Friday, April 03, 2009

who I am

Lately it seems I've been wrestling more than usual with ideas about..who I am, in life, as a woman, as a person, in God's eyes...I've been reading books, praying, thinking...

I seem to go back and forth a lot, between the place where I am secure in who I am in God, as his daughter, as his child, and the place where I am plagued by my inadequacies, my weaknesses, where I am desperate to feel important, to have people like me and respect me and think certain things about me.

I know the truth. The truth is that who I am in God is enough. What HE THINKS of me is more than enough. WHO He made me to be is enough. His love for me is enough.
That truth helps me get a grip when my crippling insecurities have me spinning out of control. HOWEVER....

I am of my weaknesses is precisely the fact that I focus on my weaknesses...and it seems I find ways to give myself a ZERO in almost every single worldly grading system given the right time and circumstances...I don't look right, I don't speak the right words, think the right thoughts, have the right experience...the list goes on and on...

What's interesting is that, for the most part, the thing that triggers these feelings of self doubt is other people. If all I ever cared about what was what God thinks of me, wants from me, asks of me, I have a feeling my insecure days would be fewer..and not as devastating. But I look around, I compare, I seek approval from the world, the flesh, other fallen ones who have the same weaknesses I have because, well, they are also human, imagine that.

Seems to me, if we all accept the fact that we are human, that we are broken, but that we have a Father who created us, loves us and has saved us...we could all focus on loving each other and giving Him our best. I of course only have control over what I can and will do, and with His help I will be the latter. To love Him and to seek to please Him,even in my humanness, and to accept, FREELY His unending, unconditional love for me.

I don't have a reason to believe that my tendency to find fault within myself will just go away magically, but for now, as I grow and still wrestle and struggle, I will HOLD tightly onto what I know is TRUTH(as taken from a Chris Tomlin song):

"You see the depths of my heart and you love me the same, you are amazing God"

He knows ALL the parts of me, even the ones that no other human knows, and loves me MORE than any human ever could...paradoxical, isn't it?
Paradoxical and magnificent.