this is who I want to be.<br />
I've spent so many years (and especially recently) trying to "figure out what I want to be when I grow up", and today I thought "THIS!" This is not <b>what </b>but <b>who</b> I want to be. What I do is secondary to who I am, and what I want to spend my energy and focus on is <b>being</b>.<br />
I want to live for, from and through the love of God which is in Christ Jesus. I want to not be concerned whether or not my life is "useful", because my life is His, and He will do with it what He will, for His purposes and His glory. <br />
I want to not care about my appearance, my reputation, my accomplishments, and what others think. I want to count it all as white noise.<br />
I want to be single minded, I want to live a simple life. If as quote above, Dominique Voillaume lived a simple life it is because he had only one priority: the love of God which is in Christ Jesus. Everything else pails, everything else fades, everything else is fluff.<br />
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I've spent so much time thinking, worrying, planning and striving focused entirely on myself. And where have I gotten? I am still as lost I have ever been. But one thing continues to grow over the years. My desire to get closer to what Manning calls "the center". My desire to be closer to the simple and powerful truth of Jesus Christ grows as I get older and keeps me awake at night, inconveniences me while I go about my day, interrupts my selfish and idle thoughts. And I thank God for it. I want to live in His interruptions, not in my plans. I want to live in His inconvenient setbacks, not my carefully concocted agenda. I want to live in His uncertainty, because He is <b>all</b> that is certain.<br />
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I haven't been honest. I have been carefully staging and covering and maneuvering so as to appear. Appear smart, deep, well read, sensitive, spiritual, you name it. <i>Appear</i>. I still act, and talk and post so as to appear a certain way. What an incredible waste of time and energy. I am not here to appear. I am here to live by the love of God who is in Christ Jesus. I am here to love and cherish and point to Him. What I want to appear as and <b>be</b> is <b>the love of God</b> .<br />
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I don't know how. But I do trust Him, and it is the desire of my heart. And He says something about that in Psalm 37, doesn't He? <i>Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.</i><br />
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My desire is to delight in Him, kind of a "chicken and egg" situation, wouldn't you say?<br />
It would be just like God to make it this simple: I desire to delight in Him, and He promises to give me the desire of my heart.<i> </i>Laura http://www.blogger.com/profile/09704615155406558382noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644465.post-59244988606833854532012-04-09T11:12:00.002-04:002012-04-10T17:56:53.967-04:00BlissI was having a conversation with a very wise man recently, and yet rather than feeling inspired, I was left confused and annoyed.<br />
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This wise man was perhaps, in his signature style, condensing the truth (as he saw it) about the subject into one or two sentences, which troubled me, since I process everything verbally, and speech (whether written or spoken) is truly where I find my peace as I unravel the knots and work things out.<br />
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The conversation went something like this:<br />
Me: "I don't know what to do, I want to do something, I just don't know what it is"<br />
Paul (yes that's right, he is the wise man I am referring to): "Just do what you love" (notice how many fewer words he uses)<br />
Me: "But I am just not sure what I love! (in a whiny childish tone...endearing, I know)"<br />
Paul: "Just follow your bliss" (ok, this statement was a bit frightening as it sounded more like Oprah than Paul, but I swear that's what he said)<br />
Me:"ugh, you don't get it!" (sounding like an angry and rebellious teenager)<br />
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Of course, if I am referring to Paul as the wise man, it's because I realize, in hindsight and a couple of months later, that I am the one who "gets it" now and who was not getting it before. <br />
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The truth is, his statement troubled me because it was simple. It was an action statement. Unfortunately I am the kind of person who will go about something in circles and never-ending speculation and regurgitation before I will actually DO something, which I am sure, drives Paul crazy, but that's besides the point.<br />
The point is, action is scary to me. Fear. Action implies commitment, desire, movement and consequences. That is scary to me. Talking about doing something, writing about it and considering all the pros and cons, THAT is where my strength lies, right? Or maybe that is where I lose my life. I lose my life while I am considering what to do with it.<br />
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It also troubled me because I truly thought I had lost touch with what I love and would not be able to discover what it is I wanted to spend time exploring and doing. And then what? Scary. There's that fear again.<br />
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And it unsettled me because I thought that "my bliss" would translate to my life's work, my career, the thing I spend the rest of my life dedicating myself to. And sadly, I just did not see anything in my life that could become that, which left me feeling a bit like a loser quite frankly. A scared loser. <br />
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Then I started trying to think of it in different terms, and just truly find something that gave me pleasure, and do that, for a while at least. Even though I was still scared. Even though that wouldn't be enough, even though I still had so much work to do to find what I truly wanted to do (or so I thought).<br />
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I forget exactly how it came to be that I took a step forward, but I did. Amidst the fear and the doubt, I was SICK of myself and all my "researching" and decided to pick something-anything-that I had been considering and, in the wise words of a very rich advertiser, just DO IT.<br />
Then I promptly found some excuses for why it wouldn't work:<br />
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It's too far away<br />
We don't have the money<br />
I don't even know if I will like it<br />
It will probably be a waste of time<br />
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Then the annoyed "I've had it up to my ears with all your wishy-washy pondering" side of me took over and the decision was made. I am going. And that's THAT!(that is a reference to "How the Grinch stole Christmas" in case you missed it).<br />
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The thing I had decided to do (and had been considering more or less for about SIX YEARS) was sign up for a dance class. Modern dance to be exact. Something I have loved since I was a teenager and have missed since I stopped doing it. You would not think it would be this difficult for a person to realize they love and miss something and decide to bring that back into their lives, but what can I say, it's a gift. I am my own worst enemy.<br />
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Much to my own surprise, when the day actually came, I got in my car and drove the whole half hour to the studio (I know, SO far!!!!), I went in and danced.<br />
I danced, boy did I dance. It was like coming back to life. Being in the studio with other dancers,moving and flowing and learning a routine, piecing it together, the rhythm and the sweat, feeling my heartbeat in my throat, and the sore feet.<br />
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The whole experience left me wondering "WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME" I could have been feeling like this for the past six years! But, that is the side of me that likes to beat me up, so I promptly shut her up and continued to bask in the glow of my reclaimed inner dancer.<br />
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I have been dancing for only a month, but I cannot conceive a time when I would choose not to dance. Or when I would again say that a half an hour in the car is too long or too big a sacrifice. Or when I would find there is something I would choose over this for that time.<br />
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For the 90 minutes I am there, something beautiful happens to me, and I would be an absolute fool not to give myself that gift, as often as I can. That is bliss. It's only one little piece of bliss once a week for now, but it is the true definition of bliss. It's not a career, a life's work or anything beyond one dance class. It is the sense of truly belonging in my own body. It is the feeling of closeness to God Himself, to the one He has made me to be,and closest to her full expression. This is bliss, and I am following it, one class at a time, all the way to wherever it takes me. <br />
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I guess the wise man with few words was right. Boy, I hate it when he's right! <br />
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<br />Laura http://www.blogger.com/profile/09704615155406558382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644465.post-15993928684340669392012-04-05T21:10:00.005-04:002012-04-06T10:05:21.746-04:00EnoughSo often my posts begin with a quote from a book....yes, I admit it, reading is my crack, and Lord help me when I find an author I really enjoy..I end up reading all their work in just a few days. I guess I do have an addictive personality after all? I was sure I didn't, but I digress<br /><br />I was reading the book "Lost and Found" by Geneen Roth (whom as you may be guessing is the author du jour for me, or more precisely du week) and she mentions the concept of "enough", which resonated deeply within me, and kind of echoed what I said in my post about contentment.<br /><br />She writes:"Enough isn't an amount; it's a relationship to what you already have"<br /><br />Well, we can probably all agree with that statement pretty readily,I think. And yet, in my own life, though the theory of this concept is something I can completely embrace, in the daily comings and goings, not so much.<br /><br />The fact is that I want more, always<br />I have been living as if there wasn't enough to go around<br />I have been living as if I have to "make up" for who I am by getting "more"<br /><br />If I surround myself with "enough" accoutrement's I can accessorize who I really am (not enough) and hope that everyone will see that what I have clearly demonstrated my worth, and agree with me.<br />From that standpoint, enough is unattainable. Because enough has to make up for my perceived lack, my deficiency, my inadequacy. And since it is <span style="font-style: italic;">my</span> perception, no amount of outward accessories can come close to that which is inside my faulty head.<br />For a long time now I have worked on being as genuine as I can be with everyone around me.<br />I am transparent, honest and open about who I am, my shortcomings, my doubts, my fears. I always thought that meant that I was being "real". But where is the definition of this particular brand of real coming from?<br />As I am finding out, a big part of it is really a poorly constructed persona. Something my head has developed over the years, and not the best reflection of who I actually am. As it turns out, my version of "real" has more to do with the things I believe about myself (for many intricate reasons) than with the actual TRUTH about myself. It's not that I was being disingenuous, I was just being ignorant and stubborn.<br /><br />How many of us live this way,I wonder? What do we really believe about ourselves, deep down? What things about ourselves do we take for granted as being "facts" about us, that could maybe stand a little closer examination?I ask because I think maybe, therein lies part of the reason why enough is just not within reach for so many.<br />For some of us enough is a number, like the one on the scale, or the one in the bank account. They represent security, identity and comfort.<br />For some, enough is a look, an outfit, a pair of shoes. For some is degrees, titles, accomplishments. There is of course nothing inherently wrong with these "things" in and of themselves, the question is: are these things that we believe about who we are? are these the things that propel the search and striving?<br />It's really not about the things themselves, it's about what value are we placing on them, what power do they have over us?<br /><br />For me, the answer to that question was simply: too much.<br /><br />I can slowly see that I <span style="font-style: italic;">subconsciously</span> thought of myself as the child of long ago. Defenseless, unworthy, broken, insecure, inconvenient, and needy. This child needed comfort wherever it could be found. But there was never enough comfort anywhere. Not in a number, an outfit, a place, a home, a person. I looked for comfort and I looked to be MADE worthy by the "enough-ness" around me, not within me. Because I did not believe there was enough, inside.<br /><br />Now, don't get me wrong, on a CONSCIOUS level I knew who GOD Made me and how much He loves me and that I am worthy simply because He made me and loves me.<br />But did this reflect in the way I lived? Did it show in my countenance, my joy, my heart? I was even using THAT as a shield, as an identity. It was not changing my heart, as much as I did try.<br /><br />And what was my relationship with "what I already have"? Well, it was all going into a bottomless pit, so my relationship with what I already had was fraught with frustration and dissatisfaction. Nothing gave me meaning, nothing gave me peace, nothing brought on the fullness I was searching. Nothing was ever enough.<br />And another layer of sadness about this is that it robbed me of the joy of taking in what I did have. Those things that I fought hard for, those blessings God had brought into my life, I didn't even "let myself have them". I didn't truly believe (deep down in my broken subconscious) that I deserved these things, that they would last, that I wouldn't somehow screw them up.<br />Consciously I was grateful, but inside there was no peace.<br /><br />So enough is a relationship. It has to start with the relationship I have with the one God has made perfect through His holiness. She is within, and she is enough.<br />Enough is my relationship with the One who has made me enough.<br />Enough is my relationship with the life He has given me.<br /><br />Enough is not the number on the scale. Not the list of accomplishments. Not the amount of "likes" on my posts ;-) It isn't attainable "out there". It's IN HERE. It's in dismantling the lies I have believed about myself, and in discovering the freedom of the person He has made, not the prison of the person others have broken.<br /><br />Enough is attainable because all I need is a willing heart, open and willing to look in and question things. It is attainable because He promises fullness and joy.<br />I want to spend the rest of my life reminding myself of that and looking for ways to have my "enough" spill over and be poured out for others.<br /><br />I want to practice living what I know is true, and no longer letting my subconscious choices sabotage what I know. He has made me, He knows me, and He leads me inside for peace.<br />That is enough.<br /><br />I want now to be...enough.Laura http://www.blogger.com/profile/09704615155406558382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644465.post-89442906410236745302012-03-09T17:49:00.002-05:002012-03-09T17:58:36.228-05:00Fix youI have shared my love for music before, and here are two song that are really wrecking me as of late...<br /><br />http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EdBym7kv2IM<br /><br />http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pY9b6jgbNyc<br /><br />Lights will guide you home....Laura http://www.blogger.com/profile/09704615155406558382noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644465.post-37732714483882437212012-02-12T21:59:00.002-05:002012-02-12T22:10:24.690-05:00Only children know..."No one is ever satisfied where they are..." 'Only the children know what they are looking for" said the little prince...<br /><br />No one is ever satisfied where they are, the words ring in my ears and I think, no one is ever satisfied because they, or rather we, chase after things. Things to buy, to own, to be, to do. We search outside of ourselves and in the world, for the peace that comes from God, and from within.<br /><br />How does God speak? Quietly and slowly, in the silence. Not in the frantic pace of our ceaseless striving activity, but in our quiet pondering.<br /><br />Only children know. They know because they listen within and only seek the desires of their heart.<br />A child always has time. A child smiles easily. A child laughs heartily.<br />A child prioritizes love, almost always above all else. A child is content in mom's embrace and dad's smile. A child loves purely with very little expectations for anything more than love, care, and security.<br /><br />Simple is better<br />less really IS more<br />An uncluttered mind is focused on what is most important: here, now, love<br /><br />Less striving, pushing, demanding, greed<br />More accepting, giving, releasing, grace<br /><br />A garden, however small, in spring<br />A hug given, every day<br />The truth spoken in love, as often as possible<br /><br />Beauty is simple, unassuming, quiet and powerful, a child can remind us of that, if we let himLaura http://www.blogger.com/profile/09704615155406558382noreply@blogger.com2