Waiting...

Since I am not by any stretch a poet or songwriter, I find it useful sometimes to borrow the words of those who
craft words so wonderfully eloquently I just have to borrow them, because it is as if they are looking in my soul and writing about me.

Such is the case with this Colin Hay song:

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
I'll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down down down, on me

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in
But don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my old footsteps, once again
And you say, just be here now
Forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I’ll keep checking the horizon
And I'll check my machine, there's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, soon
It's just that times are lean

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart, let the light shine in
Don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Looking for gold

A while back I posted about "self made prisons" and the things we tell ourselves out of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of challenges, fear of growing pains...

I have been reading a lot lately, and been doing even more introspecting than I was doing a couple of months ago (I could hardly believe that was possible!) and the theme keeps resounding in my head.

To live authentic lives, to be faithful to whom God has made us to be, to truly look inward to see what is the raw material one has to work with, seems like a no-brainer and the best course of action, but in my experience it is a tall order. Few of us deliberately choose to live lives that betray our innermost desires, few of us choose to live non authentically, yet in my experience so many of us do, for so many reasons.

It really can take many different shapes and it can look different for everyone, but I do sometimes wonder, how many of us are really living genuine, real lives, full of the wonder and passion that God instilled in us?

I asked myself this very question and through much scrutiny found I had constructed a life that looked good on the outside, that conformed to my values, and that seemed to "fit", yet I could not for the life of me figure out why I was feeling so restless and dissatisfied. I felt I "should' feel blessed and happy, I "should" be content, I felt unchristian for feeling dissatisfied instead. I felt ungrateful. So for a while I chose to be grateful and chose to ignore what my feelings were trying to tell me.

At a certain point I could no longer ignore it. So I got over the guilt feelings long enough to truly explore what might be causing my dissatisfaction. And I found all sorts of stuff in there!
God goes with me, I am not judged for feeling this way, in fact I was doing myself a disservice by NOT honoring myself and my feelings and take them as hints and allow myself the journey of self exploration that was required.

And that is what I am in the middle of. I rest on God's promise that He will be there and help me through. I hope for His wisdom and knowledge of me to guide me through the one He has made.
I pray for the strength to take action when necessary, to honor my desires and wishes and dreams. I refuse to live a well constructed life anymore, I choose to live a real life, that reflects who I am, and not who I believe I ought to be. The path is by no means a straight or easy one, but it is worth taking. I will stumble and fall many times, but as one of my new favorite authors (Sam Keen) says"where we stumble and fall, there we find the gold".

I pray for gold, even though it may take a big fall.