Monday, August 21, 2006
Saturday, August 05, 2006
My Mom
Recently I was watching re-runs of an old TV show where the main character, a grown woman with her own child, lives in her mother's house after her divorce. Many of the most entertaining and moving scenes happen when the mother and daughter are together. I watch this grown woman, a mother herself, engage in this life enriching relationship with her mother, who is loving, wise if a bit stubborn and bossy, and something is stirred inside me. I miss my mom.
There are probably MANY adults out there who live far away from their mothers who feel this way, but I'm different. You see, I miss the mom I never had. As I have mentioned in earlier posts, my parents were not the way God intended parents to be. There was abuse, there was lack limits, lack of love, true, sacrificial love, the kind a parent is SUPPOSED to have for their children. Not the self-seeking love based on the parents' own needs and insecurities.
My mother grew up in some ways abused as well, and it is my opinion that her emotional growth was stunted at an early age, and that is probably why when she married and had her own children, she wasn't quite able to really LOVE someone, unless that someone in some way performed a specific role in her life, be it make her feel important, or capable, or cared for, etc.
Most her relationships were based on what SHE needed, and her relationship with her children was no different.
I remember that as young children, my siblings and I had a nanny and didn't see my mother much, and then later in life when she was not working ad much she was around, but not really available. The TV was her vest friend, and we mattered only to the extent that we were not distracting her, annoying her, or not doing as well in school as she thought we ought to. (One of the phrases that sticks out in my mind was "You got an A minus? Why not an A?" it seemed I could never do well enough).
I remember days when she would be home when she was supposed to be working, and my first feeling was on of joy. I wanted her around, I wanted to be with her, and yet, the reality of being with her never failed to disappoint me. Each time I would hope and dream of the time we would spend together and invariably the TV would trump me, she'd find something to pick on me about, she'd find a flaw, and ruin my every wish of having a mom who just loved me.
I remember craving her touch. She would sometimes, although rarely, stroke my hair, in the loving, gentle way a mother does, and for those moments her neglect, rudeness, lack of care for me would disappear and I wanted nothing more than for her to stroke my hair until I fell asleep and dreamed of a place where she was always there for me, loving me, caring about me, wanting to talk to me, and do life with me. I miss her. But I have always missed her. She has never been the mom I needed. She failed to protect me and my siblings, she was too busy thinking about herself and her needs. She failed to love me, she failed to be there when I needed her. So I miss her still, and suspect I always will.
And now, I am a mom, and I can think of nothing I'd rather do than to love on my baby boy, hold him, kiss him, stroke his hair. Let him know that no matter what I will be there for him. I will want to do life with him, I will protect him, and although I am human and will fail and one day die, I will point him to the Father who will never fail him, never die and always be there.
There are probably MANY adults out there who live far away from their mothers who feel this way, but I'm different. You see, I miss the mom I never had. As I have mentioned in earlier posts, my parents were not the way God intended parents to be. There was abuse, there was lack limits, lack of love, true, sacrificial love, the kind a parent is SUPPOSED to have for their children. Not the self-seeking love based on the parents' own needs and insecurities.
My mother grew up in some ways abused as well, and it is my opinion that her emotional growth was stunted at an early age, and that is probably why when she married and had her own children, she wasn't quite able to really LOVE someone, unless that someone in some way performed a specific role in her life, be it make her feel important, or capable, or cared for, etc.
Most her relationships were based on what SHE needed, and her relationship with her children was no different.
I remember that as young children, my siblings and I had a nanny and didn't see my mother much, and then later in life when she was not working ad much she was around, but not really available. The TV was her vest friend, and we mattered only to the extent that we were not distracting her, annoying her, or not doing as well in school as she thought we ought to. (One of the phrases that sticks out in my mind was "You got an A minus? Why not an A?" it seemed I could never do well enough).
I remember days when she would be home when she was supposed to be working, and my first feeling was on of joy. I wanted her around, I wanted to be with her, and yet, the reality of being with her never failed to disappoint me. Each time I would hope and dream of the time we would spend together and invariably the TV would trump me, she'd find something to pick on me about, she'd find a flaw, and ruin my every wish of having a mom who just loved me.
I remember craving her touch. She would sometimes, although rarely, stroke my hair, in the loving, gentle way a mother does, and for those moments her neglect, rudeness, lack of care for me would disappear and I wanted nothing more than for her to stroke my hair until I fell asleep and dreamed of a place where she was always there for me, loving me, caring about me, wanting to talk to me, and do life with me. I miss her. But I have always missed her. She has never been the mom I needed. She failed to protect me and my siblings, she was too busy thinking about herself and her needs. She failed to love me, she failed to be there when I needed her. So I miss her still, and suspect I always will.
And now, I am a mom, and I can think of nothing I'd rather do than to love on my baby boy, hold him, kiss him, stroke his hair. Let him know that no matter what I will be there for him. I will want to do life with him, I will protect him, and although I am human and will fail and one day die, I will point him to the Father who will never fail him, never die and always be there.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
My little gift from God
I decided I really want to document as much as possible the little things that take my breath away as I do life at home with my precious baby, Lakelan.
I won't be able to write down everything, but I do want to record a few things now while they are fresh in my mind, so that one day he and I and dad can look at it and reminisce about these amazing times, when he was just a little baby :-).
And some of those things, I would like to share with the blogging community, so here goes (these are directed AT Lakelan):
_ You are such a character! you are very goofy and make me laugh on a daily basis. Your funny grunt is definitely your trademark!
- I love how you make your desires known. There is very little to figure out, once you want something, you do your very best to communicate that to us, an although it can sometimes be frustrating, I love to see your personality and determination!
-I love how you play with me :-) you pull my hair, bite my chin, and generally treat me as one of your toys, and although it sometimes hurts, I love how you love me!
-I love our quiet times, when you're sleepy and we cuddle, when you nurse and look at me, when you JUST don't want anything but your mama :-)
- I love being your mom, I love that you are my baby. I love you Lakelan :-)
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Thursday, June 22, 2006
VAMOS ARGENTINA!
This post is pretty much for about 3 people. The people I know who actually KNOW that the soccer World Cup is currently going on and that I AM VERY passionate about it.
I have rooted for my country (Argentina) ever since I can remember. I distinctly remember celebrating with family, friends and even strangers our world cup victory in 1986, and I was only 7 years old :-).
Every world cup after that (1990, 1994,1998, 2002 and now) I have been a foreigner. A foreigner rooting for a team nobody really cares about in the place where I live. That's because for world cups '90, '94 and '98 I was living in Italy and for the last two I have been in the U.S. where not only do people not care about MY country, they mostly don't even know about the world cup!!
There's a very strange feeling you get when you are in a country that is not your own, and you are rooting for your team.
It truly transcends soccer, it goes beyond that. You root for your country, your heritage, your neighbors, your family, everything that is familiar, everything you hold dear about the place, everything you remember about it from when you were a child.
Although I have called the U.S. my home for about 7 years, Argentina IS where I am from, where I am connected to a part of me that over the years just seems to get stronger. No matter how many years I live abroad, I will always shout out "VAMOS ARGENTINA!!" for every World Cup just as I did when I was 7 years old :-).
NOTE: Yes, the 2nd team I root for is the U.S. even though soccer is SO not the sport of choice here! :-)
I have rooted for my country (Argentina) ever since I can remember. I distinctly remember celebrating with family, friends and even strangers our world cup victory in 1986, and I was only 7 years old :-).
Every world cup after that (1990, 1994,1998, 2002 and now) I have been a foreigner. A foreigner rooting for a team nobody really cares about in the place where I live. That's because for world cups '90, '94 and '98 I was living in Italy and for the last two I have been in the U.S. where not only do people not care about MY country, they mostly don't even know about the world cup!!
There's a very strange feeling you get when you are in a country that is not your own, and you are rooting for your team.
It truly transcends soccer, it goes beyond that. You root for your country, your heritage, your neighbors, your family, everything that is familiar, everything you hold dear about the place, everything you remember about it from when you were a child.
Although I have called the U.S. my home for about 7 years, Argentina IS where I am from, where I am connected to a part of me that over the years just seems to get stronger. No matter how many years I live abroad, I will always shout out "VAMOS ARGENTINA!!" for every World Cup just as I did when I was 7 years old :-).
NOTE: Yes, the 2nd team I root for is the U.S. even though soccer is SO not the sport of choice here! :-)
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
7 things
I wish people had told me about parenting a baby :-)
1) Your concept of a "good night's sleep" will change drastically
What I was told was "get your sleep now...because in a few months, blah blah blah" or "once you have the baby, say goodbye to sleeping in" what I wish they had told me is something like this : "what you think of as sleeping in will change from 10am to about 7 am" or "you will think you've had a good night's sleep when you've only gotten up once and spent a half hour to 45 minutes diapering, feeding and getting your baby back to sleep" or "the first time you sleep all the way to 6 or 7 am you'll feel like you have been to a full service spa during the night"
2) Your baby won't be as cute as you think
Well...he is. But what I mean is, there is NO way everyone sees my baby as I do. Because it is simply not possible that he is THE SINGLE MOST beautifull baby in the world, now is it? ;-)
3) Your concept of "date night" will change drastically
People would tell me (while pregnant) how important it will be to make time for "dates" with my husband. The concept of a "date night" back then for me would have included dinner, a movie, some wine, candle light, staying up late, etc.
Now, a date night involves decisions such as "should I bring the breast pump?" and goes something like this : baby sitter (close friend) comes over, I feed baby one last time, we hurry out, go to a movie, think about baby the whole time while trying to still catch what the movie is about, rush home feeling as though I haven't seen my baby for hours on end, are happier than when I left when I get back :-)
4) Everything you think is important now, won't be as important once baby comes
i.e. clean laundry, showers, vacuuming, dinner cooking, dog walking, tv shows, and on and on....
5)You will have a blast!
It's true, I have a ball hanging out with my baby! He's a character :-)
6) You will be obsessed with strange things...
the list goes something like this:
-am I making enough milk?
-is he eating enough?
-has he had enough wet and poopy diapers today?
-has he napped enough today?
-will he be too hot/too cold while he's sleeping?
-does he have gas?
7) and amazed by the smallest of accomplishments:
- oh wow, he SMILED AT ME!!!
- Look honey, he can GRAB a toy!
- STOP everything you're doing, HE ROLLED OVER! :-)
I'm sure as time goes on I'll think of more and continue my list, but for now, this one goes out to all parents but especially moms! Happy Mother's Day everyone!!!
1) Your concept of a "good night's sleep" will change drastically
What I was told was "get your sleep now...because in a few months, blah blah blah" or "once you have the baby, say goodbye to sleeping in" what I wish they had told me is something like this : "what you think of as sleeping in will change from 10am to about 7 am" or "you will think you've had a good night's sleep when you've only gotten up once and spent a half hour to 45 minutes diapering, feeding and getting your baby back to sleep" or "the first time you sleep all the way to 6 or 7 am you'll feel like you have been to a full service spa during the night"
2) Your baby won't be as cute as you think
Well...he is. But what I mean is, there is NO way everyone sees my baby as I do. Because it is simply not possible that he is THE SINGLE MOST beautifull baby in the world, now is it? ;-)
3) Your concept of "date night" will change drastically
People would tell me (while pregnant) how important it will be to make time for "dates" with my husband. The concept of a "date night" back then for me would have included dinner, a movie, some wine, candle light, staying up late, etc.
Now, a date night involves decisions such as "should I bring the breast pump?" and goes something like this : baby sitter (close friend) comes over, I feed baby one last time, we hurry out, go to a movie, think about baby the whole time while trying to still catch what the movie is about, rush home feeling as though I haven't seen my baby for hours on end, are happier than when I left when I get back :-)
4) Everything you think is important now, won't be as important once baby comes
i.e. clean laundry, showers, vacuuming, dinner cooking, dog walking, tv shows, and on and on....
5)You will have a blast!
It's true, I have a ball hanging out with my baby! He's a character :-)
6) You will be obsessed with strange things...
the list goes something like this:
-am I making enough milk?
-is he eating enough?
-has he had enough wet and poopy diapers today?
-has he napped enough today?
-will he be too hot/too cold while he's sleeping?
-does he have gas?
7) and amazed by the smallest of accomplishments:
- oh wow, he SMILED AT ME!!!
- Look honey, he can GRAB a toy!
- STOP everything you're doing, HE ROLLED OVER! :-)
I'm sure as time goes on I'll think of more and continue my list, but for now, this one goes out to all parents but especially moms! Happy Mother's Day everyone!!!
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
I'm still here!
I am afraid two things will start happening to my blog:
1) I will talk mainly and maybe only about my beautiful baby boy Lakelan :-)
2) I will blog less and less frequently as I spend more and more time enjoying my beautiful son Lakelan :-)
But that's ok, life's for living, and if you have a couple of minutes to blog about it, then that's a bonus!
This blog is more or less a reminder for myself. A way of putting down into words what I feel NOW, so that I won't forget later.
Being a mom has by far been (so far) the most challenging, stretching, beautiful, rewarding thing I have ever done. But I can't help but feel that it isn't really something I do. It truly is a big part of who I am. It isn't ALL I am but right now it sure feels like it takes up much of my personhood, and I like it :-)
I'm realizing that being a mom truly is a change in who I am, what I'm about, what my priorities are, what catches my attention, what I value most, what matters to me.
It goes beyond my little bundle of joy, it stretches out into the world and I'm noticing others more. Other mothers, fathers, children and families. I'm feeling them on a different level, as though a new part of my heart has been opened.
I have always been one to value relationships more than anything. People before tasks, friends before "duties", family before money and jobs, etc. But now, it seems I'm taking it to the extreme :-) I think I see things clearly, maybe (dare I say it?) closer to how God sees them? I see the people, the hearts, the desires, the dreams, the pain, and I don't look so much at the stuff, the jobs, the tasks, the responsibilities. I know I know...those are all important too, I just..see them from a different angle now :-) and I like it.
1) I will talk mainly and maybe only about my beautiful baby boy Lakelan :-)
2) I will blog less and less frequently as I spend more and more time enjoying my beautiful son Lakelan :-)
But that's ok, life's for living, and if you have a couple of minutes to blog about it, then that's a bonus!
This blog is more or less a reminder for myself. A way of putting down into words what I feel NOW, so that I won't forget later.
Being a mom has by far been (so far) the most challenging, stretching, beautiful, rewarding thing I have ever done. But I can't help but feel that it isn't really something I do. It truly is a big part of who I am. It isn't ALL I am but right now it sure feels like it takes up much of my personhood, and I like it :-)
I'm realizing that being a mom truly is a change in who I am, what I'm about, what my priorities are, what catches my attention, what I value most, what matters to me.
It goes beyond my little bundle of joy, it stretches out into the world and I'm noticing others more. Other mothers, fathers, children and families. I'm feeling them on a different level, as though a new part of my heart has been opened.
I have always been one to value relationships more than anything. People before tasks, friends before "duties", family before money and jobs, etc. But now, it seems I'm taking it to the extreme :-) I think I see things clearly, maybe (dare I say it?) closer to how God sees them? I see the people, the hearts, the desires, the dreams, the pain, and I don't look so much at the stuff, the jobs, the tasks, the responsibilities. I know I know...those are all important too, I just..see them from a different angle now :-) and I like it.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
This Incredible thing called Motherhood
WOW--Ok, this time I have a very good reason for not blogging for so long! I have a 3 week old baby :-)
What an amazing time this has been! Everything from the day it all started,(January 18th early morning)to the actual delivery, meeting my beautiful boy, sharing this awesome experience with close friends and with Paul, to coming home and learning to care for this precious little miracle..it has ALL been WAY more than I could have ever expected or imagined. People do tell you that it is something that you can't quite describe and well, it's TRUE! there are NO words. If there was ever a time when I have truly experienced God, his love, his goodness, his faithfulness, and his awesome power, this was it. The amazing experience of having a brand new perfect little life come from my body and into the world has forever changed me.
The gift God has given me in Lakelan is more than I will ever be able to put into words and more than I will ever be able to repay, just as anything that comes from our Father is!!
Obviously I don't have much time to blog these days so this is a short one, it is simply what I've been thinking since my little man was born. I'm in awe, I'm ecstatic, exhausted, and happier than I ever remember being!! Sharing this amazing new part of my life with Paul has also been unexpectedly rewarding and just, amazing. Again, too much for words. Thankful doesn't even begin to describe how I feel towards my faithful Father. That I would be privileged to receive such a blessing is almost more than my heart can take.
Now, I have to end this blog because I want to go be with and enjoy my little miracle, my baby, my boy :-)
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Lakelan Matias Jones
Here's the little man! He arrived on 01-19-06 at 2:31, weighed 8lbs 5oz and is 21 inches and he's GORGEOUS! :-)
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Surrender
Recently I had to (and still am) deal with some major unpleasant family stuff.
(by family I mean the one I grew up with,my immediate family).
I won't get into details, mostly because, they're unpleasant to say the least, but what I've come away with from it all so far is, surrendering to God, and his love, sometimes is really all you have left. Not that that isn't enough in and of itself, I just mean, sometimes you REALLY have no other options.
Most of us know about God's love for us, and we know He is really all we need, but we still do hang on to our relationships, our posessions, careers, whatever makes us feel good. Well, what I have recently been going through has left me in a place where all I can really do is cling to God, my Father, and his love.
Because the hurt, the pain, the holes left in my heart can only be healed and filled by him. The only one who knows the pain I feel is him.
In the face of such pain and powerlesness there's great comfort in knowing that at least HE KNOWS what I suffered and still suffer;he knows what I lacked as a child and what I need now. So all I need to do, is surrender. Surrender to the notion that what happened can't be changed, and surrender to the notion that what I needed as a child, I didn't get. But most importantly, surrender to the notion that the love I need now comes from my gracious heavenly Father.
(by family I mean the one I grew up with,my immediate family).
I won't get into details, mostly because, they're unpleasant to say the least, but what I've come away with from it all so far is, surrendering to God, and his love, sometimes is really all you have left. Not that that isn't enough in and of itself, I just mean, sometimes you REALLY have no other options.
Most of us know about God's love for us, and we know He is really all we need, but we still do hang on to our relationships, our posessions, careers, whatever makes us feel good. Well, what I have recently been going through has left me in a place where all I can really do is cling to God, my Father, and his love.
Because the hurt, the pain, the holes left in my heart can only be healed and filled by him. The only one who knows the pain I feel is him.
In the face of such pain and powerlesness there's great comfort in knowing that at least HE KNOWS what I suffered and still suffer;he knows what I lacked as a child and what I need now. So all I need to do, is surrender. Surrender to the notion that what happened can't be changed, and surrender to the notion that what I needed as a child, I didn't get. But most importantly, surrender to the notion that the love I need now comes from my gracious heavenly Father.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
When is baby coming--PART II
This is a picture of baby Jones and his cute little pout :-)
In my last post I forgot to mention that Paul and I have not so far come up with a name we both agree on, so if along with your prediction you'd like to offer up any name suggestions, we'd appreciate that! :-)
When is baby coming?
This is Baby Jones at 34 weeks with his hand in front of his face :-)
Ok...I am currently 34 weeks pregnant and I thought it would be fun to have a poll and see what everyone thinks about when the baby is coming.
So, go ahead and post a comment indicating:
-when you will think baby will come (due date is Jan 23 2006)
-how much baby will weigh
-we were pretty much told at our latest ultrasound that it IS indeed a boy, but feel free to disagree :-)
I'll post the winner shortly after the birth :-)or maybe not so shortly..depends on how much sleep I'm getting!
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
This Incredible Thing Called Pregnancy
I am currently 29 weeks pregnant, and it's starting to get really, really fun.
I know, some of you ladies with children think maybe I am writing as a result of a fresh batch of pregnancy hormones causing temporary euphoria or something!
It sure makes me tired, and achy, but overall, the feeling of carrying this tiny little miracle inside me just fills me with giggly joy. And the thought that in a few weeks (not NEARLY soon enough!)I will be holding this baby in my arms and looking into his eyes (disclaimer: yes, ultrasound technicians do make mistakes, so it could be a girl, but I refuse to call my baby IT!) fills me with more excitement than I can stand!
I can now distinguish certain body parts, such as his bottom, and even his tiny little foot! I love to poke him and make him move, almost as though we're playing a game :-)
It is miraculously incomprehensible how in love I can be with this little person that God is making inside me, and to think it will actually get better when he's here, is just more than my brain can grasp. But that's ok, it won't be a "brain thing", it will be a "heart" thing. I just Can't wait!
I know, some of you ladies with children think maybe I am writing as a result of a fresh batch of pregnancy hormones causing temporary euphoria or something!
It sure makes me tired, and achy, but overall, the feeling of carrying this tiny little miracle inside me just fills me with giggly joy. And the thought that in a few weeks (not NEARLY soon enough!)I will be holding this baby in my arms and looking into his eyes (disclaimer: yes, ultrasound technicians do make mistakes, so it could be a girl, but I refuse to call my baby IT!) fills me with more excitement than I can stand!
I can now distinguish certain body parts, such as his bottom, and even his tiny little foot! I love to poke him and make him move, almost as though we're playing a game :-)
It is miraculously incomprehensible how in love I can be with this little person that God is making inside me, and to think it will actually get better when he's here, is just more than my brain can grasp. But that's ok, it won't be a "brain thing", it will be a "heart" thing. I just Can't wait!
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Change of Heart
I shouldn't be surprised. After all, I know my Father well. Perhaps not as well as I could, or as well as I'd want to, but I have come to know his love, his grace, his patience.
So when I asked him to change my heart so that I can let go of my bitterness, and He did, I shouldn't have been surprised!
I guess I'm not really surprised, just...pleasantly aware of his love for me and his will.
His will is that my heart be filled with his spirit and his love. Not my fleshly desires and emotions. His will is that I give of that love to those around me.
So when not only did he softened my heart, but softened the heart of someone I had inadvertently hurt with my bitterness and brought love back into our relationship, it is as though he was saying that he can't get enough of those prayers, because he loves to answer them. He wants nothing more than for me to be his child, and come to him when I'm at the end of myself, and ask for my heart to be more like his.
I love to do it. To recognize that I need him and ask. And then watch him work, feel him work in me, and those around me.
But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth, Such wisdom does not come down from heaven but is earthyl, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambitio, there you find disorder and every evil practice.
But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure:then peace-loving, considerate, submissive,full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.
James 3:14-17
So when I asked him to change my heart so that I can let go of my bitterness, and He did, I shouldn't have been surprised!
I guess I'm not really surprised, just...pleasantly aware of his love for me and his will.
His will is that my heart be filled with his spirit and his love. Not my fleshly desires and emotions. His will is that I give of that love to those around me.
So when not only did he softened my heart, but softened the heart of someone I had inadvertently hurt with my bitterness and brought love back into our relationship, it is as though he was saying that he can't get enough of those prayers, because he loves to answer them. He wants nothing more than for me to be his child, and come to him when I'm at the end of myself, and ask for my heart to be more like his.
I love to do it. To recognize that I need him and ask. And then watch him work, feel him work in me, and those around me.
But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth, Such wisdom does not come down from heaven but is earthyl, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambitio, there you find disorder and every evil practice.
But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure:then peace-loving, considerate, submissive,full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.
James 3:14-17
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Kindness
This past weekend at Crosswinds, the message Jack gave was about relationships.
As he listed some of the qualities that according to Paul (in the book of Colossians)we ought to display in our relationships, one of them stuck out : Kindness.
I don't think I have ever had any particular trouble extending kindness in my life. In fact most of the time I consider myself a pretty kind person and I have been told by others that I am.
But not this past Sunday. As I thought about kindness and compassion, another quality came up that goes hand in hand with these, and that is PATIENCE. I have alluded in the past to the fact that PATIENCE is NOT one of the qualities I naturally posses, and so, I realized that though I can be kind most of the time, when I'm running low on patience, the kindness kind of goes out the window. :-(
That seems to have been happening more than I care to admit recently. I could chalk it up to pregnancy hormones but that seems like a cop-out. Truth is, I have been less patient and that has caused me to harbor unkind thoughts and feelings towards others, to the point of embitterment. What I didnt realize is that although I was trying my darnest to hide it all, it was coming out in my behavior and attitude.
And so I discovered that for a long time now, I have been trying harder to BE kind, APPEAR kind, DISPLAY kindnesss than I have been trying to honestly change my heart, ask God for patience, and wait on Him to do His work. That produced hollow, empty, meaningless kindness, not true kindness at all. I hate that realization because I do not like "fake" people, and yet, to some extent in certain situations, I was being fakely kind for the sake of appearance. YUCK. I hate that!
So this morning as I go about my tasks, and I examine the thoughs in my head and words out of my mouth, I realize that my heart is bitter, and I don't like it. So I ask my Father to cleanse my heart, and fill it with love, patience and kindness to give.
TRUE kindness, the same kindness He gives to me even when I fail and disappoint Him.
"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."
Col 3:12-14
As he listed some of the qualities that according to Paul (in the book of Colossians)we ought to display in our relationships, one of them stuck out : Kindness.
I don't think I have ever had any particular trouble extending kindness in my life. In fact most of the time I consider myself a pretty kind person and I have been told by others that I am.
But not this past Sunday. As I thought about kindness and compassion, another quality came up that goes hand in hand with these, and that is PATIENCE. I have alluded in the past to the fact that PATIENCE is NOT one of the qualities I naturally posses, and so, I realized that though I can be kind most of the time, when I'm running low on patience, the kindness kind of goes out the window. :-(
That seems to have been happening more than I care to admit recently. I could chalk it up to pregnancy hormones but that seems like a cop-out. Truth is, I have been less patient and that has caused me to harbor unkind thoughts and feelings towards others, to the point of embitterment. What I didnt realize is that although I was trying my darnest to hide it all, it was coming out in my behavior and attitude.
And so I discovered that for a long time now, I have been trying harder to BE kind, APPEAR kind, DISPLAY kindnesss than I have been trying to honestly change my heart, ask God for patience, and wait on Him to do His work. That produced hollow, empty, meaningless kindness, not true kindness at all. I hate that realization because I do not like "fake" people, and yet, to some extent in certain situations, I was being fakely kind for the sake of appearance. YUCK. I hate that!
So this morning as I go about my tasks, and I examine the thoughs in my head and words out of my mouth, I realize that my heart is bitter, and I don't like it. So I ask my Father to cleanse my heart, and fill it with love, patience and kindness to give.
TRUE kindness, the same kindness He gives to me even when I fail and disappoint Him.
"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."
Col 3:12-14
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Argentina, mi País
From time to time I feel this void in my heart...It comes from having been a wanderer most of my life, never feeling like I am at home in any one given place.
I was born in Cordoba, Argentina, a relatively big city by South AMerican standards and for 11 years, that was home. Then my father decided he would give Europe a try, since he had relatives in Italy, and after living there for 2 years by himself, he sent money for us to move there as well. Italy then became home for 7 years, but it never felt that way. We all felt as though a chunk of us was still in Cordoba, like a chunk of our hearts had been left behind.
We did go back to Argentina, but for me, having left at 11 and come back at 18, nothing was the same. Nowhere felt like home. Italy wasn't it, Argentina didn't quite cut it, I was homeless.
I'll spare you the details, but after trying different things, I ended up in the States, and decided this was where I felt I could start anew. And shortly there after I truly felt, this is where God had intended for me to be, and make my home. And for the most part it has been home now for about 7 years.
Since living here though, I have been back to Argentina, my first home.
And somehow going back as an adult, made a difference. Going back and bringing my american husband and showing him around, the places where I grew up, helped me to really appreciate MY HOME. To truly see what makes ME a girl from Argentina.
There are things about Argentina that are un-explainable. They are what I feel when I hear someone speak my language (not just spanish, but ARGENTINA spanish), what I feel when I hear a tango, what I feel when I go back to visit, get off the plane and a wave of familiarity and warmth invade my heart. I can't explain to you why Argentina will always be my home, or why it is such a special place with a truly special culture and people, I can't explain why a piece of me will always be there even while I've made my home here in the States.
Córdoba es mi ciudad, Argentina mi País, soy argentina, y siempre lo seré.
I was born in Cordoba, Argentina, a relatively big city by South AMerican standards and for 11 years, that was home. Then my father decided he would give Europe a try, since he had relatives in Italy, and after living there for 2 years by himself, he sent money for us to move there as well. Italy then became home for 7 years, but it never felt that way. We all felt as though a chunk of us was still in Cordoba, like a chunk of our hearts had been left behind.
We did go back to Argentina, but for me, having left at 11 and come back at 18, nothing was the same. Nowhere felt like home. Italy wasn't it, Argentina didn't quite cut it, I was homeless.
I'll spare you the details, but after trying different things, I ended up in the States, and decided this was where I felt I could start anew. And shortly there after I truly felt, this is where God had intended for me to be, and make my home. And for the most part it has been home now for about 7 years.
Since living here though, I have been back to Argentina, my first home.
And somehow going back as an adult, made a difference. Going back and bringing my american husband and showing him around, the places where I grew up, helped me to really appreciate MY HOME. To truly see what makes ME a girl from Argentina.
There are things about Argentina that are un-explainable. They are what I feel when I hear someone speak my language (not just spanish, but ARGENTINA spanish), what I feel when I hear a tango, what I feel when I go back to visit, get off the plane and a wave of familiarity and warmth invade my heart. I can't explain to you why Argentina will always be my home, or why it is such a special place with a truly special culture and people, I can't explain why a piece of me will always be there even while I've made my home here in the States.
Córdoba es mi ciudad, Argentina mi País, soy argentina, y siempre lo seré.
Friday, September 23, 2005
The Miracle of Life
Recently I have been pondering on the amazing miracle that a new life is. A new embryo conceived inside the mother's womb who slowly grows to become a fully formed baby with all the organs it will need, hands, feet, eyes, nose...who will then be born,and have his own eye and hair color, personality, IQ, relationship with God etc... It's all incomprehensibly wondrous
Even more recently God has given me a snap-shot of that very awesome phenomenon to observe: My dog had puppies. Out of her came 5 fully formed beautiful little baby dogs with eyes, paws,tales, and squeaky little voices. And she knew that she was their mom, knew that she was supposed to feed them, lick them and keep the safe and warm. What an awesome thing. To see God's supreme creation at work. Mother's instincts, babies being born, eating,growing. He gave me a wonderful chance to see His handiwork right in my own home, a chance to feel the love I have for my dog be extended to her babies, to feel the warmth that comes from seeing a family. That is what they are, altogether, in their big wooden box, a big, happy family.
How awesome.
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