Stream of consciousness...sometimes for me, is the only way to write, I guess that's what they call free writing
I sit here, I let my thoughts run out of my head and through my fingers to the keys, and I am typing, I guess that means I am writing...but do I really have anything to say?
Maybe that's irrelevant, maybe the exercise of simply sitting here and letting my fingers go and run free, is what gives my soul respite, although it isn't my fingers who need freedom, it is my heart, my soul.
Why do I seek freedom? Is my heart truly imprisoned? Perhaps I have created a prison for myself that I need to break free of. But if I am the jailer, I hold the key, yes? If only it were that easy.
I need Jesus, I need Him to break the chains that enslave me, I need Him to open the doors I have shut and locked for myself.
Am I spending all my time spinning and striving, only to always find myself in the same place? Is it time to finally let go and be still and know that He is God?
I have so little control over most things...isn't it time that I just, let go?
Isn't the truth that we cannot control life? And why would we want to?! it's not as though we know what we're doing!...on most days I don't even know what I want for lunch, let alone know what I want for my life...
I do know I want love, and love can be painful sometimes. Love can be hard work, and it can hurt. And love is sacrifice, and to love is to see someone else first. Maybe that's something I need to focus on, see others first. Stop looking inside so much, and pay attention to the souls around you. Is there redemption in selfless love? No question. No doubt.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Do I know you?
I was thinking about my blog today, and about how, if you are reading it, then..I am talking to you, so then I wondered...are you likely to get what I'm saying? Do you and I have some things in common? For example:
Have you ever found yourself thinking and analyzing so much that you worry about your own sanity?
Have you ever read a book and thought to yourself, "I have to read every other work by this author?"
Have you ever been moved to tears by the pure sound of music, whether pop, classical, jazz?
Have you ever watched the same movie (or read the same book) tens of times and experienced it at a different level each time?
Have you ever felt almost as if you might have a split personality disorder, because in the same day you are capable of reaching the deepest depth of the pit and also the highest peek of joy?
Have you ever thought that you belonged in another time, that you should have been born at a different time in history, or in a different place?
Have you ever seen a character in a movie and thought to yourself, "I could be like that!" except...you're not?
Have you ever felt paralyzed by too many options or choices?
Have you ever had one of those days when you thought "the only way I will get through this day is if I am able to pretend this is someone else's life for a while"?
Have you ever thought that you were meant for something really special, but are quite convinced that you will screw it up?
Are you fascinated by people like Hemingway, George Bernard Shaw, Henry David Thoreau, Thomas Merton?
Did you ever read the book or see the movie "Into the Wild" and were you haunted by it? By how much you identified with the main character?
Do you ever listen to a Jack Johnson song and just dream of leaving everything behind and moving to Hawaii? :-)
These are all things that either have happpened or currently happen to me, and I wonder how many people out there are a little bit like me...strength in numbers, right? Feels good to know that one isn't the only crazy one out there sometimes. But then some other times one would prefer the silly notion that one IS uniquely insane...or maybe that's just me.
I have had times in my life when I have examined how many little pieces of me I have left scattered across the world, and wonder, if I could somehow piece it all back together, what that would feel/look like...Because of how many times I have moved around, I have entire "lives" lived elsewhere, with other people...I have moved on from each life, each time with the sense of loss, along with that sense of adventure and excitement. But after so many years and so many losses, I start feeling as though I need to mourn those lives..and let them go, while somehow maintaining the parts of me that were changed through them, the parts of me that were loved and nurtured, and the parts of me that grew and learned...
If I could I would simultaneously live all of them at once...because they are all part of me, all three countries, all three languages, all three cultures, all those wonderful people who knew me, loved me, helped me to become a more genuine version of me. They liked me in spite of myself, cared for me and genuinely found something of value inside me.
I am pretty sure YOU are one of them, so thank you. And thank you for reading my crazy ramblings. Thank you for liking me, at least a little, for indulging my narcissism, and not judging me for it ;-)
really, thanks!
Have you ever found yourself thinking and analyzing so much that you worry about your own sanity?
Have you ever read a book and thought to yourself, "I have to read every other work by this author?"
Have you ever been moved to tears by the pure sound of music, whether pop, classical, jazz?
Have you ever watched the same movie (or read the same book) tens of times and experienced it at a different level each time?
Have you ever felt almost as if you might have a split personality disorder, because in the same day you are capable of reaching the deepest depth of the pit and also the highest peek of joy?
Have you ever thought that you belonged in another time, that you should have been born at a different time in history, or in a different place?
Have you ever seen a character in a movie and thought to yourself, "I could be like that!" except...you're not?
Have you ever felt paralyzed by too many options or choices?
Have you ever had one of those days when you thought "the only way I will get through this day is if I am able to pretend this is someone else's life for a while"?
Have you ever thought that you were meant for something really special, but are quite convinced that you will screw it up?
Are you fascinated by people like Hemingway, George Bernard Shaw, Henry David Thoreau, Thomas Merton?
Did you ever read the book or see the movie "Into the Wild" and were you haunted by it? By how much you identified with the main character?
Do you ever listen to a Jack Johnson song and just dream of leaving everything behind and moving to Hawaii? :-)
These are all things that either have happpened or currently happen to me, and I wonder how many people out there are a little bit like me...strength in numbers, right? Feels good to know that one isn't the only crazy one out there sometimes. But then some other times one would prefer the silly notion that one IS uniquely insane...or maybe that's just me.
I have had times in my life when I have examined how many little pieces of me I have left scattered across the world, and wonder, if I could somehow piece it all back together, what that would feel/look like...Because of how many times I have moved around, I have entire "lives" lived elsewhere, with other people...I have moved on from each life, each time with the sense of loss, along with that sense of adventure and excitement. But after so many years and so many losses, I start feeling as though I need to mourn those lives..and let them go, while somehow maintaining the parts of me that were changed through them, the parts of me that were loved and nurtured, and the parts of me that grew and learned...
If I could I would simultaneously live all of them at once...because they are all part of me, all three countries, all three languages, all three cultures, all those wonderful people who knew me, loved me, helped me to become a more genuine version of me. They liked me in spite of myself, cared for me and genuinely found something of value inside me.
I am pretty sure YOU are one of them, so thank you. And thank you for reading my crazy ramblings. Thank you for liking me, at least a little, for indulging my narcissism, and not judging me for it ;-)
really, thanks!
Sunday, January 08, 2012
A Simple Life
I have been thinking lately about how much I crave a simple life, only to realize, I am not quite sure what that would entail.
I think it means being close to who God has made me to be, focusing on the ones I love, decluttering my mind, my life, and my home of those things that are just not essential. Easier said than done, right?
I feel a little lost but definitely very motivated to figure out what it is that a simple life would entail for me. Micah 6:8 pops into mind: "He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."
When I think of what it is that I want my life to be about it always comes back to love, joy, companionship, beauty, simplicity. I think of Jesus, sharing meals with his dear friends, no home, no possessions, no real ties to the material world. And I so wish that could be me. Unencumbered by physical and material desires, free of the want and need to amass things, to create structures we then work to support. But I suppose that's wishing I wasn't human, which sometimes, I do.
I just want life to be SIMPLE. I want LESS. I want just the ESSENTIAL. Life is so short, we really don't have time to be messing around with anything else.
I think it means being close to who God has made me to be, focusing on the ones I love, decluttering my mind, my life, and my home of those things that are just not essential. Easier said than done, right?
I feel a little lost but definitely very motivated to figure out what it is that a simple life would entail for me. Micah 6:8 pops into mind: "He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."
When I think of what it is that I want my life to be about it always comes back to love, joy, companionship, beauty, simplicity. I think of Jesus, sharing meals with his dear friends, no home, no possessions, no real ties to the material world. And I so wish that could be me. Unencumbered by physical and material desires, free of the want and need to amass things, to create structures we then work to support. But I suppose that's wishing I wasn't human, which sometimes, I do.
I just want life to be SIMPLE. I want LESS. I want just the ESSENTIAL. Life is so short, we really don't have time to be messing around with anything else.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Winter...
A snapshot of life, captured in a mere instant, and my heart flutters and hungrily seeks beauty, always
Branches stretch up toward the heavens, hopeful for life, for one more drop of water before the last leaf drops to the ground
Still and naked, stripped bare, life snatched by winter. But is winter not death within life? Does it not hold the promise of renewed beauty and abundance, come spring?
Today came with such promise, as did yesterday, and with as much hope as will tomorrow. the last leaf will fall, and bare branches pleading for more will patiently wait...for their time, for another drop, for new life.
Friday, December 30, 2011
The desire of my heart ...?
The chilly air moves through the open window and it makes me want to move. It stirs me up inside and as I step outside I notice the bleeding sky, pink and white and blue….and as I look upward and notice nature’s canvas appear as if from nowhere, I notice how healing its beauty is, and how much I have needed to see beauty as of late. Captivated by it, my heart is alive with it and my thoughts start to flow and I wonder, today….I wonder about the desires of our hearts…
I know and have full confidence that God really does delight in giving us the desires of our hearts. But what if we don’t really know what those are? Is it possible that God gives us those desires even when we ourselves aren’t even able to identify them? Like the beautiful multicolor sky, does He give me things before I realize how soothing they are to me?
I wonder sometimes if part of this journey is recognizing that those things He gives us are, in fact, the things we ourselves want for our lives, desire in our hearts.
As humans we are well known for our self defeating, myopic ways and so I think maybe for some of us the fact is, that we get caught up and lost in the muck and mire of this life and are unable to see the proverbial forest for the trees. We may think that our desire is for a bigger house, or a nicer car, or an important title, only to realize once we achieve and obtain all that, we still have an unmet longing screaming louder and louder into our deaf, or at the very least confused, ears.
The grace of God is this most amazing living thing that continues to astound and surprise me in the most wonderful of ways. And so, I wonder if maybe, just maybe, since He knows me better than I know myself, He will give me what I most deeply desire, even when I really don't have e a clue what that is.
Could it be that this most gracious Father wants so badly to bless me that He gives me what I most deeply desire, before I ask? Could it be that all I truly need is to earnestly seek Him and His favor, and the result will be that He blesses me with the things I never knew I wanted?
I deeply hope so, because often I find myself so lost. I desperately pray so because I cannot trust my easily deceived heart to figure these things out.
I trust so because my Father loves me and my yearning is to honor Him, and He is ever faithful.
Friday, December 23, 2011
joy and grief
Bright sun in my eyes, crows over head lamenting, or is it laughing? The breeze moves across my skin and hair, and I am alive to this day, alive in Jesus, to what this life gives and to what it often harshly takes away.
My coffee is cold, but not my heart, even as I struggle to catch my breath, sorrow catching in my throat, my heart? No, my heart is warm...warm and full
"Who told us we'd be rescued?" the song goes, and it just keeps ringing in my ears, and inside of me, and "why should we be saved from nightmares?"
This is life, in its warmth there is cold, in its joy there is sorrow, in its pain there is love
And this is the gift...to hold warmth in the cold, to squeeze love out of pain, to let joy out of sorrow.
To hear birds and see sunrises, to sip warm coffee while swaddled in blankets in the crisp early morning.
To cry tears of sorrow that only true love can bring, to share in pain with those who mourn, because our hearts are full. To have unity across the distance, to have communion with those who are not here for us to hold.
Only a heart that is full can break
Only a cheek that's warm feels the fullness of the tears
Only life can bring both in
Like breathing in and breathing out, joy and sorrow dance in and out of life, in and out of hearts, and arms,and eyes, and ears...
To live is to suffer, to laugh and to cry, to give and to receive, to hurt and be hurt, at once to be both full and empty.
"Who told us we'd be rescued?" Life flows without safety nets, but our Savior falls and rises with us, His heart in our heart, His chest wet with our tears
His laugh hearty with ours, His joy immeasurable in us, His love full and strong, and everlasting.
My coffee is cold, but not my heart, even as I struggle to catch my breath, sorrow catching in my throat, my heart? No, my heart is warm...warm and full
"Who told us we'd be rescued?" the song goes, and it just keeps ringing in my ears, and inside of me, and "why should we be saved from nightmares?"
This is life, in its warmth there is cold, in its joy there is sorrow, in its pain there is love
And this is the gift...to hold warmth in the cold, to squeeze love out of pain, to let joy out of sorrow.
To hear birds and see sunrises, to sip warm coffee while swaddled in blankets in the crisp early morning.
To cry tears of sorrow that only true love can bring, to share in pain with those who mourn, because our hearts are full. To have unity across the distance, to have communion with those who are not here for us to hold.
Only a heart that is full can break
Only a cheek that's warm feels the fullness of the tears
Only life can bring both in
Like breathing in and breathing out, joy and sorrow dance in and out of life, in and out of hearts, and arms,and eyes, and ears...
To live is to suffer, to laugh and to cry, to give and to receive, to hurt and be hurt, at once to be both full and empty.
"Who told us we'd be rescued?" Life flows without safety nets, but our Savior falls and rises with us, His heart in our heart, His chest wet with our tears
His laugh hearty with ours, His joy immeasurable in us, His love full and strong, and everlasting.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Blast from the past....
Heard this song on the radio today after so many years, and felt like a rebellious teenager all over again...so much of its lyrics still rings true to me today.....
Alanis Morissette
Hand in my pocket
I'm broke but I'm happy, I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded, I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
I feel drunk but I'm sober, I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm restless, I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything is going to be quite alright
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette
What it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a peace sign
I'm free but I'm focused, I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly, baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing, I'm brave but I'm chickenshit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby
And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano
And what it all comes down to, my friends, yeah
Is that everything is just fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab
Alanis Morissette
Hand in my pocket
I'm broke but I'm happy, I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded, I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
I feel drunk but I'm sober, I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm restless, I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything is going to be quite alright
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette
What it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a peace sign
I'm free but I'm focused, I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly, baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing, I'm brave but I'm chickenshit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby
And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano
And what it all comes down to, my friends, yeah
Is that everything is just fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab
over and over and over...
Sometimes I wonder...am I really ever learning anything new?
Recently someone suggested that I not only write, but that I might consider actually reading my own words, once in a while.
While it was mostly a tongue in cheek comment, it did cause me to think about this, and I am realizing, maybe I am really just chewing on the same lessons, over and over, year after year. Am I really that hard headed? (please no comments on this particular question, it is rhetorical) ;-)
Is it really taking years, and countless lessons to get me to pay attention and learn the most basic things about myself, and about my relationship with others and God?
I read back and see a theme of self exploration and introspection and yet, I continue to miss the point, or at least, it sure feels that way. I search and search...I ponder, and wonder, I ask, I seek, and yet I am still lost, still aimless, still confused.
If there is something I have always been good at is searching, and asking questions. The answering however, doesn't ever seem to satisfy me. Whatever answers I ever come up with, are only temporary, and whatever "wisdom" I seem to acquire is fleeting and difficult to apply.
Could it be that what I am supposed to learn really does take all this time? Could it be that what God is showing me is something I am not ready to see just yet? Will I subject myself to many more unnecessary trials before it finally sinks in and real change can begin?
I know God can use ANYTHING in my life to show me His truth, but I worry that I may be so blind, deaf and hard-headed that I may miss it, and continue in the desert when He is calling me out to the Promise Land.
I guess all I can do for now is keep my eyes, ears and heart open and hope that my own fleshly, self indulging and myopic view won't obscure and eclipse my own growth. I really would love to not continue learning the same lesson over and over, 'cause after a while... it gets boring, you know?
Recently someone suggested that I not only write, but that I might consider actually reading my own words, once in a while.
While it was mostly a tongue in cheek comment, it did cause me to think about this, and I am realizing, maybe I am really just chewing on the same lessons, over and over, year after year. Am I really that hard headed? (please no comments on this particular question, it is rhetorical) ;-)
Is it really taking years, and countless lessons to get me to pay attention and learn the most basic things about myself, and about my relationship with others and God?
I read back and see a theme of self exploration and introspection and yet, I continue to miss the point, or at least, it sure feels that way. I search and search...I ponder, and wonder, I ask, I seek, and yet I am still lost, still aimless, still confused.
If there is something I have always been good at is searching, and asking questions. The answering however, doesn't ever seem to satisfy me. Whatever answers I ever come up with, are only temporary, and whatever "wisdom" I seem to acquire is fleeting and difficult to apply.
Could it be that what I am supposed to learn really does take all this time? Could it be that what God is showing me is something I am not ready to see just yet? Will I subject myself to many more unnecessary trials before it finally sinks in and real change can begin?
I know God can use ANYTHING in my life to show me His truth, but I worry that I may be so blind, deaf and hard-headed that I may miss it, and continue in the desert when He is calling me out to the Promise Land.
I guess all I can do for now is keep my eyes, ears and heart open and hope that my own fleshly, self indulging and myopic view won't obscure and eclipse my own growth. I really would love to not continue learning the same lesson over and over, 'cause after a while... it gets boring, you know?
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Musiiiiiiiic!!!!
Ok, first there is the absolutely addicting hooky tune, the ukelele sound, that just makes you want to get up and SHAKE IT, but the lyrics? LOVE!
I mean, how do you come up with the line: "Your lipstick stains on the front lobe of my left side brains"? or "the smell of you in every single dream I dream?"
I'm sorry, I'm just in love!...with the song :-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVpv8-5XWOI&feature=list_related&playnext=1&list=AVGxdCwVVULXcE8jOR7YoFQYLYbuNcVyAa
"Hey, Soul Sister"
Heeey heeeey heeeeey
Your lipstick stains on the front lobe of my left side brains
I knew I wouldn't forget you
And so I went and let you blow my mind
Your sweet moonbeam
The smell of you in every single dream I dream
I knew when we collided you're the one I have decided
Who's one of my kind
Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair you know
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
Heeey heeeey heeeey
Just in time, I'm so glad you have a one track mind like me
You gave my life direction
A game show love connection, we can't deny
I'm so obsessed
My heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest
I believe in you, like a virgin, you're Madonna
And I'm always gonna wanna blow your mind
Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair you know
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
The way you can cut a rug
Watching you is the only drug I need
So gangster, I'm so thug
You're the only one I'm dreaming of
You see I can be myself now finally
In fact there's nothing I can't be
I want the world to see you'll be with me
Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair you know
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
Heeey heeeey heeeeey (tonight)
Heeey heeeey heeeeey (tonight)
I mean, how do you come up with the line: "Your lipstick stains on the front lobe of my left side brains"? or "the smell of you in every single dream I dream?"
I'm sorry, I'm just in love!...with the song :-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVpv8-5XWOI&feature=list_related&playnext=1&list=AVGxdCwVVULXcE8jOR7YoFQYLYbuNcVyAa
"Hey, Soul Sister"
Heeey heeeey heeeeey
Your lipstick stains on the front lobe of my left side brains
I knew I wouldn't forget you
And so I went and let you blow my mind
Your sweet moonbeam
The smell of you in every single dream I dream
I knew when we collided you're the one I have decided
Who's one of my kind
Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair you know
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
Heeey heeeey heeeey
Just in time, I'm so glad you have a one track mind like me
You gave my life direction
A game show love connection, we can't deny
I'm so obsessed
My heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest
I believe in you, like a virgin, you're Madonna
And I'm always gonna wanna blow your mind
Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair you know
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
The way you can cut a rug
Watching you is the only drug I need
So gangster, I'm so thug
You're the only one I'm dreaming of
You see I can be myself now finally
In fact there's nothing I can't be
I want the world to see you'll be with me
Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair you know
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
Heeey heeeey heeeeey (tonight)
Heeey heeeey heeeeey (tonight)
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Big changes ahead
Well, I suppose an update is obligatory given the huge changes coming up in our lives..again
I sometimes think for someone on the outside looking in it must look a little bit like we are completely insane. You might be right!
After two very eventful years in Florida, it seems God is leading the way in a new direction. When we first moved here, we really felt good about it and like this was going to be home for a few long years. But it seems God had other ideas for us. I'm cool with that....I'd much rather follow Him :-)
There has been much good here...God did bless us with had happy and fulfilling times, lots of beach time, lots of wonderful sunshine, glorious sunsets, treasured friendships, and much more..but we have also had tragedy, loss, grief, pain, and hard, hard, hard work. In some ways I can say this year has been the hardest one I've had yet.
Although leaving Florida is in some ways bittersweet, it seems fitting, because it comes at a time when we need a rest. A rest from all the real hard work, from the heartache and pain we have endured, from all the growing God has demanded of us, and we are yearning and hoping for a place to call home, a place where we might be able to settle, for a longer while this time.
And so it is that we feel strongly that this next place is Raleigh, NC. For many practical reasons, at first glance. Such as, that is where our family company is headquartered (Global Wines Distribution), that is where we have family, it does not have 6 months of insane winter, nor does it have 6 months of almost unbearable summer (yes that's right, we DID get tired of the heat!) and other perfectly sensible reasons, and some other ones...less sensible, less "practical".
Such as the gut feeling I got when we went to visit Lakelan's prospective new school (Oak City Academy, a wonderful Christian Montessori school that is just starting this year), when we met with these wonderful and godly family who welcomed us in as if they had known us forever.
Or the feeling we got when we visited their home church....or the feeling I got when I saw on their bulletin that they need volunteers for their ESL ministry in downtown Raleigh (they had been PRAYING for native Spanish speakers they tell me!).
So much just makes sense about this, like being able to sit, chat, and sip wine, at the end of the day, with our family (brother in law, sister in law, mother and father in law) while our kids all play happily in the next room....like being able to all go into the actual office our company is run out of instead of sitting hundreds of miles away. Like having co-workers who are also neighbors, who I hope will become good friends.
Some of it doesn't have to make sense, it just feels right. It feels like the next chapter God is writing for us, and it feels like tiny crumbs along the way. It is so very gracious of Him, considering Raleigh would definitely not have been my first choice. And so I am willing, and I am going with an open heart. Open to what He may have in store for us next, for what He may lead us to.
Fall seems like the perfect time for such a transition, don't you think? Leaves are changing, the air is crisper (well not here in Florida quite yet!), and we are all kind of settling in for the coming Winter. Holidays, family time, warmth, cozy feelings, all good stuff. And I am really looking forward to it.
God has blessed us tremendously and He continues to do so. And as long as I have breadcrumbs, I will follow.
I will miss these glorious sunsets though!
I sometimes think for someone on the outside looking in it must look a little bit like we are completely insane. You might be right!
After two very eventful years in Florida, it seems God is leading the way in a new direction. When we first moved here, we really felt good about it and like this was going to be home for a few long years. But it seems God had other ideas for us. I'm cool with that....I'd much rather follow Him :-)
There has been much good here...God did bless us with had happy and fulfilling times, lots of beach time, lots of wonderful sunshine, glorious sunsets, treasured friendships, and much more..but we have also had tragedy, loss, grief, pain, and hard, hard, hard work. In some ways I can say this year has been the hardest one I've had yet.
Although leaving Florida is in some ways bittersweet, it seems fitting, because it comes at a time when we need a rest. A rest from all the real hard work, from the heartache and pain we have endured, from all the growing God has demanded of us, and we are yearning and hoping for a place to call home, a place where we might be able to settle, for a longer while this time.
And so it is that we feel strongly that this next place is Raleigh, NC. For many practical reasons, at first glance. Such as, that is where our family company is headquartered (Global Wines Distribution), that is where we have family, it does not have 6 months of insane winter, nor does it have 6 months of almost unbearable summer (yes that's right, we DID get tired of the heat!) and other perfectly sensible reasons, and some other ones...less sensible, less "practical".
Such as the gut feeling I got when we went to visit Lakelan's prospective new school (Oak City Academy, a wonderful Christian Montessori school that is just starting this year), when we met with these wonderful and godly family who welcomed us in as if they had known us forever.
Or the feeling we got when we visited their home church....or the feeling I got when I saw on their bulletin that they need volunteers for their ESL ministry in downtown Raleigh (they had been PRAYING for native Spanish speakers they tell me!).
So much just makes sense about this, like being able to sit, chat, and sip wine, at the end of the day, with our family (brother in law, sister in law, mother and father in law) while our kids all play happily in the next room....like being able to all go into the actual office our company is run out of instead of sitting hundreds of miles away. Like having co-workers who are also neighbors, who I hope will become good friends.
Some of it doesn't have to make sense, it just feels right. It feels like the next chapter God is writing for us, and it feels like tiny crumbs along the way. It is so very gracious of Him, considering Raleigh would definitely not have been my first choice. And so I am willing, and I am going with an open heart. Open to what He may have in store for us next, for what He may lead us to.
Fall seems like the perfect time for such a transition, don't you think? Leaves are changing, the air is crisper (well not here in Florida quite yet!), and we are all kind of settling in for the coming Winter. Holidays, family time, warmth, cozy feelings, all good stuff. And I am really looking forward to it.
God has blessed us tremendously and He continues to do so. And as long as I have breadcrumbs, I will follow.
I will miss these glorious sunsets though!
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Lazy :-D
I really wanted to put something on here today, it is a rainy day, and it seems like the perfect time to be writing. There is SO much to write about too! So much going on in my life right now, but...I'm feeling lazy and so...this instead :-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLexgOxsZu0&noredirect=1
I'll just strut in my birthday suit, and let everything hang lose, yeah yeah yeah yeaaaaaah
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLexgOxsZu0&noredirect=1
I'll just strut in my birthday suit, and let everything hang lose, yeah yeah yeah yeaaaaaah
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Time to share some fantastic music...
A couple of really excellent songs...One of them makes my heart physically ache, so pure and from the heart. The other one is utterly simple yet so strong, honest and sensuous, it moves me to both sing and dance at the same time.
John Mayer
The Heart Of Life
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2mJpQSkae8
I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears
And listen
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good
You know, it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then, circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good
John Mayer
Gravity
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7VBex8zbDRs
Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down
Oh I'll never know what makes this man
With all the love that his heart can stand
Dream of ways to throw it all away
Oh Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down
Oh twice as much ain't twice as good
And can't sustain like a one half could
It's wanting more
That's gonna send me to my knees
[repeat]
Oh gravity, stay the hell away from me
And gravity has taken better men than me (now how can that be?)
Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
C'mon keep me where the light is
C'mon keep me where the light is
Oh... where the light is!
John Mayer
The Heart Of Life
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2mJpQSkae8
I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears
And listen
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good
You know, it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then, circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good
John Mayer
Gravity
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7VBex8zbDRs
Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down
Oh I'll never know what makes this man
With all the love that his heart can stand
Dream of ways to throw it all away
Oh Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down
Oh twice as much ain't twice as good
And can't sustain like a one half could
It's wanting more
That's gonna send me to my knees
[repeat]
Oh gravity, stay the hell away from me
And gravity has taken better men than me (now how can that be?)
Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
C'mon keep me where the light is
C'mon keep me where the light is
Oh... where the light is!
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Greater is He that is in you...
"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."
Ephesians 6:12
These past few months have brought a real spiritual awakening. Following some tragedies in my family and some other unsettling events, there was much to be journeyed through and much to learn.
One truth that has been sinking in more and more has been the reality of the Spiritual battle we are all engaged in.
The verse above really does express exactly what I am trying to say: We fight against the spiritual forces of evil.
Never have I been more aware of the real presence of the enemy, or of God's power over him.
I think many times as Christians we may avoid this topic, it isn't the most popular. I think we do ourselves and the body a disservice in doing so. I myself considered not writing this post, because of the fact that it is a very unpopular topic, but I know there is power in reminding those around us, that we are HIS and we have HIS strength on our side.
I have been attacked mercilessly in the past few months, and I was allowing the enemy in, and he was winning. But God's strength is greater. God's faithfulness is far beyond any willpower I may have. All I did was cry out and He delivered me. And He did it in a way that let me know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it was HE who saved me, it was HE whose power overcame my struggle.
It is important to remember that as people who love Jesus and follow Him, we will be attacked. We will be vulnerable if we are light in this world. But more important to remember is that:
"you belong to God, my dear children...the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world." 1 John 4:4
Ephesians 6:12
These past few months have brought a real spiritual awakening. Following some tragedies in my family and some other unsettling events, there was much to be journeyed through and much to learn.
One truth that has been sinking in more and more has been the reality of the Spiritual battle we are all engaged in.
The verse above really does express exactly what I am trying to say: We fight against the spiritual forces of evil.
Never have I been more aware of the real presence of the enemy, or of God's power over him.
I think many times as Christians we may avoid this topic, it isn't the most popular. I think we do ourselves and the body a disservice in doing so. I myself considered not writing this post, because of the fact that it is a very unpopular topic, but I know there is power in reminding those around us, that we are HIS and we have HIS strength on our side.
I have been attacked mercilessly in the past few months, and I was allowing the enemy in, and he was winning. But God's strength is greater. God's faithfulness is far beyond any willpower I may have. All I did was cry out and He delivered me. And He did it in a way that let me know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it was HE who saved me, it was HE whose power overcame my struggle.
It is important to remember that as people who love Jesus and follow Him, we will be attacked. We will be vulnerable if we are light in this world. But more important to remember is that:
"you belong to God, my dear children...the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world." 1 John 4:4
My Life List
Some people have "bucket lists". I don't have one of those, but I do have a list in my mind of things I absolutely want to try at least once, in the next....5 years.
Some of these things may actually turn into more than just trying. Some of these things I may discover I truly love and continue them until my last day on earth.
Since I don't know which of these things will endure and which ones won't, I am very excited to begin and discover what I will truly love.
So here goes:
-take piano lessons (i have a sneaky feeling that this is a keeper, as long as I don't wimp out)
-photography
-take an art class (already enrolled in one...we'll see how that goes!)
-pick up dancing again, where I left off
-learn how to and plant a garden, so I can feed my family with REAL FOOD ;-)
-learn how to make Jam
-take a formal cooking class
-go on a Spiritual Retreat
Those are some of the things that have been floating around in my mind, and I find it helpful to write them down, lest I forget any!!
So here goes..next up is Drawing class. We'll see how I do...I have a feeling I will love it. :-)
Some of these things may actually turn into more than just trying. Some of these things I may discover I truly love and continue them until my last day on earth.
Since I don't know which of these things will endure and which ones won't, I am very excited to begin and discover what I will truly love.
So here goes:
-take piano lessons (i have a sneaky feeling that this is a keeper, as long as I don't wimp out)
-photography
-take an art class (already enrolled in one...we'll see how that goes!)
-pick up dancing again, where I left off
-learn how to and plant a garden, so I can feed my family with REAL FOOD ;-)
-learn how to make Jam
-take a formal cooking class
-go on a Spiritual Retreat
Those are some of the things that have been floating around in my mind, and I find it helpful to write them down, lest I forget any!!
So here goes..next up is Drawing class. We'll see how I do...I have a feeling I will love it. :-)
Growing up
Growing up can do a lot of good things for us, if done right.
I am noticing myself growing up these days. I notice that when I watch a movie for example, I identify more with the middle aged couple who is fighting for their love and life, rather than the cute young couple with their budding romance.
I notice that on the rare occasion that I am browsing for a magazine to bring home, I am more attracted to "More" magazine (geared to women over 50) than 90% of the magazines aimed at my demographic.
I am noticing that I am welcoming a more mature side of me that has been slowly creeping into my life. This side of me is strong, opinionated, but waaaaaaaaaaay more relaxed at the same time. Kind of an interesting paradox. This side of me knows more than it used to, but realizes how little it actually knows.
In these days and months of introspection and self discovery I have come to realize a few very liberating things about myself. I have discovered that it is ok to be different.
I have discovered that I have been judging myself all these years for not performing to the standard that is set for a woman my age, with my faith, with my skills, potential, etc...
I have discovered that God has made me this way and HE DOESN'T CARE about my performance, He cares about my heart. And so, I don't care either.
I am discovering the sweet freedom of my Father's Love based on the sole fact that He made me and knows me and deeply delights in me.
I am discovering to indulge a little in all the little things that interest me, even if it means never specializing in any of them. I am discovering to savor and taste each day's little delights without worrying that they may not "amount" to anything in the end.
I am learning to truly hold on to what I have always known. That in the end, what matters has nothing to do with those things we spend so much of our days consumed by. What really matters are the things we are always too busy to fit into our days.
Allow me to make a sample list of these things that until recently I have been too distracted to truly enjoy:
-a truly rib squeezing hug from my boy
-a sweet kiss from my man
-a "cheshire cat" grin from anyone I love
-a warm and inviting cup of coffee
-my dogs playing with my son (notice I didn't say it the other way around)
-a wonderful chat with a dear friend
-a good HOUR of inspiring and recharging Yoga
-a good and hearty chuckle
-the time to enjoy writing, just because I love to
-the time to enjoy reading, just because I love to
-the quiet and stillness
-the noise and excitement (usually when Lakelan is home)
-a wonderful glass of red wine
-watering my (NOT DEAD) plants
there are many more....I am not saying that I have not enjoyed those things. I am saying I have been so distracted by what has been running in the back of my mind that so much of the enjoyment was being sucked out, unbeknownst to me.
Only now that I am truly present, do I NOTICE the difference. My gosh, I have been sleep walking through life! NOW I am awake, and now I feel those things so much more...
they feel real, they feel like LIFE revealing itself to me.
Some moments even feel, divine, they feel as though God is reaching down into my life to hand me these wonderful little presents.
I re-read some of my own blog entries from 5 or 6 years ago and it seems as though I have been circling this very concept all this time. But it finally feels as though I have reached its core.
Not by anything I have done, but by simply letting go. I have found God's peace in simply abandoning whatever expectations or plans I had for myself. For what makes up a "worthy" life.
A worthy life is lived with love, through and for love. A worthy life is REAL and genuine.
It is all I can claim today. By God's and my standards, it is worthy, and I can keep on just the way I am.
Sweet freedom....thank you Jesus.
I am noticing myself growing up these days. I notice that when I watch a movie for example, I identify more with the middle aged couple who is fighting for their love and life, rather than the cute young couple with their budding romance.
I notice that on the rare occasion that I am browsing for a magazine to bring home, I am more attracted to "More" magazine (geared to women over 50) than 90% of the magazines aimed at my demographic.
I am noticing that I am welcoming a more mature side of me that has been slowly creeping into my life. This side of me is strong, opinionated, but waaaaaaaaaaay more relaxed at the same time. Kind of an interesting paradox. This side of me knows more than it used to, but realizes how little it actually knows.
In these days and months of introspection and self discovery I have come to realize a few very liberating things about myself. I have discovered that it is ok to be different.
I have discovered that I have been judging myself all these years for not performing to the standard that is set for a woman my age, with my faith, with my skills, potential, etc...
I have discovered that God has made me this way and HE DOESN'T CARE about my performance, He cares about my heart. And so, I don't care either.
I am discovering the sweet freedom of my Father's Love based on the sole fact that He made me and knows me and deeply delights in me.
I am discovering to indulge a little in all the little things that interest me, even if it means never specializing in any of them. I am discovering to savor and taste each day's little delights without worrying that they may not "amount" to anything in the end.
I am learning to truly hold on to what I have always known. That in the end, what matters has nothing to do with those things we spend so much of our days consumed by. What really matters are the things we are always too busy to fit into our days.
Allow me to make a sample list of these things that until recently I have been too distracted to truly enjoy:
-a truly rib squeezing hug from my boy
-a sweet kiss from my man
-a "cheshire cat" grin from anyone I love
-a warm and inviting cup of coffee
-my dogs playing with my son (notice I didn't say it the other way around)
-a wonderful chat with a dear friend
-a good HOUR of inspiring and recharging Yoga
-a good and hearty chuckle
-the time to enjoy writing, just because I love to
-the time to enjoy reading, just because I love to
-the quiet and stillness
-the noise and excitement (usually when Lakelan is home)
-a wonderful glass of red wine
-watering my (NOT DEAD) plants
there are many more....I am not saying that I have not enjoyed those things. I am saying I have been so distracted by what has been running in the back of my mind that so much of the enjoyment was being sucked out, unbeknownst to me.
Only now that I am truly present, do I NOTICE the difference. My gosh, I have been sleep walking through life! NOW I am awake, and now I feel those things so much more...
they feel real, they feel like LIFE revealing itself to me.
Some moments even feel, divine, they feel as though God is reaching down into my life to hand me these wonderful little presents.
I re-read some of my own blog entries from 5 or 6 years ago and it seems as though I have been circling this very concept all this time. But it finally feels as though I have reached its core.
Not by anything I have done, but by simply letting go. I have found God's peace in simply abandoning whatever expectations or plans I had for myself. For what makes up a "worthy" life.
A worthy life is lived with love, through and for love. A worthy life is REAL and genuine.
It is all I can claim today. By God's and my standards, it is worthy, and I can keep on just the way I am.
Sweet freedom....thank you Jesus.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
THANK YOU GOD!!!!
I have not really taken the time to share much about my sister on this blog, because I try to respect people's privacy.
Suffice it to say that she has had a REALLY rough journey this past year and I wanted so badly to be able to give her rest, and love and comfort.I was hoping that she would be able to come visit so she could have a Florida vacation with us but it was looking unlikely to say the least.
There was the finances, the fact that she needed passports for herself and her two children, and then the fact that she needed to apply for a tourist VISA to even be allowed to get access to the US.
All these things take time, preparation, money, and quite a bit of "luck"(not really like, more like..God's help). Well...time was NOT on our side, money was not on our side, the circumstances were just not looking good. But as it turns out, God wanted to bless us, and so, against all odds, she has passports, she was JUST approved for a VISA and she has tickets. SHE IS COMING!!!!
I am very much looking forward to loving on her, having her near, laughing together, crying together, doing life together with our families. I love her so much and I will treasure having her in my home.
Thank you God....THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Suffice it to say that she has had a REALLY rough journey this past year and I wanted so badly to be able to give her rest, and love and comfort.I was hoping that she would be able to come visit so she could have a Florida vacation with us but it was looking unlikely to say the least.
There was the finances, the fact that she needed passports for herself and her two children, and then the fact that she needed to apply for a tourist VISA to even be allowed to get access to the US.
All these things take time, preparation, money, and quite a bit of "luck"(not really like, more like..God's help). Well...time was NOT on our side, money was not on our side, the circumstances were just not looking good. But as it turns out, God wanted to bless us, and so, against all odds, she has passports, she was JUST approved for a VISA and she has tickets. SHE IS COMING!!!!
I am very much looking forward to loving on her, having her near, laughing together, crying together, doing life together with our families. I love her so much and I will treasure having her in my home.
Thank you God....THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Paradox
Well, I've done it again....I found a new favorite author, Parker Palmer.
The man has a real gift and way with words, but beyond that, I feel so identified with his way to view and live out his spirituality.
Reading his book "The Promise of Paradox" this weekend I found that this particular passage really summed up so much of what I experience in my own journey, and so I wanted to share. Interestingly, this passage is not even written by him, but instead it's a quote from Thomas Merton:
"I have had to accept the fact that my life is almost totally paradoxical. I have also had to learn gradually to get along without apologizing for the fact, even to myself. And perhaps this preface is an indication that I have not yet completely learned. No matter. It is in the paradox itself, the paradox which was and is still a source of insecurity, that I have come to find the greatest security. I have become convinced that the very contradictions in my life are in some way signs of God's mercy to me; if only because someone so complicated and so prone to confusion and self-defeat could hardly survive for long without special mercy."
He goes on and deeper into what this paradoxical living looks like, which I am finding more and more interesting. But this passage did a great job in my opinion at setting the stage. I think as Christians we have a hard time truly accepting our whole experience on earth, because so much of it isn't black and white and straight forward. We struggle because we want concrete, definite and defined lines and boundaries and neat little boxes where our theories and beliefs can fit.
But this spiritual life is full of paradox, and though we are saved by grace, our shadow side still exists. I want to learn to live within the paradox, rather than trying to deny or hide from it. In the paradox we find God's grace, and if we can accept it, we can be freed by it.
The man has a real gift and way with words, but beyond that, I feel so identified with his way to view and live out his spirituality.
Reading his book "The Promise of Paradox" this weekend I found that this particular passage really summed up so much of what I experience in my own journey, and so I wanted to share. Interestingly, this passage is not even written by him, but instead it's a quote from Thomas Merton:
"I have had to accept the fact that my life is almost totally paradoxical. I have also had to learn gradually to get along without apologizing for the fact, even to myself. And perhaps this preface is an indication that I have not yet completely learned. No matter. It is in the paradox itself, the paradox which was and is still a source of insecurity, that I have come to find the greatest security. I have become convinced that the very contradictions in my life are in some way signs of God's mercy to me; if only because someone so complicated and so prone to confusion and self-defeat could hardly survive for long without special mercy."
He goes on and deeper into what this paradoxical living looks like, which I am finding more and more interesting. But this passage did a great job in my opinion at setting the stage. I think as Christians we have a hard time truly accepting our whole experience on earth, because so much of it isn't black and white and straight forward. We struggle because we want concrete, definite and defined lines and boundaries and neat little boxes where our theories and beliefs can fit.
But this spiritual life is full of paradox, and though we are saved by grace, our shadow side still exists. I want to learn to live within the paradox, rather than trying to deny or hide from it. In the paradox we find God's grace, and if we can accept it, we can be freed by it.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Waiting...
Since I am not by any stretch a poet or songwriter, I find it useful sometimes to borrow the words of those who
craft words so wonderfully eloquently I just have to borrow them, because it is as if they are looking in my soul and writing about me.
Such is the case with this Colin Hay song:
Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
I'll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down down down, on me
And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in
But don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin
When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my old footsteps, once again
And you say, just be here now
Forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin
Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I’ll keep checking the horizon
And I'll check my machine, there's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, soon
It's just that times are lean
And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart, let the light shine in
Don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Looking for gold
A while back I posted about "self made prisons" and the things we tell ourselves out of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of challenges, fear of growing pains...
I have been reading a lot lately, and been doing even more introspecting than I was doing a couple of months ago (I could hardly believe that was possible!) and the theme keeps resounding in my head.
To live authentic lives, to be faithful to whom God has made us to be, to truly look inward to see what is the raw material one has to work with, seems like a no-brainer and the best course of action, but in my experience it is a tall order. Few of us deliberately choose to live lives that betray our innermost desires, few of us choose to live non authentically, yet in my experience so many of us do, for so many reasons.
It really can take many different shapes and it can look different for everyone, but I do sometimes wonder, how many of us are really living genuine, real lives, full of the wonder and passion that God instilled in us?
I asked myself this very question and through much scrutiny found I had constructed a life that looked good on the outside, that conformed to my values, and that seemed to "fit", yet I could not for the life of me figure out why I was feeling so restless and dissatisfied. I felt I "should' feel blessed and happy, I "should" be content, I felt unchristian for feeling dissatisfied instead. I felt ungrateful. So for a while I chose to be grateful and chose to ignore what my feelings were trying to tell me.
At a certain point I could no longer ignore it. So I got over the guilt feelings long enough to truly explore what might be causing my dissatisfaction. And I found all sorts of stuff in there!
God goes with me, I am not judged for feeling this way, in fact I was doing myself a disservice by NOT honoring myself and my feelings and take them as hints and allow myself the journey of self exploration that was required.
And that is what I am in the middle of. I rest on God's promise that He will be there and help me through. I hope for His wisdom and knowledge of me to guide me through the one He has made.
I pray for the strength to take action when necessary, to honor my desires and wishes and dreams. I refuse to live a well constructed life anymore, I choose to live a real life, that reflects who I am, and not who I believe I ought to be. The path is by no means a straight or easy one, but it is worth taking. I will stumble and fall many times, but as one of my new favorite authors (Sam Keen) says"where we stumble and fall, there we find the gold".
I pray for gold, even though it may take a big fall.
I have been reading a lot lately, and been doing even more introspecting than I was doing a couple of months ago (I could hardly believe that was possible!) and the theme keeps resounding in my head.
To live authentic lives, to be faithful to whom God has made us to be, to truly look inward to see what is the raw material one has to work with, seems like a no-brainer and the best course of action, but in my experience it is a tall order. Few of us deliberately choose to live lives that betray our innermost desires, few of us choose to live non authentically, yet in my experience so many of us do, for so many reasons.
It really can take many different shapes and it can look different for everyone, but I do sometimes wonder, how many of us are really living genuine, real lives, full of the wonder and passion that God instilled in us?
I asked myself this very question and through much scrutiny found I had constructed a life that looked good on the outside, that conformed to my values, and that seemed to "fit", yet I could not for the life of me figure out why I was feeling so restless and dissatisfied. I felt I "should' feel blessed and happy, I "should" be content, I felt unchristian for feeling dissatisfied instead. I felt ungrateful. So for a while I chose to be grateful and chose to ignore what my feelings were trying to tell me.
At a certain point I could no longer ignore it. So I got over the guilt feelings long enough to truly explore what might be causing my dissatisfaction. And I found all sorts of stuff in there!
God goes with me, I am not judged for feeling this way, in fact I was doing myself a disservice by NOT honoring myself and my feelings and take them as hints and allow myself the journey of self exploration that was required.
And that is what I am in the middle of. I rest on God's promise that He will be there and help me through. I hope for His wisdom and knowledge of me to guide me through the one He has made.
I pray for the strength to take action when necessary, to honor my desires and wishes and dreams. I refuse to live a well constructed life anymore, I choose to live a real life, that reflects who I am, and not who I believe I ought to be. The path is by no means a straight or easy one, but it is worth taking. I will stumble and fall many times, but as one of my new favorite authors (Sam Keen) says"where we stumble and fall, there we find the gold".
I pray for gold, even though it may take a big fall.
Sunday, March 06, 2011
"The Art of Loving" by Erich Fromm
"The basic need to fuse with another person so as to transcend the prison of one's separateness is closely related to another specifically human desire, that to know the "secret of man". While life in its merely biological aspects is a miracle and a secret, man in his human aspect is a miracle and a secret, man in his human aspects is an unfathomable secret to himself--and to his fellow man. We know ourselves, and yet even with all the efforts we may make, we do not know ourselves. We know our fellow man, and yet we do not know him, because we are not a thing, and our fellow man is not a thing. The further we reach into the depth of our being, or someone else's being, the more the goal of knowledge eludes us.Yet we cannot help desiring to penetrate into the secret of man's soul, into the innermost nucleus which is "he"."
Not sure I need to add anything to this brilliant passage, but I will....It is fascinating to me that although we can never truly and fully know, we cannot help desiring, and striving toward it. After all, what is life if not a compelling journey of self discovery and of discovery of those around us?
Not sure I need to add anything to this brilliant passage, but I will....It is fascinating to me that although we can never truly and fully know, we cannot help desiring, and striving toward it. After all, what is life if not a compelling journey of self discovery and of discovery of those around us?
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