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Friday, December 03, 2004

Laura who?

I was wrong about who I am. I thought I was someone else. Or more appropriately, I always tried to be someone else. Not anyone in particular mind you, just...not ME.
Not the ME I knew. I wanted to be...NOT clumsy, NOT flaky, NOT unorganized, NOT naturally chunky, NOT needy, on and on.

Among other things, I was an underachiever. If ever there was someone trying NOT to succeed, that was me, or the ME I thought I was, I should say.
Now....professionals agree that people like me, adult victims of childhood abuse that is, tend to become underachievers. In my case, it had to do with expectations or the lack of. If NOBODY expects anything from me, then nobody can be disappointed.
If my mom expected an A and I got an A-, she'd be disappointed and angry, and she concluded that even though in her estimation I was smart enough, I was "too lazy, didn't care, not disciplined, etc". So I learned that I was smart, but that after a while people in my life would accept that I was going nowhere with it.
I accepted this about myself, and moved on.well...not really moved on.

I constantly seeked the approval of others because I felt so...inferior. I hadn't accomplished any of the things my peers had, at one time it was a job, at another was education, a certain body shape, a certain fitness level, etc.
And so, accepting that I was an underachiever meant, I had to "make up" for it in any other way possible. This meant...turning myself into someone I was NOT.
I was trying so hard to be "socially acceptable" or even praiseworthy that in my efforts... I kept wearing myself down and NEVER truly feeling accepted, or good enough...Even after becoming a Christian, my tendencies stayed and I never truly understood what it was to be LOVED AS YOU ARE. How could I possibly understand that, when WHO I WAS wasn't...ME, but just a result of very hard work of becoming someone else??? How could I REST in knowing that God loved me for me, when I was so busy working hard at AVOIDING ME??

Slowly but surely God has been working out His love in my life, in ways that have shown me that I don't have to believe I am anything LESS than anyone else, and thus, I don't have to work extra hard at "making up" for it. I can "abandon" the parts of me I had adopted in the effort to be someone people would like, or even LOVE. So I am clumsy, it's part of me. It's probably the same part that makes me fun and funny....So I'm NOT organized,it's part of me,and it's probably the same part that allows me to enjoy life even in a messy house. I guess the point is, for people like me, who grew up with ALL the wrong "messages" being given to us, we MUST challenge it all. We must put it under God's light and refuse what is NOT from Him.

I am NOT an underachiever, I will not accept that message. I am NOT worth less if I don't perform to certain standards, I am NOT defined by my accomplishments OR the lack of. I refuse to believe any of those messages, all of which have been the driving forces behind my stubborn journey into acceptance.
May My Father in Heaven be gracious and give me the love and strength to continue to challenge those messages, and continue to hold onto the ME that He has made, the ME He has made in His image, not the ME I had created in the world's image.

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