Waiting

Pursuing God is confusing....perplexing, and sometimes frustrating
But I figured something out this week,while reading "The Healing Path" by Dr. Allender. I have read and heard the metaphor of the "desert" many times as a means to express the dry and lonely place where we sometimes find ourselves on our Spiritual journey. But this time, it truly echoed in my heart like never before.

One particular thought  really struck a chord and moved me deeply. I hadn't considered some of the implications of the nature of this desert place,and how it affects our hearts. It caused me to see Him differently, to see the process differently.
"To walk the healing path, we must wrestle with our refusal to keep traveling between desire and satisfaction, where God neither answers our prayer for healing nor clearly illumines a path away from fear. God lets us wait, not to punish us, not because he has forgotten us, because our waiting is the crucible he uses to purify our hope for him."

This paragraph brought a new epiphany for me.
There is space between desire and satisfaction. It is uncomfortable space, I'll give you that, but never before now did I think of this space as fertile ground. I always thought the desert was where I suffered in silence, gritted my teeth and waited until he delivered relief.
But I see it differently now. He brings me out into the desert, but not to grit my teeth. He wants me open enough to want, to desire, in order that I may come after Him, but He doesn't move in immediately to meet me and my need...He lets me linger in this space. It's not barren and dry, but it's not yet luscious either.
It seems kind of mean, doesn't it? Almost cruel even... this in-between, this limbo.

But it's not, it's beautiful. He knows my heart better than I do, and knows just the right time to come for me. He leads me into the uncomfortable place, slowly and helps me loosen my grip on my self sufficient ways. He leads me to a place where as I let go, I see my need, want and desire.He waits long enough for me to stop looking in the world. He waits long enough for me to stop actively trying to get for myself what He isn't giving me yet. He draws me out as I slowly release.
Then once He has my attention, He waits some more.

That is where I am today. I recognize my need. My deep desire for the abundant life He has promised me. I desire love, passion, pursuit. I desire to be known and cherished and romanced. I desire wild adventure.
I have looked elsewhere for all of this. I have sought to secure all these things for myself  (albeit sometimes, or most of the time,subconsciously) through manipulation,by using others, by victimizing myself, by giving myself away. By betraying my own integrity in order that I may experience a cheap imitation of what my heart is made for. When I have done that, I have gotten farther and farther away from my heart's true desire. From what God intends for me, from what I was created to be and to have.

That's when the anger has set it. I have protested. I have shaken my fists in the air and demanded an explanation, demanded deliverance, and satisfaction, allowing that anger to fester in my heart and make me unpleasant, whiny, entitled. When I get to this place I have a choice. My anger and disappointment can lead me to shutting down, and giving up. It can lead me away from His path and His peace. That has been a temptation, I will admit, but I don't do well in that barren and hopeless place. I usually resolve to do better. I resolve to seek Him and try again, but what I am seeing now is that in actuality what I have done is resolved to "fix" things and work harder at taking care of myself. While keeping Him somewhat close, just in case I need Him. But I am realizing this. I don't get to have both my ways and His ways. So while I keep Him on "stand-by" I am in fact choosing to comfort myself, rather than letting Him come for me.
This time I am choosing to be uncomfortable. I am choosing the space between desire and satisfaction.I am choosing not to resolve, but to let go.

It's an interesting and confusing dance. By allowing my heart to still desire and want but not taking any action to satisfy them, I allow hurt and fear to come into my life. But in this pain I wait for Him. At times I have thought that if I am willing to bring the desire and pain to Him, He will come meet me and satisfy me with His love and His goodness. After all, that is why He brings me to this dry land, isn't it? To fill me with Himself.

But He doesn't come right away. Maybe it's because first my heart has to be ready for Him. Ready to give up my self sufficiency, and my manipulative ways of insisting on living in the illusion that I am the architect of my own joy and peace.
So in the past when He didn't come to my rescue at once, I have taken this as a sign that I once again needed to "take charge". Sure, God will rescue me, satisfy me and fill me, but for now I need to make things happen. For now, I am on my own, while I wait. I'd better get busy while I wait.
God knows how many opportunities I have squandered for true communion with the source of all comfort while I was busy fending for myself!

I am seeing things differently right now. When I wait, I get to make room for Him. I make room, not make things happen. I let Him come, not take over.
In this space there is room for my heart to experience the Peace that comes from Faith. That which the heart believes, though the eyes cannot see. While I wait I don't get to manipulate, dictate, orchestrate or any other -ate. That's what waiting is! That is what faith is.To wait is to delay action. That in and of itself is like a foreign language to me.
No action? No comprendo!
But it is necessary. No action, no movement, unless He directs. No plan on how I will rescue myself from my loneliness, my unfulfilled longings, and the deep sadness that accompanies them. No band aid, no anesthesia, no distraction.

It is necessary to truly be still and not succumb to the temptation to take over. It is necessary to not expect Him to come to me at my will and on my terms and my timing.
It is necessary to let go of my illusions. It is necessary to face my fears, my what ifs. What if I let go and everything gets worse? What if my desires crush me? There are no guarantees and no definite answers, just that He is.

The only guarantee I have is Jeremiah 29:12-13 "Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

I think I have glossed over that part before. "with all your heart". To seek Him with all my heart means I have given up my ways first. It means I have laid down my weapon, my resources, and my plans. It means I have abandoned my strategy to secure my own happiness. It means I am accepting my utter dependency and am willing to follow Him into the desert where He calls me, and there, wait for Him and Him alone, without a back-up plan. For as long as I need to. 
That promise is true. And if that promise is true, then my end of the deal is to give all my heart.
To do that I must continue to practice snatching my heart back from the jaws of the illusory promise of self satisfaction. And hand the beat up, shredded, pitiful thing back over to Him. Again and again.

I won't lie, I find it lonely and somewhat bewildering. Unsettling and uncertain. Patience in waiting is not my strongest virtue.
But the beauty of it all is, I also find it deeply healing. He pursues me. He calls me out, and He promises to come. In the waiting, while I hurt and long for relief, there is a heart that is free of illusion and self deceit. 
In the waiting there is hope and anticipation of His coming. 
And once He comes, I know that the exhausting fight and the lonely desert will have been well worth it.