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He makes me new, He is making me new

Monday, January 16, 2012

Free write...

Stream of consciousness...sometimes for me, is the only way to write, I guess that's what they call free writing

I sit here, I let my thoughts run out of my head and through my fingers to the keys, and I am typing, I guess that means I am writing...but do I really have anything to say?

Maybe that's irrelevant, maybe the exercise of simply sitting here and letting my fingers go and run free, is what gives my soul respite, although it isn't my fingers who need freedom, it is my heart, my soul.

Why do I seek freedom? Is my heart truly imprisoned? Perhaps I have created a prison for myself that I need to break free of. But if I am the jailer, I hold the key, yes? If only it were that easy.

I need Jesus, I need Him to break the chains that enslave me, I need Him to open the doors I have shut and locked for myself.

Am I spending all my time spinning and striving, only to always find myself in the same place? Is it time to finally let go and be still and know that He is God?
I have so little control over most things...isn't it time that I just, let go?
Isn't the truth that we cannot control life? And why would we want to?! it's not as though we know what we're doing!...on most days I don't even know what I want for lunch, let alone know what I want for my life...

I do know I want love, and love can be painful sometimes. Love can be hard work, and it can hurt. And love is sacrifice, and to love is to see someone else first. Maybe that's something I need to focus on, see others first. Stop looking inside so much, and pay attention to the souls around you. Is there redemption in selfless love? No question. No doubt.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Do I know you?

I was thinking about my blog today, and about how, if you are reading it, then..I am talking to you, so then I wondered...are you likely to get what I'm saying? Do you and I have some things in common? For example:

Have you ever found yourself thinking and analyzing so much that you worry about your own sanity?

Have you ever read a book and thought to yourself, "I have to read every other work by this author?"

Have you ever been moved to tears by the pure sound of music, whether pop, classical, jazz?

Have you ever watched the same movie (or read the same book) tens of times and experienced it at a different level each time?

Have you ever felt almost as if you might have a split personality disorder, because in the same day you are capable of reaching the deepest depth of the pit and also the highest peek of joy?

Have you ever thought that you belonged in another time, that you should have been born at a different time in history, or in a different place?

Have you ever seen a character in a movie and thought to yourself, "I could be like that!" except...you're not?

Have you ever felt paralyzed by too many options or choices?

Have you ever had one of those days when you thought "the only way I will get through this day is if I am able to pretend this is someone else's life for a while"?

Have you ever thought that you were meant for something really special, but are quite convinced that you will screw it up?

Are you fascinated by people like Hemingway, George Bernard Shaw, Henry David Thoreau, Thomas Merton?

Did you ever read the book or see the movie "Into the Wild" and were you haunted by it? By how much you identified with the main character?

Do you ever listen to a Jack Johnson song and just dream of leaving everything behind and moving to Hawaii? :-)

These are all things that either have happpened or currently happen to me, and I wonder how many people out there are a little bit like me...strength in numbers, right? Feels good to know that one isn't the only crazy one out there sometimes. But then some other times one would prefer the silly notion that one IS uniquely insane...or maybe that's just me.

I have had times in my life when I have examined how many little pieces of me I have left scattered across the world, and wonder, if I could somehow piece it all back together, what that would feel/look like...Because of how many times I have moved around, I have entire "lives" lived elsewhere, with other people...I have moved on from each life, each time with the sense of loss, along with that sense of adventure and excitement. But after so many years and so many losses, I start feeling as though I need to mourn those lives..and let them go, while somehow maintaining the parts of me that were changed through them, the parts of me that were loved and nurtured, and the parts of me that grew and learned...

If I could I would simultaneously live all of them at once...because they are all part of me, all three countries, all three languages, all three cultures, all those wonderful people who knew me, loved me, helped me to become a more genuine version of me. They liked me in spite of myself, cared for me and genuinely found something of value inside me.

I am pretty sure YOU are one of them, so thank you. And thank you for reading my crazy ramblings. Thank you for liking me, at least a little, for indulging my narcissism, and not judging me for it ;-)

really, thanks!

Sunday, January 08, 2012

A Simple Life

I have been thinking lately about how much I crave a simple life, only to realize, I am not quite sure what that would entail.

I think it means being close to who God has made me to be, focusing on the ones I love, decluttering my mind, my life, and my home of those things that are just not essential. Easier said than done, right?

I feel a little lost but definitely very motivated to figure out what it is that a simple life would entail for me. Micah 6:8 pops into mind: "He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

When I think of what it is that I want my life to be about it always comes back to love, joy, companionship, beauty, simplicity. I think of Jesus, sharing meals with his dear friends, no home, no possessions, no real ties to the material world. And I so wish that could be me. Unencumbered by physical and material desires, free of the want and need to amass things, to create structures we then work to support. But I suppose that's wishing I wasn't human, which sometimes, I do.

I just want life to be SIMPLE. I want LESS. I want just the ESSENTIAL. Life is so short, we really don't have time to be messing around with anything else.

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