Winter...

A snapshot of life, captured in a mere instant, and my heart flutters and hungrily seeks beauty, always

Branches stretch up toward the heavens, hopeful for life, for one more drop of water before the last leaf drops to the ground

Still and naked, stripped bare, life snatched by winter. But is winter not death within life? Does it not hold the promise of renewed beauty and abundance, come spring?

Today came with such promise, as did yesterday, and with as much hope as will tomorrow. the last leaf will fall, and bare branches pleading for more will patiently wait...for their time, for another drop, for new life.

The desire of my heart ...?

The chilly air moves through the open window and it makes me want to move. It stirs me up inside and as I step outside I notice the bleeding sky, pink and white and blue….and as I look upward and notice nature’s canvas appear as if from nowhere, I notice how healing its beauty is, and how much I have needed to see beauty as of late. Captivated by it, my heart is alive with it and my thoughts start to flow and I wonder, today….I wonder about the desires of our hearts…

I know and have full confidence that God really does delight in giving us the desires of our hearts. But what if we don’t really know what those are? Is it possible that God gives us those desires even when we ourselves aren’t even able to identify them? Like the beautiful multicolor sky, does He give me things before I realize how soothing they are to me?

I wonder sometimes if part of this journey is recognizing that those things He gives us are, in fact, the things we ourselves want for our lives, desire in our hearts.

As humans we are well known for our self defeating, myopic ways and so I think maybe for some of us the fact is, that we get caught up and lost in the muck and mire of this life and are unable to see the proverbial forest for the trees. We may think that our desire is for a bigger house, or a nicer car, or an important title, only to realize once we achieve and obtain all that, we still have an unmet longing screaming louder and louder into our deaf, or at the very least confused, ears.

The grace of God is this most amazing living thing that continues to astound and surprise me in the most wonderful of ways. And so, I wonder if maybe, just maybe, since He knows me better than I know myself, He will give me what I most deeply desire, even when I really don't have e a clue what that is.

Could it be that this most gracious Father wants so badly to bless me that He gives me what I most deeply desire, before I ask? Could it be that all I truly need is to earnestly seek Him and His favor, and the result will be that He blesses me with the things I never knew I wanted?

I deeply hope so, because often I find myself so lost. I desperately pray so because I cannot trust my easily deceived heart to figure these things out.

I trust so because my Father loves me and my yearning is to honor Him, and He is ever faithful.

joy and grief

Bright sun in my eyes, crows over head lamenting, or is it laughing? The breeze moves across my skin and hair, and I am alive to this day, alive in Jesus, to what this life gives and to what it often harshly takes away.

My coffee is cold, but not my heart, even as I struggle to catch my breath, sorrow catching in my throat, my heart? No, my heart is warm...warm and full

"Who told us we'd be rescued?" the song goes, and it just keeps ringing in my ears, and inside of me, and "why should we be saved from nightmares?"

This is life, in its warmth there is cold, in its joy there is sorrow, in its pain there is love
And this is the gift...to hold warmth in the cold, to squeeze love out of pain, to let joy out of sorrow.
To hear birds and see sunrises, to sip warm coffee while swaddled in blankets in the crisp early morning.
To cry tears of sorrow that only true love can bring, to share in pain with those who mourn, because our hearts are full. To have unity across the distance, to have communion with those who are not here for us to hold.

Only a heart that is full can break
Only a cheek that's warm feels the fullness of the tears
Only life can bring both in

Like breathing in and breathing out, joy and sorrow dance in and out of life, in and out of hearts, and arms,and eyes, and ears...

To live is to suffer, to laugh and to cry, to give and to receive, to hurt and be hurt, at once to be both full and empty.

"Who told us we'd be rescued?" Life flows without safety nets, but our Savior falls and rises with us, His heart in our heart, His chest wet with our tears
His laugh hearty with ours, His joy immeasurable in us, His love full and strong, and everlasting.

Blast from the past....

Heard this song on the radio today after so many years, and felt like a rebellious teenager all over again...so much of its lyrics still rings true to me today.....

Alanis Morissette
Hand in my pocket

I'm broke but I'm happy, I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded, I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five

I feel drunk but I'm sober, I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm restless, I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything is going to be quite alright
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette

What it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a peace sign

I'm free but I'm focused, I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly, baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing, I'm brave but I'm chickenshit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano

And what it all comes down to, my friends, yeah
Is that everything is just fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab

over and over and over...

Sometimes I wonder...am I really ever learning anything new?

Recently someone suggested that I not only write, but that I might consider actually reading my own words, once in a while.
While it was mostly a tongue in cheek comment, it did cause me to think about this, and I am realizing, maybe I am really just chewing on the same lessons, over and over, year after year. Am I really that hard headed? (please no comments on this particular question, it is rhetorical) ;-)

Is it really taking years, and countless lessons to get me to pay attention and learn the most basic things about myself, and about my relationship with others and God?

I read back and see a theme of self exploration and introspection and yet, I continue to miss the point, or at least, it sure feels that way. I search and search...I ponder, and wonder, I ask, I seek, and yet I am still lost, still aimless, still confused.
If there is something I have always been good at is searching, and asking questions. The answering however, doesn't ever seem to satisfy me. Whatever answers I ever come up with, are only temporary, and whatever "wisdom" I seem to acquire is fleeting and difficult to apply.

Could it be that what I am supposed to learn really does take all this time? Could it be that what God is showing me is something I am not ready to see just yet? Will I subject myself to many more unnecessary trials before it finally sinks in and real change can begin?

I know God can use ANYTHING in my life to show me His truth, but I worry that I may be so blind, deaf and hard-headed that I may miss it, and continue in the desert when He is calling me out to the Promise Land.

I guess all I can do for now is keep my eyes, ears and heart open and hope that my own fleshly, self indulging and myopic view won't obscure and eclipse my own growth. I really would love to not continue learning the same lesson over and over, 'cause after a while... it gets boring, you know?