over and over and over...

Sometimes I wonder...am I really ever learning anything new?

Recently someone suggested that I not only write, but that I might consider actually reading my own words, once in a while.
While it was mostly a tongue in cheek comment, it did cause me to think about this, and I am realizing, maybe I am really just chewing on the same lessons, over and over, year after year. Am I really that hard headed? (please no comments on this particular question, it is rhetorical) ;-)

Is it really taking years, and countless lessons to get me to pay attention and learn the most basic things about myself, and about my relationship with others and God?

I read back and see a theme of self exploration and introspection and yet, I continue to miss the point, or at least, it sure feels that way. I search and search...I ponder, and wonder, I ask, I seek, and yet I am still lost, still aimless, still confused.
If there is something I have always been good at is searching, and asking questions. The answering however, doesn't ever seem to satisfy me. Whatever answers I ever come up with, are only temporary, and whatever "wisdom" I seem to acquire is fleeting and difficult to apply.

Could it be that what I am supposed to learn really does take all this time? Could it be that what God is showing me is something I am not ready to see just yet? Will I subject myself to many more unnecessary trials before it finally sinks in and real change can begin?

I know God can use ANYTHING in my life to show me His truth, but I worry that I may be so blind, deaf and hard-headed that I may miss it, and continue in the desert when He is calling me out to the Promise Land.

I guess all I can do for now is keep my eyes, ears and heart open and hope that my own fleshly, self indulging and myopic view won't obscure and eclipse my own growth. I really would love to not continue learning the same lesson over and over, 'cause after a while... it gets boring, you know?