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Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Growing up

Growing up can do a lot of good things for us, if done right.

I am noticing myself growing up these days. I notice that when I watch a movie for example, I identify more with the middle aged couple who is fighting for their love and life, rather than the cute young couple with their budding romance.
I notice that on the rare occasion that I am browsing for a magazine to bring home, I am more attracted to "More" magazine (geared to women over 50) than 90% of the magazines aimed at my demographic.

I am noticing that I am welcoming a more mature side of me that has been slowly creeping into my life. This side of me is strong, opinionated, but waaaaaaaaaaay more relaxed at the same time. Kind of an interesting paradox. This side of me knows more than it used to, but realizes how little it actually knows.

In these days and months of introspection and self discovery I have come to realize a few very liberating things about myself. I have discovered that it is ok to be different.
I have discovered that I have been judging myself all these years for not performing to the standard that is set for a woman my age, with my faith, with my skills, potential, etc...
I have discovered that God has made me this way and HE DOESN'T CARE about my performance, He cares about my heart. And so, I don't care either.
I am discovering the sweet freedom of my Father's Love based on the sole fact that He made me and knows me and deeply delights in me.
I am discovering to indulge a little in all the little things that interest me, even if it means never specializing in any of them. I am discovering to savor and taste each day's little delights without worrying that they may not "amount" to anything in the end.
I am learning to truly hold on to what I have always known. That in the end, what matters has nothing to do with those things we spend so much of our days consumed by. What really matters are the things we are always too busy to fit into our days.
Allow me to make a sample list of these things that until recently I have been too distracted to truly enjoy:

-a truly rib squeezing hug from my boy
-a sweet kiss from my man
-a "cheshire cat" grin from anyone I love
-a warm and inviting cup of coffee
-my dogs playing with my son (notice I didn't say it the other way around)
-a wonderful chat with a dear friend
-a good HOUR of inspiring and recharging Yoga
-a good and hearty chuckle
-the time to enjoy writing, just because I love to
-the time to enjoy reading, just because I love to
-the quiet and stillness
-the noise and excitement (usually when Lakelan is home)
-a wonderful glass of red wine
-watering my (NOT DEAD) plants

there are many more....I am not saying that I have not enjoyed those things. I am saying I have been so distracted by what has been running in the back of my mind that so much of the enjoyment was being sucked out, unbeknownst to me.
Only now that I am truly present, do I NOTICE the difference. My gosh, I have been sleep walking through life! NOW I am awake, and now I feel those things so much more...
they feel real, they feel like LIFE revealing itself to me.
Some moments even feel, divine, they feel as though God is reaching down into my life to hand me these wonderful little presents.

I re-read some of my own blog entries from 5 or 6 years ago and it seems as though I have been circling this very concept all this time. But it finally feels as though I have reached its core.
Not by anything I have done, but by simply letting go. I have found God's peace in simply abandoning whatever expectations or plans I had for myself. For what makes up a "worthy" life.
A worthy life is lived with love, through and for love. A worthy life is REAL and genuine.
It is all I can claim today. By God's and my standards, it is worthy, and I can keep on just the way I am.
Sweet freedom....thank you Jesus.

2 comments:

tulikarma said...

Hmm...this makes me feel so much better about getting older. You make it sound so graceful and nice. Thank you! :-)
(I'm just fourteen, by the way, so I guess I mustn't be worrying about this. But anyway :) )

Laura said...

14!!! Goodness, no..no reason to worry about such things now...Just live life, love freely, laugh heartily, never be daunted, and always say thank you :-)

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