Freedom

I sang songs in the car, my heart deep in worship, delighting in a wonderful morning....And then, suddenly the image that came to mind while I sang was of my heart... The organ itself, wrapped in sin.... Literally engulfed and tied up in an unravel-able web... Knots of selfishness, idolatry, egotistical thoughts and actions, preoccupation with myself, my self esteem, my image, my performance, my satisfaction, on and on...

 It didn't disgust me this time, as it has before-- It saddened me, as I imagine it deeply saddens Jesus.... But the truly beautiful thing I felt was the utter dependence, as I so clearly not only realized but also felt my need for grace.

I Stand broken and sin ridden, TODAY. I don't know why this felt new, but it did.

I'm not confessing some far away sin committed when I was young and stupid... Lesson learned, forgiven, moving on... I am living in the reality that my heart is under siege, taken over, like a neglected garden overgrown with weeds,overtaken by sin, NOW.... Even as I observe that I've been walking with Jesus for so many years, the truth is, sin has been my most consistent companion all along, and Jesus has been patiently waiting, coming in and out as I've allowed Him to...in momentary lapses of clarity and need.

As Brennan Manning says "to be alive is to be broken, and to be broken is to stand in need of grace"

Never have I felt this more clearly than I do now. It's not about a specific action, one large and obvious affront to His perfect grace. It is the daily, ongoing battle that rages on in my heart for my freedom, my very life.

Is it possible that I was dead to this for so long, even while in my mind, knowing the truth? Asleep perhaps? or just blind....That I really thought all this time, that it was possible to love Jesus and live so utterly consumed with myself? "You cannot serve two masters" No, I cannot....So the inescapable conclusion is, I have been serving one. 

One master: Laura. I have been serving at the altar of Laura, worshiping and catering to myself. This is a hard truth to swallow and admit, and yet unless I do, I cannot be free of this utter megalomania. The thought that it really is about me, my life, my needs, my wants, my "happiness". It isn't. IT SO ISN'T. 

If I have life, it is for His glory. If I have any good in me, it is through Him. If I have value, it's because HE loves me. All things are from Him, through Him and for Him. All things. That includes me. Not master Laura, but servant Laura. It's not about my happiness, it is about His glory and the freedom and joy that I can find in Him.

I read a while back about how we say we want to experience God more fully, and yet, we do not dare pray the prayer, because that is a dangerous prayer. It means to be open to being broken. I put the book down that night convinced I wasn't ready to be broken. Too worried about what that would mean for me. I put the book down and thought: "not yet, I'm not ready yet."

Foolishness. As if whatever I am holding onto can come even close to what He has for me!

But He knows better, and so brokenness came, all the same. My heart was already open, though I tried to close it down. My eyes could already see, though I tried to un-see the unsettling truth. There was no going back, and so it washed over me as if all this were new truth, new knowledge, when in reality it is all familiar to my mind, and yet it was a new awakening in my heart, in the midst of the pain. The pain of who I've been, who I am, and how far they are from who I want to be. The pain of the hurt I've caused, the blind selfishness I have inflicted on others, the emptiness of a life lived for self. But most of all the pain of realizing, that while He always holds onto me, I have not been holding on to Him. I have chosen to cling to this world. I have chosen myself over Him, again and again.

Yet the pain is sweet when it comes interlaced with His grace and freedom. When I am ready to see that I have nothing of worth that comes even close to what He has for me, I grow, I cling, I seek desperately, for His life, not mine. His freedom is real, His life is full. And my striving can stop. My desperate need to defend my ego, my worth, my existence, can stop, and I can rest, truly rest in Him.

And I have to cling daily. Because daily my body and heart want to serve the wrong master. I have to cling daily to His grace, or all is lost. Thankfully His grace is infinite and so are His love and His patience. 

What heights of love, what depths of peace

When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand