Ego

I read...I'm a reader and love to read...ok, that's redundant..point is, I have been reading a few different books all having to do with walking with God, following Jesus, doing the christian life...

One thing that keeps sticking in my mind as I read so many of these books is how tightly we seem to cling to our ego. Maybe I shouldn't speak for everyone, but I do get the feeling that we all seem to waste entirely too much time doing image control, ego improvement, and the like.

I am deeply convicted of this myself, which is why I write about it here, I am someone very vulnerable to wanting to produce and maintain a certain image to the world. But I get tired of it...So much of the time I would rather just NOT care, I would love to see what would happen if WE ALL agreed that all this "selling" ourselves to others is just silly, that we can really believe the trite idea that just being real, is truly enough.

I know it's how Jesus lived. And if He did...wouldn't it be a good idea for me to as well?
well, sure, in theory, but then there's this thing called BEING HUMAN...ugh!
Still, I strive to be less human in that way...I long to be carefree and allow others to like me or not, love me or not, based on who I truly am, and not the person I "put together" for display.

Not easy...not always natural, but still worth the effort, I think...

Unfortunately so many of us have repeatedly received the message that just US isn't quite...right; or quite, pretty enough, or not as smart as others, not as accomplished, not as giving, not as humble, you name it...and even more unfortunately, we have believed it.
Believed the lie, believed that we are less than we should be. Which is so very silly, cause, you see...He formed us in the womb, to be who we are, and He carries us in His hands....

So we go about working hard at "improving" ourselves, so we can SHOW a "better" self to the world. More often than not that work is a waste of time, mostly because, we were JUST fine to begin with, and sometimes because we're using our time doing ego improvements when we could be using our time loving others, thinking of others, and LESS time looking in and evaluating and striving...

Not sure there is any big revelation here, it's a tale as old as time, we ALL do it, some more some less, I guess lately it's been on my mind more, and I so badly want to be like Jesus and say... I DON'T CARE, I DON'T play that GAME, I just want to be me!
Maybe as I get older He will work on me to get me there..to enjoy that freedom....it sure must be nice...right?

another year...and, no change!

I have been gone...yet again, for a year! I think it's interesting and funny how that keeps happening

I got the bug to start writing again after watching the movie Julie & Julia, which if you haven't seen,I recommend.

The movie made me think, although I already was in a reflective state of mind, about my life and what it is that makes me the way I am.
I seem to have this idea, that I am somehow unfinished. That there is a great passion, or vocation that seems to somehow escape me, year after year. That there is something I should be studying, investing in, committing to, starting out, but I just can't seem to put my finger on WHAT it is.
Pray as I might, I can't reach a conclusion about what it is that I COULD do, with myself, I read book, and nothing, I research careers, and nothing, I think about the things I like to do and am good at, nothing....And then as I reflected, I decided to go to my blog and check out what I had last written about, HA! it is titled "who I am"
If you follow my blog, I'm sorry about being gone for a year, and coming back with..the SAME existential crisis over and over! :-P

Yes, I am a wife and mother and quite happy to be, and blessed to be able to spend as much time with my family as I can, but I am also a very social person, and thrive in social situations, so I keep thinking there ought to be something out there I could do, should do, that would enrich my life, life of others that I connect with, and make my world more interesting, more diverse, more connected.

Moving to Florida (oh yeah that's right, we moved!) has propelled me into thinking about this even more because we are starting over in so many other ways, it seems like a natural time to be thinking about this...yet again.

So...comments and opinions are welcome, as is constructive criticism :-) Heck, if anyone out there is STILL actually reading after a year, I'm just glad about that!

I hope to write again soon about....something else

who I am

Lately it seems I've been wrestling more than usual with ideas about..who I am, in life, as a woman, as a person, in God's eyes...I've been reading books, praying, thinking...

I seem to go back and forth a lot, between the place where I am secure in who I am in God, as his daughter, as his child, and the place where I am plagued by my inadequacies, my weaknesses, where I am desperate to feel important, to have people like me and respect me and think certain things about me.

I know the truth. The truth is that who I am in God is enough. What HE THINKS of me is more than enough. WHO He made me to be is enough. His love for me is enough.
That truth helps me get a grip when my crippling insecurities have me spinning out of control. HOWEVER....

I am human...one of my weaknesses is precisely the fact that I focus on my weaknesses...and it seems I find ways to give myself a ZERO in almost every single worldly grading system given the right time and circumstances...I don't look right, I don't speak the right words, think the right thoughts, have the right experience...the list goes on and on...

What's interesting is that, for the most part, the thing that triggers these feelings of self doubt is other people. If all I ever cared about what was what God thinks of me, wants from me, asks of me, I have a feeling my insecure days would be fewer..and not as devastating. But I look around, I compare, I seek approval from the world, the flesh, other fallen ones who have the same weaknesses I have because, well, they are also human, imagine that.

Seems to me, if we all accept the fact that we are human, that we are broken, but that we have a Father who created us, loves us and has saved us...we could all focus on loving each other and giving Him our best. I of course only have control over what I can and will do, and with His help I pray...it will be the latter. To love Him and to seek to please Him,even in my humanness, and to accept, FREELY His unending, unconditional love for me.

I don't have a reason to believe that my tendency to find fault within myself will just go away magically, but for now, as I grow and still wrestle and struggle, I will HOLD tightly onto what I know is TRUTH(as taken from a Chris Tomlin song):

"You see the depths of my heart and you love me the same, you are amazing God"

He knows ALL the parts of me, even the ones that no other human knows, and loves me MORE than any human ever could...paradoxical, isn't it?
Paradoxical and magnificent.

Searching for God knows what

That is the title of one of the books I've been reading and throughly enjoying lately...This one is by Donald Miller, the author of "Blue Like Jazz", which was also one of my favorite books.
As I read the other day this one passage really struck a chord within me and so I decided to share it with anyone who might be interested. Here goes:

"...what we really need is God.What we really need is somebody who loves us so much we don't worry about death, about our hair thinning, about other drivers pulling in front of us on the road, about whether people are poor or rich,good-looking or ugly,about whether or we feel lonely, or about whether or not we are wearing clothes. We need this;we need this so we can love other people purely and not for selfish gain, we need this so we can see everybody as equals, we need this so our relationships can be sincere, we need this so we can stop kicking ourselves around, we need this so we can lose all self-awareness, and find ourselves for the first time, not by realizing some dream, but by being told who we are by the only Being who has the authority to know, by that I mean the Creator."

I think that pretty much sums up the human plight...to KNOW we are loved, and to know who we are, because He who made us tells us..to know love like we cannot know on earth, and to live and walk in it...and to spread it to those who cross our paths...

Belong, part II

It amazes me that the months go by, the seasons change, and yet, here I am, posting about, essentially, the same thing I posted about months ago, in August.

Belonging, it seems is something I struggle with. The concept of feeling at ease and complete where I am, who I am with and what I do.
One thing that is becoming more and more clear is how strongly I feel about belonging with my family: my sweet husband and adorable son, and if only temporarily, my kind hearted step-daughter. That is not something I take for granted. The home and life we have created is what brings me the most joy and warmth, and it is what brings meaning and flavor to my life. If life were to never change, I am fully conscious that I have what most people dream of having, struggle to have,and grieve losing. Strong,lasting love, a place to call home, the warmth of those you dedicate your life to, the comfort of someone who knows you, perhaps better than you know yourself.

Having said all that, being the kind of person that I am, I can't escape the feeling of loneliness..the feeling of not quite being in the place where I "fit"...where I make sense. I feel as though I am wired to be a different kind of person than those around me, with different thoughts, desires, priorities...but then again,maybe it's all in my head. I dream of living a life filled with people, sharing life, filled with joy and laughter and shared grief, filled with those around me caring for me,loving me, and I them...but it does not seem to be the way it goes here, where I am today, it seems, life is more of an individual endeavor here, where i find myself, wondering, if there is something not quite right with me, that makes me need others more than I should...
I guess for now it is good enough to know I am blessed and have more than I would have ever dreamed. It is enough to take in what God has given me, and heed his direction.

Belong

I logged on today to post and realized, today is August 27th 2008...last time I posted anything was August 27 2007...yikes!

Well...a few updates are required...the "new addition" didn't work out, she chewed everything, dug holes in the backyard and had too many accidents, so we found her a new home :-). We're back to our smaller family, except now, Jessica has joined us! So we are minus one dog, plus one teenager :-)

The last year has been full of...life....life happening, with all that entails, good, bad, great.... we had one trip to Argentina in Jan/Feb and then I just recently went again alone (GASP!) for about 10 days...and as it happens almost every time after I go, I have been in a melancholic, reflective, introspective mood ever since coming back 2 days ago...trying to decipher why I always feel this way whenever I return, a bit sad, somewhat lonely, and just like something's missing...perhaps it's just what one feels when there really isn't any one place where one belongs...no one place that is home, no one place that contains everything dear and sweet to one's heart.

And it reminds me of Chris Rice's song "Belong".... whose message is basically... Father has prepared a place for you, Jesus leads you there, to the place where you belong...so I'm trying to let that truth sink in...I belong with my Father, I belong no matter where I may live on his earth...

My baby and I

Shameless Plug

For those of you following my husband's "blog book", you'll be glad to know that he finally posted a new chapter.
Hey, the man is meticulous! It took him a year to post this latest one, but hopefully the next one won't take as long!

So, go check it out, and see what you think :-)

I run, therefore I am...skinnier?

Many of you know I run. I consider myself a runner even though I still struggle to get up to my goal of logging 20 weekly miles, and even though to the naked eye my "running" looks more like jogging or bounce-walking.

I consider myself a runner mostly because I am dedicated. I started running back in 2002 and have been since with a few breaks in between, some due to injury some due to laziness and some due to pregnancy, fatness and overall out-of-shape-ness.
But I'm at it again, this time since April and it always surprises me how much I like it. It does so much for my self-esteem, for that closet athlete in me who loves the feeling of pushing my body to do things I could swear it could not do.

But beyond that, I just love getting out there. And I like the paradoxical feeling that is how something so simple can be so hard. HOw much it can hurt. Oh but it hurts so goooooood!

So I run, and I will probably continue to do so for the rest of my life, or at least as long as my body allows me to do so.
I ran 5 miles this morning with some friends and that just made my day much better than it would hvae otherwise been.
I run, therefore, I'm a runner. Or actually, I love to run, therefore I'm a runner.

Renzo Bertacchini

Renzo Bertacchini was 91. He passed away last week, alone, in an ICU bed. He was my grandpa. Mi abuelo. Il mio nonno.

I got the news from my sister, poor thing, she didn't know how to tell me, so she wrote me an email because she couldn't call me and say it out loud without sobbing. He was old and ill, so we knew his time was near, and yet the reality of the goodbye hit us hard all the same. We will miss him, with his heavy italian accent, his dry sense of humor, his cheek "pinches". I will miss him.

He made the BEST toasted bread slices (I know, it sounds weird, but in Argentina we don't actually use electric toasters, you have use SKILL!!!) for us when we were kids for our afternoon snack (la merienda, which is an official meal in Argentina).
He walked us to school and picked us up, he loved us in the only way he knew how, with his actions. Sometimes with his super tight hugs. For me the hardest thing has been not being able to be there to see him one last time, to hold his hand, so give him a kiss. To hold my brother and sister as they said goodbye. I was here, not there, and for that I will always be a little sad.

Chau nono. Nos vemos,un beso grande!
Tu nieta, la gordita, la Maria!

Little Children

"Whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me" said Jesus in Matthew 18:2, and I don't know why but that verse has stuck with me since first I read it.

I have always liked children, and most of the time they seem to like me. And when they like me, it warms my heart! When they smile and greet me, when they hug and kiss me, when they want to hang out with me, it's all a great gift to me.

I'll be honest, sometimes I'm not in the mood...sometimes I'm glad I only have ONE and want to keep my house as relatively quiet and simple as it can be with just the ONE kid. But sometimes I really just enjoy being with children. Today was such a time.
I went to visit my friends the Campbell's and as I came out of my car with Lakelan I heard some noise and looked up, only to see Ian, Alex and Kirstie at the door, yelling "they're here, they're here" in excitement and with big smiles on their faces.
HOW ADORABLE IS THAT?!! They were so excited that aunt Laura was coming to visit. Now THAT warms my heart. THAT puts a smile on my face. THAT is what Jesus was talking about, except, THEY were welcoming ME!!! They sure know how to make you feel special!

We spent time together, I sorted shapes with Kirstie (she guessed my favorite color!!!), made silly jokes to crack Ian up (how cool is it to make a child laugh??!!) watched Alex type to his dad(who was upstairs in his office when I arrived) "aunt Laura is here" and watched Julia eat with a fork (SHE's ADVANCED!!) and had MY little one playing with all the new toys(ones he's never seen before). It was fun. It was great. I thank God for our friends Greg and Jen Campbell, their hearts, their generosity of spirit, and their four adorable children, who for some reason, get excited when aunt Laura visits. :-)

Paul Robert

As most or all of you know, my husband is Paul Robert Jones. It may look weird for me to introduce him that way, full name and all, but the reason I'm doing that is because he was named after someone, someone quite special. His name was Paul Robert Parsons, and he was my husband's grandfather.

Paul Robert Parsons was better known as Bob, and he was a warm, loving, dedicated father, grandfather and all around family man. I had the honor and pleasure to meet him soon after Paul and I were married back in '99 and I was almost overwhelmed by his instant acceptance of me into his family, and his warm and kind demeanor. He always seemed to have a smile on his face.
He was a man a man of his word who knew what was right and never hesitated to do it, even when it included taking in his daughter and grandson when her husband left. He took the father role in Paul's life for the first couple of years until she remarried. And he remained in Paul's eyes and heart the only true father he'd ever had.

Bob died this past weekend of complications from a long battle with enfezema, and his namesake, his grandson, was there to hold his hand and pray for him as he did. What an honor that was for him, to gently hold and love him as he left this world. Although it was difficult and painful to watch his grandpa go, we were glad we made the trip to Cincinnati (where he lived) to see him one last time. We were glad to remember him with family and friends, and be there to honor his life.

The one thing that kept coming to me was the thought of legacy. The kind of legacy we leave behind when we go is more important than perhaps we realize. This was a man everyone loved, everyone loved to be around, that everyone felt comfortable around. This was a man who could be trusted, and a man who knew how to give of himself to others.
Already I can see where Paul gets his sense of responsibility and dependability. His respect towards others, and perhaps most notably, his love of music, for Bob was a phenomenal piano player who filled the home with melody and joy as he played daily for anyone who would want to listen, which was everyone, and who'd want to sing along.

My last thought is this and it goes to you Bob. I hope I leave a similar legacy when I go. One of love, warmth, trustworthiness, and dependability. I hope my child(ren) and his (or theirs whatever the case may be) children will remember me with the same warmth and affection that yours have for you. You inspired me, as you have many others, to be a better person.



Paul, Grandpa, Me, and Uncle Otto in 1999

A little something about my boy

Some of you out there know Lakelan, my 13 month old quite well, and some of you not so much, so I thought I would share some cool little facts about him. Now, as a mom I find these really cute and interesting so bear with me if you don't ;-)


-he uses the word "cookie" for lots of things including cookies, crackers, triscuits, animal crackers,cheerios and cheez-its
-his favorite book is "Pile of Puppies" the only book of his that has no words (except for each number that is written out)
-he loves to give kisses :-)
-he loves to ride Tutuca as a horse
-he loves to play "on" the dishwasher door when it's open
-he does NOT like the sound of my mixer (makes it hard to make bread)
-he loves the vacuum (the sound, the light, the actual movement of it)
-he really likes to feed Tutuca his food
-he has a strong passion for Tutuca's water bowl (no matter how much we scold him to him it's still worth a shot getting into)
-he absolutely LOOOOOVES his bath :-) and loves splashing so much, mama gets a shower too

oh and something about mom and dad....we're disgustingly in love with him :-)

Our Little Thanksgiving Bird

'Tis was thanksgiving morning and all was quite around the Jones home. Mama was feeding baby some breakfast and the dog was lazily laying in her bed, snoring. When suddenly, mama heard some strange noises coming from the woodburning stove pipe and the dog's ears perked up.

It sounded like little feet kicking or little paws scratching. Puzzled, mama thought "perhaps it's just something stuck there" and continued on with the breakfast feeding. But the noise continued, on and off, until she thought, perhaps this was a small animal, and it had to be rescued out of the pipe.

When papa came downstairs for breakfast she mentioned this to him, and he kind of shrugged it off "there is no way a bird could fit through that small opening in the chimney" but decided to open the flue just to make sure there was nothing in there.
He slowly turned the handle and sure enough, "swoosh" a little something fell right into the ashes. A small and frightened blackbird sat there as he looked into their puzzled eyes. Papa was incredulous as mama said "I thought it was a bird! Look at the poor little thing!"

It was not clear what the best way to proceed was, as they feared that upon opening the door to the stove the little one would just fly out into the house desperately seeking a way out. And that's exactly what happened, until the front door was opened and the little blackbird found his way out to freedom, on that sunny thanksgiving morning.

The greatest loss

Yesterday I was reading my friend Greg's blog (www.gregshead.net) about how his baby girl loves being noticed, and the perhaps innate need we humans have to be paid attention to by others. I commented that I certainly could relate, to having the need to be noticed, listened to, in general, to be loved, and I certainly agreed that children, even as babies, revel in being noticed by others.

Then today I was watching TV, again the show where the main character, a grown woman with her own child, lives in her mother's house after her divorce. As I said in my previous post "My Mom" many of the most entertaining and moving scenes happen when the mother and daughter are together. Today's episode was no different. The mother was talking about the children she gets to see in her profession, abused, battered, emotionally wounded, and as she remembers the "crazy" things she used to do for her daughter when she was growing up, she realizes, these abused children don't have that. They don't have someone to do crazy things for them, out of love for them, she sums it up like this:

"Perhaps their greatest loss is not having someone who will abandon common sense and dignity on their behalf."

I think that is so true! Children need to be noticed, certainly. They also need someone whose love is so overwhelming they will sometimes temporarily abandon common sense and dignity on their behalf. Perhaps when society labels them "weird" for being home schooled, or when their faith clashes with the culture we live in, or when the child for some reason is just "different". They need someone who won't mind being thought a fool to stand up for them, to be strong for them, to abandon "common sense and dignity" if only temporarily.

I didn't have that. My parents were definitely willing to abandon common sense and dignity, not on my behalf, but rather on their own behalf, no matter what that meant for us, their children. HOW VERY SAD.
Yet today I have a Father who notices me, and who went to crazy lengths to stand up for me, so I want to live in that overwhelming love. And I want my son to have someone who will teach him about that love, and put aside their own gain and reputation for his sake.
Out of pure love for him.
And I want that someone to be me.

My little gift from God--part II

Not too long ago I wrote a post about my bundle of joy TO my bundle of joy, to document the feelings and thoughts I have as we go about our days together, and I just think it is something I will continue to do probably for a long time.

See, the thing is, as any mother out there can probably attest to, we learn so much everyday from our little ones.

I have learned how much MORE patient I can be (at least more than I used to be :-)) I have learned how much love my heart can feel without exploding, I have learned how grateful I can be even when everything else around me seems to be falling apart, because I am looking at this awesome gift God has given to me in my son.

Even as God stretches me and teaches me through the challenging times we have, he also stretches my heart to its fullest capacity, when He shows me just how blessed I am to have this amazing little boy in my life, to teach and to learn from, to love and to be loved by, to laugh with, to kiss, to hold, to comfort.

It is no secret that motherhood and parenting can be difficult, challenging and downright maddening, but I just want to spend as much time as possible thinking about and dwelling on how rewarding, heart-filling and life-giving it can be.

I just hope I can think about this tonight as I drag my tired self into my baby's room and as I comfort him and help him back to sleep. :-)

My God

I like to have music on whenever I drive anywhere, and Lakelan must have inherited it from me because he is usually very happy in the car, as long as there is music playing. :-)

Lately I have been listening to my Matthew Ward cd's and one of my favorite songs from his albums is called "I will worship you".
I love it because it is a series of attributes about God, and it is sung so honestly, so passionately, that as simple as the words are, they express a direct declaration of the greatness of the God I worship and the love I feel for him.

I love singing along to this song because I can't help but feel this immense closeness to my God and Father, and it just seems to put everything in perspective. If I most need grace at that moment, "My God is mercy" if I have huge problems that I have no solutions for "My God is power", if I need direction in my life, "My God is wisdom".

And the one that has the most impact to me is "His name is LOVE...His heart is tender". He loves me and he has a tender heart towards me. That just puts a smile on my face and warms my heart.

Thank you Father, for your unfailing love toward me.

Lakelan's slideshow-Fotos de Lakelan

A good friend of mine,Greg :-) has graciously offered to use his web designer privileges to host a couple of short slideshows of Lakelan for all our family and friends that are far away, so...here it is!!!!
All you have to do is click on the link below and it will take you to the "movie" :-) Enjoy!

For those of you without Quicktime, here's a link to download :-) http://www.apple.com/quicktime/download/

Para mis familiares y amigos de habla hispana, aca va: un amigo mio me ofrecio poner un par de pequenas peliculitas de Lakelan (con musica y todo!! que nivel che!) en su pagina de internet, asi las pueden ver.
Para los que no tienen el programa Quicktime, pueden bajarlo de internet en http://www.apple.com/quicktime/download/
Espero que les guste!



Lakelan's Slideshow (1-Minute Version)

See the FULL-LENGTH Lakelan Slideshow!

Some fun with the girls :-)

Last night Jessica, Kelly and I had some phone with Photo Booth.
Check us out!

Pictures