The love of God which is in Christ Jesus

"All that is not the love of God has no meaning for me. I can truthfully say that I have no interest in anything but the love of God which is in Christ Jesus. If God wants it to, my life will be useful through my word and witness. If he wants to, my life will bear fruit through my prayers and sacrifices. But the usefulness of my life is his concern, not mine. It would be indecent of me to worry about that." Dominique Voillaume

I read these words today in Brennan Manning's book "The signature of Jesus", a fantastic book that I am already to the middle of (and wishing I didn't go so fast so there'd be more to read longer!) since starting it Thursday.

I read them and so wished those words spoke of my soul, my heart, my love and relationship with Jesus. I read them and thought, this is who I want to be.
I've spent so many years (and especially recently) trying to "figure out what I want to be when I grow up", and today I thought "THIS!" This is not what but who I want to be. What I do is secondary to who I am, and what I want to spend my energy and focus on is being.
I want to live for, from and through the love of God which is in Christ Jesus. I want to not be concerned whether or not my life is "useful", because my life is His, and He will do with it what He will, for His purposes and His glory.
I want to not care about my appearance, my reputation, my accomplishments, and what others think. I want to count it all as white noise.
I want to be single minded, I want to live a simple life. If as quote above, Dominique Voillaume lived a simple life it is because he had only one priority: the love of God which is in Christ Jesus. Everything else pails, everything else fades, everything else is fluff.

I've spent so much time thinking, worrying, planning and striving focused entirely on myself. And where have I gotten? I am still as lost I have ever been. But one thing continues to grow over the years. My desire to get closer to what Manning calls "the center". My desire to be closer to the simple and powerful truth of Jesus Christ grows as I get older and keeps me awake at night, inconveniences me while I go about my day, interrupts my selfish and idle thoughts. And I thank God for it. I want to live in His interruptions, not in my plans. I want to live in His inconvenient setbacks, not my carefully concocted agenda. I want to live in His uncertainty, because He is all that is certain.

I haven't been honest. I have been carefully staging and covering and maneuvering so as to appear. Appear smart, deep, well read, sensitive, spiritual, you name it. Appear. I still act, and talk and post so as to appear a certain way. What an incredible waste of time and energy. I am not here to appear. I am here to live by the love of God who is in Christ Jesus. I am here to love and cherish and point to Him. What I want to appear as and be is the love of God .

I don't know how. But I do trust Him, and it is the desire of my heart. And He says something about that in Psalm 37, doesn't He? Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.

My desire is to delight in Him, kind of a "chicken and egg" situation, wouldn't you say?
It would be just like God to make it this simple: I desire to delight in Him, and He promises to give me the desire of my heart.

Bliss

I was having a conversation with a very wise man recently, and yet rather than feeling inspired, I was left confused and annoyed.

This wise man was perhaps, in his signature style, condensing the truth (as he saw it) about the subject into one or two sentences, which troubled me, since I process everything verbally, and speech (whether written or spoken) is truly where I find my peace as I unravel the knots and work things out.

The conversation went something like this:
Me: "I don't know what to do, I want to do something, I just don't know what it is"
Paul (yes that's right, he is the wise man I am referring to): "Just do what you love" (notice how many fewer words he uses)
Me: "But I am just not sure what I love! (in a whiny childish tone...endearing, I know)"
Paul:  "Just follow your bliss" (ok, this statement was a bit frightening as it sounded more like Oprah than Paul, but I swear that's what he said)
Me:"ugh, you don't get it!" (sounding like an angry and rebellious teenager)

Of course, if I am referring to Paul as the wise man, it's because I realize,  in hindsight and a couple of months later, that I am the one who "gets it" now and who was not getting it before.

The truth is, his statement troubled me because it was simple. It was an action statement. Unfortunately I am the kind of person who will go about something in circles and never-ending speculation and regurgitation before I will actually DO something, which I am sure, drives Paul crazy, but that's besides the point.
The point is, action is scary to me. Fear. Action implies commitment, desire, movement and consequences. That is scary to me. Talking about doing something, writing about it and considering all the pros and cons, THAT is where my strength lies, right? Or maybe that is where I lose my life. I lose my life while I am considering what to do with it.

It also troubled me because I truly thought I had lost touch with what I love and would not be able to discover what it is I wanted to spend time exploring and doing. And then what? Scary. There's that fear again.

And it unsettled me because I thought that "my bliss" would translate to my life's work, my career, the thing I spend the rest of my life dedicating myself to. And sadly,  I just did not see anything in my life that could become that, which left me feeling a bit like a loser quite frankly. A scared loser.

Then I started trying to think of it in different terms, and just truly find something that gave me pleasure, and do that, for a while at least. Even though I was still scared. Even though that wouldn't be enough, even though I still had so much work to do to find what I truly wanted to do (or so I thought).

I forget exactly how it came to be that I took a step forward, but I did. Amidst the fear and the doubt, I was SICK of myself and all my "researching" and decided to pick something-anything-that I had been considering and, in the wise words of a very rich advertiser, just DO IT.
Then I promptly found some excuses for why it wouldn't work:

It's too far away
We don't have the money
I don't even know if I will like it
It will probably be a waste of time

Then the annoyed "I've had it up to my ears with all your wishy-washy pondering" side of me took over and the decision was made. I am going. And that's THAT!(that is a reference to "How the Grinch stole Christmas" in case you missed it).

The thing I had decided to do (and had been considering more or less for about SIX YEARS) was sign up for a dance class. Modern dance to be exact. Something I have loved since I was a teenager and have missed since I stopped doing it. You would not think it would be this difficult for a person to realize they love and miss something and decide to bring that back into their lives, but what can I say, it's a gift. I am my own worst enemy.

Much to my own surprise, when the day actually came, I got in my car and drove the whole half hour to the studio (I know, SO far!!!!), I went in and danced.
I danced, boy did I dance. It was like coming back to life. Being in the studio with other dancers,moving and flowing and learning a routine, piecing it together, the rhythm and the sweat, feeling my heartbeat in my throat, and the sore feet.

The whole experience left me wondering "WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME" I could have been feeling like this for the past six years! But, that is the side of me that likes to beat me up, so I promptly shut her up and continued to bask in the glow of my reclaimed inner dancer.

I have been dancing for only a month, but I cannot conceive a time when I would choose not to dance. Or when I would again say that a half an hour in the car is too long or too big a sacrifice. Or when I would find there is something I would choose over this for that time.

For the 90 minutes I am there, something beautiful happens to me, and I would be an absolute fool not to give myself that gift, as often as I can. That is bliss. It's only one little piece of bliss once a week for now, but it is the true definition of bliss. It's not a career, a life's work or anything beyond one dance class. It is the sense of truly belonging in my own body. It is the feeling of closeness to God Himself, to the one He has made me to be,and closest to her full expression. This is bliss, and I am following it, one class at a time, all the way to wherever it takes me.

I guess the wise man with few words was right. Boy, I hate it when he's right!

Enough

So often my posts begin with a quote from a book....yes, I admit it, reading is my crack, and Lord help me when I find an author I really enjoy..I end up reading all their work in just a few days. I guess I do have an addictive personality after all? I was sure I didn't, but I digress

I was reading the book "Lost and Found" by Geneen Roth (whom as you may be guessing is the author du jour for me, or more precisely du week) and she mentions the concept of "enough", which resonated deeply within me, and kind of echoed what I said in my post about contentment.

She writes:"Enough isn't an amount; it's a relationship to what you already have"

Well, we can probably all agree with that statement pretty readily,I think. And yet, in my own life, though the theory of this concept is something I can completely embrace, in the daily comings and goings, not so much.

The fact is that I want more, always
I have been living as if there wasn't enough to go around
I have been living as if I have to "make up" for who I am by getting "more"

If I surround myself with "enough" accoutrement's I can accessorize who I really am (not enough) and hope that everyone will see that what I have clearly demonstrated my worth, and agree with me.
From that standpoint, enough is unattainable. Because enough has to make up for my perceived lack, my deficiency, my inadequacy. And since it is my perception, no amount of outward accessories can come close to that which is inside my faulty head.
For a long time now I have worked on being as genuine as I can be with everyone around me.
I am transparent, honest and open about who I am, my shortcomings, my doubts, my fears. I always thought that meant that I was being "real". But where is the definition of this particular brand of real coming from?
As I am finding out, a big part of it is really a poorly constructed persona. Something my head has developed over the years, and not the best reflection of who I actually am. As it turns out, my version of "real" has more to do with the things I believe about myself (for many intricate reasons) than with the actual TRUTH about myself. It's not that I was being disingenuous, I was just being ignorant and stubborn.

How many of us live this way,I wonder? What do we really believe about ourselves, deep down? What things about ourselves do we take for granted as being "facts" about us, that could maybe stand a little closer examination?I ask because I think maybe, therein lies part of the reason why enough is just not within reach for so many.
For some of us enough is a number, like the one on the scale, or the one in the bank account. They represent security, identity and comfort.
For some, enough is a look, an outfit, a pair of shoes. For some is degrees, titles, accomplishments. There is of course nothing inherently wrong with these "things" in and of themselves, the question is: are these things that we believe about who we are? are these the things that propel the search and striving?
It's really not about the things themselves, it's about what value are we placing on them, what power do they have over us?

For me, the answer to that question was simply: too much.

I can slowly see that I subconsciously thought of myself as the child of long ago. Defenseless, unworthy, broken, insecure, inconvenient, and needy. This child needed comfort wherever it could be found. But there was never enough comfort anywhere. Not in a number, an outfit, a place, a home, a person. I looked for comfort and I looked to be MADE worthy by the "enough-ness" around me, not within me. Because I did not believe there was enough, inside.

Now, don't get me wrong, on a CONSCIOUS level I knew who GOD Made me and how much He loves me and that I am worthy simply because He made me and loves me.
But did this reflect in the way I lived? Did it show in my countenance, my joy, my heart? I was even using THAT as a shield, as an identity. It was not changing my heart, as much as I did try.

And what was my relationship with "what I already have"? Well, it was all going into a bottomless pit, so my relationship with what I already had was fraught with frustration and dissatisfaction. Nothing gave me meaning, nothing gave me peace, nothing brought on the fullness I was searching. Nothing was ever enough.
And another layer of sadness about this is that it robbed me of the joy of taking in what I did have. Those things that I fought hard for, those blessings God had brought into my life, I didn't even "let myself have them". I didn't truly believe (deep down in my broken subconscious) that I deserved these things, that they would last, that I wouldn't somehow screw them up.
Consciously I was grateful, but inside there was no peace.

So enough is a relationship. It has to start with the relationship I have with the one God has made perfect through His holiness. She is within, and she is enough.
Enough is my relationship with the One who has made me enough.
Enough is my relationship with the life He has given me.

Enough is not the number on the scale. Not the list of accomplishments. Not the amount of "likes" on my posts ;-) It isn't attainable "out there". It's IN HERE. It's in dismantling the lies I have believed about myself, and in discovering the freedom of the person He has made, not the prison of the person others have broken.

Enough is attainable because all I need is a willing heart, open and willing to look in and question things. It is attainable because He promises fullness and joy.
I want to spend the rest of my life reminding myself of that and looking for ways to have my "enough" spill over and be poured out for others.

I want to practice living what I know is true, and no longer letting my subconscious choices sabotage what I know. He has made me, He knows me, and He leads me inside for peace.
That is enough.

I want now to be...enough.

Fix you

I have shared my love for music before, and here are two song that are really wrecking me as of late...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EdBym7kv2IM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pY9b6jgbNyc

Lights will guide you home....

Only children know...

"No one is ever satisfied where they are..." 'Only the children know what they are looking for" said the little prince...

No one is ever satisfied where they are, the words ring in my ears and I think, no one is ever satisfied because they, or rather we, chase after things. Things to buy, to own, to be, to do. We search outside of ourselves and in the world, for the peace that comes from God, and from within.

How does God speak? Quietly and slowly, in the silence. Not in the frantic pace of our ceaseless striving activity, but in our quiet pondering.

Only children know. They know because they listen within and only seek the desires of their heart.
A child always has time. A child smiles easily. A child laughs heartily.
A child prioritizes love, almost always above all else. A child is content in mom's embrace and dad's smile. A child loves purely with very little expectations for anything more than love, care, and security.

Simple is better
less really IS more
An uncluttered mind is focused on what is most important: here, now, love

Less striving, pushing, demanding, greed
More accepting, giving, releasing, grace

A garden, however small, in spring
A hug given, every day
The truth spoken in love, as often as possible

Beauty is simple, unassuming, quiet and powerful, a child can remind us of that, if we let him

Free write...

Stream of consciousness...sometimes for me, is the only way to write, I guess that's what they call free writing

I sit here, I let my thoughts run out of my head and through my fingers to the keys, and I am typing, I guess that means I am writing...but do I really have anything to say?

Maybe that's irrelevant, maybe the exercise of simply sitting here and letting my fingers go and run free, is what gives my soul respite, although it isn't my fingers who need freedom, it is my heart, my soul.

Why do I seek freedom? Is my heart truly imprisoned? Perhaps I have created a prison for myself that I need to break free of. But if I am the jailer, I hold the key, yes? If only it were that easy.

I need Jesus, I need Him to break the chains that enslave me, I need Him to open the doors I have shut and locked for myself.

Am I spending all my time spinning and striving, only to always find myself in the same place? Is it time to finally let go and be still and know that He is God?
I have so little control over most things...isn't it time that I just, let go?
Isn't the truth that we cannot control life? And why would we want to?! it's not as though we know what we're doing!...on most days I don't even know what I want for lunch, let alone know what I want for my life...

I do know I want love, and love can be painful sometimes. Love can be hard work, and it can hurt. And love is sacrifice, and to love is to see someone else first. Maybe that's something I need to focus on, see others first. Stop looking inside so much, and pay attention to the souls around you. Is there redemption in selfless love? No question. No doubt.

Do I know you?

I was thinking about my blog today, and about how, if you are reading it, then..I am talking to you, so then I wondered...are you likely to get what I'm saying? Do you and I have some things in common? For example:

Have you ever found yourself thinking and analyzing so much that you worry about your own sanity?

Have you ever read a book and thought to yourself, "I have to read every other work by this author?"

Have you ever been moved to tears by the pure sound of music, whether pop, classical, jazz?

Have you ever watched the same movie (or read the same book) tens of times and experienced it at a different level each time?

Have you ever felt almost as if you might have a split personality disorder, because in the same day you are capable of reaching the deepest depth of the pit and also the highest peek of joy?

Have you ever thought that you belonged in another time, that you should have been born at a different time in history, or in a different place?

Have you ever seen a character in a movie and thought to yourself, "I could be like that!" except...you're not?

Have you ever felt paralyzed by too many options or choices?

Have you ever had one of those days when you thought "the only way I will get through this day is if I am able to pretend this is someone else's life for a while"?

Have you ever thought that you were meant for something really special, but are quite convinced that you will screw it up?

Are you fascinated by people like Hemingway, George Bernard Shaw, Henry David Thoreau, Thomas Merton?

Did you ever read the book or see the movie "Into the Wild" and were you haunted by it? By how much you identified with the main character?

Do you ever listen to a Jack Johnson song and just dream of leaving everything behind and moving to Hawaii? :-)

These are all things that either have happpened or currently happen to me, and I wonder how many people out there are a little bit like me...strength in numbers, right? Feels good to know that one isn't the only crazy one out there sometimes. But then some other times one would prefer the silly notion that one IS uniquely insane...or maybe that's just me.

I have had times in my life when I have examined how many little pieces of me I have left scattered across the world, and wonder, if I could somehow piece it all back together, what that would feel/look like...Because of how many times I have moved around, I have entire "lives" lived elsewhere, with other people...I have moved on from each life, each time with the sense of loss, along with that sense of adventure and excitement. But after so many years and so many losses, I start feeling as though I need to mourn those lives..and let them go, while somehow maintaining the parts of me that were changed through them, the parts of me that were loved and nurtured, and the parts of me that grew and learned...

If I could I would simultaneously live all of them at once...because they are all part of me, all three countries, all three languages, all three cultures, all those wonderful people who knew me, loved me, helped me to become a more genuine version of me. They liked me in spite of myself, cared for me and genuinely found something of value inside me.

I am pretty sure YOU are one of them, so thank you. And thank you for reading my crazy ramblings. Thank you for liking me, at least a little, for indulging my narcissism, and not judging me for it ;-)

really, thanks!

A Simple Life

I have been thinking lately about how much I crave a simple life, only to realize, I am not quite sure what that would entail.

I think it means being close to who God has made me to be, focusing on the ones I love, decluttering my mind, my life, and my home of those things that are just not essential. Easier said than done, right?

I feel a little lost but definitely very motivated to figure out what it is that a simple life would entail for me. Micah 6:8 pops into mind: "He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

When I think of what it is that I want my life to be about it always comes back to love, joy, companionship, beauty, simplicity. I think of Jesus, sharing meals with his dear friends, no home, no possessions, no real ties to the material world. And I so wish that could be me. Unencumbered by physical and material desires, free of the want and need to amass things, to create structures we then work to support. But I suppose that's wishing I wasn't human, which sometimes, I do.

I just want life to be SIMPLE. I want LESS. I want just the ESSENTIAL. Life is so short, we really don't have time to be messing around with anything else.

Winter...

A snapshot of life, captured in a mere instant, and my heart flutters and hungrily seeks beauty, always

Branches stretch up toward the heavens, hopeful for life, for one more drop of water before the last leaf drops to the ground

Still and naked, stripped bare, life snatched by winter. But is winter not death within life? Does it not hold the promise of renewed beauty and abundance, come spring?

Today came with such promise, as did yesterday, and with as much hope as will tomorrow. the last leaf will fall, and bare branches pleading for more will patiently wait...for their time, for another drop, for new life.

The desire of my heart ...?

The chilly air moves through the open window and it makes me want to move. It stirs me up inside and as I step outside I notice the bleeding sky, pink and white and blue….and as I look upward and notice nature’s canvas appear as if from nowhere, I notice how healing its beauty is, and how much I have needed to see beauty as of late. Captivated by it, my heart is alive with it and my thoughts start to flow and I wonder, today….I wonder about the desires of our hearts…

I know and have full confidence that God really does delight in giving us the desires of our hearts. But what if we don’t really know what those are? Is it possible that God gives us those desires even when we ourselves aren’t even able to identify them? Like the beautiful multicolor sky, does He give me things before I realize how soothing they are to me?

I wonder sometimes if part of this journey is recognizing that those things He gives us are, in fact, the things we ourselves want for our lives, desire in our hearts.

As humans we are well known for our self defeating, myopic ways and so I think maybe for some of us the fact is, that we get caught up and lost in the muck and mire of this life and are unable to see the proverbial forest for the trees. We may think that our desire is for a bigger house, or a nicer car, or an important title, only to realize once we achieve and obtain all that, we still have an unmet longing screaming louder and louder into our deaf, or at the very least confused, ears.

The grace of God is this most amazing living thing that continues to astound and surprise me in the most wonderful of ways. And so, I wonder if maybe, just maybe, since He knows me better than I know myself, He will give me what I most deeply desire, even when I really don't have e a clue what that is.

Could it be that this most gracious Father wants so badly to bless me that He gives me what I most deeply desire, before I ask? Could it be that all I truly need is to earnestly seek Him and His favor, and the result will be that He blesses me with the things I never knew I wanted?

I deeply hope so, because often I find myself so lost. I desperately pray so because I cannot trust my easily deceived heart to figure these things out.

I trust so because my Father loves me and my yearning is to honor Him, and He is ever faithful.

joy and grief

Bright sun in my eyes, crows over head lamenting, or is it laughing? The breeze moves across my skin and hair, and I am alive to this day, alive in Jesus, to what this life gives and to what it often harshly takes away.

My coffee is cold, but not my heart, even as I struggle to catch my breath, sorrow catching in my throat, my heart? No, my heart is warm...warm and full

"Who told us we'd be rescued?" the song goes, and it just keeps ringing in my ears, and inside of me, and "why should we be saved from nightmares?"

This is life, in its warmth there is cold, in its joy there is sorrow, in its pain there is love
And this is the gift...to hold warmth in the cold, to squeeze love out of pain, to let joy out of sorrow.
To hear birds and see sunrises, to sip warm coffee while swaddled in blankets in the crisp early morning.
To cry tears of sorrow that only true love can bring, to share in pain with those who mourn, because our hearts are full. To have unity across the distance, to have communion with those who are not here for us to hold.

Only a heart that is full can break
Only a cheek that's warm feels the fullness of the tears
Only life can bring both in

Like breathing in and breathing out, joy and sorrow dance in and out of life, in and out of hearts, and arms,and eyes, and ears...

To live is to suffer, to laugh and to cry, to give and to receive, to hurt and be hurt, at once to be both full and empty.

"Who told us we'd be rescued?" Life flows without safety nets, but our Savior falls and rises with us, His heart in our heart, His chest wet with our tears
His laugh hearty with ours, His joy immeasurable in us, His love full and strong, and everlasting.

Blast from the past....

Heard this song on the radio today after so many years, and felt like a rebellious teenager all over again...so much of its lyrics still rings true to me today.....

Alanis Morissette
Hand in my pocket

I'm broke but I'm happy, I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded, I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five

I feel drunk but I'm sober, I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm restless, I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything is going to be quite alright
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette

What it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a peace sign

I'm free but I'm focused, I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly, baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing, I'm brave but I'm chickenshit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano

And what it all comes down to, my friends, yeah
Is that everything is just fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab

over and over and over...

Sometimes I wonder...am I really ever learning anything new?

Recently someone suggested that I not only write, but that I might consider actually reading my own words, once in a while.
While it was mostly a tongue in cheek comment, it did cause me to think about this, and I am realizing, maybe I am really just chewing on the same lessons, over and over, year after year. Am I really that hard headed? (please no comments on this particular question, it is rhetorical) ;-)

Is it really taking years, and countless lessons to get me to pay attention and learn the most basic things about myself, and about my relationship with others and God?

I read back and see a theme of self exploration and introspection and yet, I continue to miss the point, or at least, it sure feels that way. I search and search...I ponder, and wonder, I ask, I seek, and yet I am still lost, still aimless, still confused.
If there is something I have always been good at is searching, and asking questions. The answering however, doesn't ever seem to satisfy me. Whatever answers I ever come up with, are only temporary, and whatever "wisdom" I seem to acquire is fleeting and difficult to apply.

Could it be that what I am supposed to learn really does take all this time? Could it be that what God is showing me is something I am not ready to see just yet? Will I subject myself to many more unnecessary trials before it finally sinks in and real change can begin?

I know God can use ANYTHING in my life to show me His truth, but I worry that I may be so blind, deaf and hard-headed that I may miss it, and continue in the desert when He is calling me out to the Promise Land.

I guess all I can do for now is keep my eyes, ears and heart open and hope that my own fleshly, self indulging and myopic view won't obscure and eclipse my own growth. I really would love to not continue learning the same lesson over and over, 'cause after a while... it gets boring, you know?

Musiiiiiiiic!!!!

Ok, first there is the absolutely addicting hooky tune, the ukelele sound, that just makes you want to get up and SHAKE IT, but the lyrics? LOVE!

I mean, how do you come up with the line: "Your lipstick stains on the front lobe of my left side brains"? or "the smell of you in every single dream I dream?"
I'm sorry, I'm just in love!...with the song :-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVpv8-5XWOI&feature=list_related&playnext=1&list=AVGxdCwVVULXcE8jOR7YoFQYLYbuNcVyAa

"Hey, Soul Sister"

Heeey heeeey heeeeey

Your lipstick stains on the front lobe of my left side brains
I knew I wouldn't forget you
And so I went and let you blow my mind
Your sweet moonbeam
The smell of you in every single dream I dream
I knew when we collided you're the one I have decided
Who's one of my kind

Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair you know
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight

Heeey heeeey heeeey

Just in time, I'm so glad you have a one track mind like me
You gave my life direction
A game show love connection, we can't deny
I'm so obsessed
My heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest
I believe in you, like a virgin, you're Madonna
And I'm always gonna wanna blow your mind

Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair you know
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight

The way you can cut a rug
Watching you is the only drug I need
So gangster, I'm so thug
You're the only one I'm dreaming of
You see I can be myself now finally
In fact there's nothing I can't be
I want the world to see you'll be with me

Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair you know
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
Heeey heeeey heeeeey (tonight)
Heeey heeeey heeeeey (tonight)

Big changes ahead

Well, I suppose an update is obligatory given the huge changes coming up in our lives..again

I sometimes think for someone on the outside looking in it must look a little bit like we are completely insane. You might be right!

After two very eventful years in Florida, it seems God is leading the way in a new direction. When we first moved here, we really felt good about it and like this was going to be home for a few long years. But it seems God had other ideas for us. I'm cool with that....I'd much rather follow Him :-)

There has been much good here...God did bless us with had happy and fulfilling times, lots of beach time, lots of wonderful sunshine, glorious sunsets, treasured friendships, and much more..but we have also had tragedy, loss, grief, pain, and hard, hard, hard work. In some ways I can say this year has been the hardest one I've had yet.

Although leaving Florida is in some ways bittersweet, it seems fitting, because it comes at a time when we need a rest. A rest from all the real hard work, from the heartache and pain we have endured, from all the growing God has demanded of us, and we are yearning and hoping for a place to call home, a place where we might be able to settle, for a longer while this time.

And so it is that we feel strongly that this next place is Raleigh, NC. For many practical reasons, at first glance. Such as, that is where our family company is headquartered (Global Wines Distribution), that is where we have family, it does not have 6 months of insane winter, nor does it have 6 months of almost unbearable summer (yes that's right, we DID get tired of the heat!) and other perfectly sensible reasons, and some other ones...less sensible, less "practical".

Such as the gut feeling I got when we went to visit Lakelan's prospective new school (Oak City Academy, a wonderful Christian Montessori school that is just starting this year), when we met with these wonderful and godly family who welcomed us in as if they had known us forever.
Or the feeling we got when we visited their home church....or the feeling I got when I saw on their bulletin that they need volunteers for their ESL ministry in downtown Raleigh (they had been PRAYING for native Spanish speakers they tell me!).

So much just makes sense about this, like being able to sit, chat, and sip wine, at the end of the day, with our family (brother in law, sister in law, mother and father in law) while our kids all play happily in the next room....like being able to all go into the actual office our company is run out of instead of sitting hundreds of miles away. Like having co-workers who are also neighbors, who I hope will become good friends.

Some of it doesn't have to make sense, it just feels right. It feels like the next chapter God is writing for us, and it feels like tiny crumbs along the way. It is so very gracious of Him, considering Raleigh would definitely not have been my first choice. And so I am willing, and I am going with an open heart. Open to what He may have in store for us next, for what He may lead us to.

Fall seems like the perfect time for such a transition, don't you think? Leaves are changing, the air is crisper (well not here in Florida quite yet!), and we are all kind of settling in for the coming Winter. Holidays, family time, warmth, cozy feelings, all good stuff. And I am really looking forward to it.

God has blessed us tremendously and He continues to do so. And as long as I have breadcrumbs, I will follow.

I will miss these glorious sunsets though!

Lazy :-D

I really wanted to put something on here today, it is a rainy day, and it seems like the perfect time to be writing. There is SO much to write about too! So much going on in my life right now, but...I'm feeling lazy and so...this instead :-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLexgOxsZu0&noredirect=1

Today I don't feel like doing anything....I just wanna lay in my bed. Don't feel like picking up the phone, so leave a message at the tone, cuz today I swear I'm not doing anythiiiing..nothing at all!' I'll just strut in my birthday suit, and let everything hang lose, yeah yeah yeah yeaaaaaah

Time to share some fantastic music...

A couple of really excellent songs...One of them makes my heart physically ache, so pure and from the heart. The other one is utterly simple yet so strong, honest and sensuous, it moves me to both sing and dance at the same time.

John Mayer

The Heart Of Life
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2mJpQSkae8

I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears
And listen

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know, it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then, circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good

John Mayer
Gravity
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7VBex8zbDRs

Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down

Oh I'll never know what makes this man
With all the love that his heart can stand
Dream of ways to throw it all away

Oh Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down

Oh twice as much ain't twice as good
And can't sustain like a one half could
It's wanting more
That's gonna send me to my knees
[repeat]

Oh gravity, stay the hell away from me
And gravity has taken better men than me (now how can that be?)

Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
C'mon keep me where the light is
C'mon keep me where the light is
Oh... where the light is!

Greater is He that is in you...

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."
Ephesians 6:12

These past few months have brought a real spiritual awakening. Following some tragedies in my family and some other unsettling events, there was much to be journeyed through and much to learn.

One truth that has been sinking in more and more has been the reality of the Spiritual battle we are all engaged in.
The verse above really does express exactly what I am trying to say: We fight against the spiritual forces of evil.

Never have I been more aware of the real presence of the enemy, or of God's power over him.
I think many times as Christians we may avoid this topic, it isn't the most popular. I think we do ourselves and the body a disservice in doing so. I myself considered not writing this post, because of the fact that it is a very unpopular topic, but I know there is power in reminding those around us, that we are HIS and we have HIS strength on our side.

I have been attacked mercilessly in the past few months, and I was allowing the enemy in, and he was winning. But God's strength is greater. God's faithfulness is far beyond any willpower I may have. All I did was cry out and He delivered me. And He did it in a way that let me know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it was HE who saved me, it was HE whose power overcame my struggle.

It is important to remember that as people who love Jesus and follow Him, we will be attacked. We will be vulnerable if we are light in this world. But more important to remember is that:

"you belong to God, my dear children...the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world." 1 John 4:4

My Life List

Some people have "bucket lists". I don't have one of those, but I do have a list in my mind of things I absolutely want to try at least once, in the next....5 years.
Some of these things may actually turn into more than just trying. Some of these things I may discover I truly love and continue them until my last day on earth.
Since I don't know which of these things will endure and which ones won't, I am very excited to begin and discover what I will truly love.
So here goes:

-take piano lessons (i have a sneaky feeling that this is a keeper, as long as I don't wimp out)
-photography
-take an art class (already enrolled in one...we'll see how that goes!)
-pick up dancing again, where I left off
-learn how to and plant a garden, so I can feed my family with REAL FOOD ;-)
-learn how to make Jam
-take a formal cooking class
-go on a Spiritual Retreat

Those are some of the things that have been floating around in my mind, and I find it helpful to write them down, lest I forget any!!

So here goes..next up is Drawing class. We'll see how I do...I have a feeling I will love it. :-)

Growing up

Growing up can do a lot of good things for us, if done right.

I am noticing myself growing up these days. I notice that when I watch a movie for example, I identify more with the middle aged couple who is fighting for their love and life, rather than the cute young couple with their budding romance.
I notice that on the rare occasion that I am browsing for a magazine to bring home, I am more attracted to "More" magazine (geared to women over 50) than 90% of the magazines aimed at my demographic.

I am noticing that I am welcoming a more mature side of me that has been slowly creeping into my life. This side of me is strong, opinionated, but waaaaaaaaaaay more relaxed at the same time. Kind of an interesting paradox. This side of me knows more than it used to, but realizes how little it actually knows.

In these days and months of introspection and self discovery I have come to realize a few very liberating things about myself. I have discovered that it is ok to be different.
I have discovered that I have been judging myself all these years for not performing to the standard that is set for a woman my age, with my faith, with my skills, potential, etc...
I have discovered that God has made me this way and HE DOESN'T CARE about my performance, He cares about my heart. And so, I don't care either.
I am discovering the sweet freedom of my Father's Love based on the sole fact that He made me and knows me and deeply delights in me.
I am discovering to indulge a little in all the little things that interest me, even if it means never specializing in any of them. I am discovering to savor and taste each day's little delights without worrying that they may not "amount" to anything in the end.
I am learning to truly hold on to what I have always known. That in the end, what matters has nothing to do with those things we spend so much of our days consumed by. What really matters are the things we are always too busy to fit into our days.
Allow me to make a sample list of these things that until recently I have been too distracted to truly enjoy:

-a truly rib squeezing hug from my boy
-a sweet kiss from my man
-a "cheshire cat" grin from anyone I love
-a warm and inviting cup of coffee
-my dogs playing with my son (notice I didn't say it the other way around)
-a wonderful chat with a dear friend
-a good HOUR of inspiring and recharging Yoga
-a good and hearty chuckle
-the time to enjoy writing, just because I love to
-the time to enjoy reading, just because I love to
-the quiet and stillness
-the noise and excitement (usually when Lakelan is home)
-a wonderful glass of red wine
-watering my (NOT DEAD) plants

there are many more....I am not saying that I have not enjoyed those things. I am saying I have been so distracted by what has been running in the back of my mind that so much of the enjoyment was being sucked out, unbeknownst to me.
Only now that I am truly present, do I NOTICE the difference. My gosh, I have been sleep walking through life! NOW I am awake, and now I feel those things so much more...
they feel real, they feel like LIFE revealing itself to me.
Some moments even feel, divine, they feel as though God is reaching down into my life to hand me these wonderful little presents.

I re-read some of my own blog entries from 5 or 6 years ago and it seems as though I have been circling this very concept all this time. But it finally feels as though I have reached its core.
Not by anything I have done, but by simply letting go. I have found God's peace in simply abandoning whatever expectations or plans I had for myself. For what makes up a "worthy" life.
A worthy life is lived with love, through and for love. A worthy life is REAL and genuine.
It is all I can claim today. By God's and my standards, it is worthy, and I can keep on just the way I am.
Sweet freedom....thank you Jesus.