Enough

So often my posts begin with a quote from a book....yes, I admit it, reading is my crack, and Lord help me when I find an author I really enjoy..I end up reading all their work in just a few days. I guess I do have an addictive personality after all? I was sure I didn't, but I digress

I was reading the book "Lost and Found" by Geneen Roth (whom as you may be guessing is the author du jour for me, or more precisely du week) and she mentions the concept of "enough", which resonated deeply within me, and kind of echoed what I said in my post about contentment.

She writes:"Enough isn't an amount; it's a relationship to what you already have"

Well, we can probably all agree with that statement pretty readily,I think. And yet, in my own life, though the theory of this concept is something I can completely embrace, in the daily comings and goings, not so much.

The fact is that I want more, always
I have been living as if there wasn't enough to go around
I have been living as if I have to "make up" for who I am by getting "more"

If I surround myself with "enough" accoutrement's I can accessorize who I really am (not enough) and hope that everyone will see that what I have clearly demonstrated my worth, and agree with me.
From that standpoint, enough is unattainable. Because enough has to make up for my perceived lack, my deficiency, my inadequacy. And since it is my perception, no amount of outward accessories can come close to that which is inside my faulty head.
For a long time now I have worked on being as genuine as I can be with everyone around me.
I am transparent, honest and open about who I am, my shortcomings, my doubts, my fears. I always thought that meant that I was being "real". But where is the definition of this particular brand of real coming from?
As I am finding out, a big part of it is really a poorly constructed persona. Something my head has developed over the years, and not the best reflection of who I actually am. As it turns out, my version of "real" has more to do with the things I believe about myself (for many intricate reasons) than with the actual TRUTH about myself. It's not that I was being disingenuous, I was just being ignorant and stubborn.

How many of us live this way,I wonder? What do we really believe about ourselves, deep down? What things about ourselves do we take for granted as being "facts" about us, that could maybe stand a little closer examination?I ask because I think maybe, therein lies part of the reason why enough is just not within reach for so many.
For some of us enough is a number, like the one on the scale, or the one in the bank account. They represent security, identity and comfort.
For some, enough is a look, an outfit, a pair of shoes. For some is degrees, titles, accomplishments. There is of course nothing inherently wrong with these "things" in and of themselves, the question is: are these things that we believe about who we are? are these the things that propel the search and striving?
It's really not about the things themselves, it's about what value are we placing on them, what power do they have over us?

For me, the answer to that question was simply: too much.

I can slowly see that I subconsciously thought of myself as the child of long ago. Defenseless, unworthy, broken, insecure, inconvenient, and needy. This child needed comfort wherever it could be found. But there was never enough comfort anywhere. Not in a number, an outfit, a place, a home, a person. I looked for comfort and I looked to be MADE worthy by the "enough-ness" around me, not within me. Because I did not believe there was enough, inside.

Now, don't get me wrong, on a CONSCIOUS level I knew who GOD Made me and how much He loves me and that I am worthy simply because He made me and loves me.
But did this reflect in the way I lived? Did it show in my countenance, my joy, my heart? I was even using THAT as a shield, as an identity. It was not changing my heart, as much as I did try.

And what was my relationship with "what I already have"? Well, it was all going into a bottomless pit, so my relationship with what I already had was fraught with frustration and dissatisfaction. Nothing gave me meaning, nothing gave me peace, nothing brought on the fullness I was searching. Nothing was ever enough.
And another layer of sadness about this is that it robbed me of the joy of taking in what I did have. Those things that I fought hard for, those blessings God had brought into my life, I didn't even "let myself have them". I didn't truly believe (deep down in my broken subconscious) that I deserved these things, that they would last, that I wouldn't somehow screw them up.
Consciously I was grateful, but inside there was no peace.

So enough is a relationship. It has to start with the relationship I have with the one God has made perfect through His holiness. She is within, and she is enough.
Enough is my relationship with the One who has made me enough.
Enough is my relationship with the life He has given me.

Enough is not the number on the scale. Not the list of accomplishments. Not the amount of "likes" on my posts ;-) It isn't attainable "out there". It's IN HERE. It's in dismantling the lies I have believed about myself, and in discovering the freedom of the person He has made, not the prison of the person others have broken.

Enough is attainable because all I need is a willing heart, open and willing to look in and question things. It is attainable because He promises fullness and joy.
I want to spend the rest of my life reminding myself of that and looking for ways to have my "enough" spill over and be poured out for others.

I want to practice living what I know is true, and no longer letting my subconscious choices sabotage what I know. He has made me, He knows me, and He leads me inside for peace.
That is enough.

I want now to be...enough.