I woke up this morning hung up on the thought that what was good about me was taken away when I was young, and I have spent my life covering up the gaping hole by “becoming” this “person” that I thought could….manage in the real world. And to my “credit” i managed somewhat for a short while, until it all started falling apart.
So I have been attempting to tear down the false masks, the carefully constructed persona, the idols of my heart that have sustained me, even while I struggled to really love Jesus. It’s a freakin’ mess. No other way to describe it.
I don’t mean to sound dramatic, but the painful realization this morning was:
“My father took what was beautiful about me and twisted into an ugliness I can’t seem to shake. If what I am is a twisted corrupted version of me, then I don’t even know what have I have to offer”
Now, maybe its just me but thats a pretty bleak way to start a Tuesday morning!
Then I checked my email and saw the "She Reads Truth” email. The wonderful She Reads Truth ladies are studying the book of Hosea, and I have to admit, most days when I see the email with the day’s passage and devotion, I skip over it. I’m too busy, and the maybe later…turns into never.
Aaah but today, today I read it. and wept.
Just yesterday I was doing my homework for theology class and reading about the Bible. The supernatural quality that makes it come alive again and again. The quality that makes it speak to a specific believer in specific ways. The way in which the Spirit uses each word in His perfectly appointed time, to instruct, correct, convict, and comfort.
My incessant and stubborn pursuit to make myself into something in spite of the ugliness I carry inside has defined my life. I has at times taken me away from God, it has caused me to choose sin and darkness, it has made me self-destructive. It has taken me down paths that have caused pain and darkness for those I love. It has only heaped more shame onto my already burdened heart. But God….in His infinite love and pursuit continues to tear down layers of shame and pain, and continues to lay down more bits of grace and beauty. Little by little.
This morning it felt as though overnight He was peeling away a layer, and making room for this morning’s grace. When I woke up i was disheartened, empty, tired. Nothing to offer…..kept ringing in my ears….
then I read Hosea chapter 2 from the She Reads Truth email that was sitting in my Inbox.
v 10 NO ONE WILL TAKE HER OUT OF MY HANDS
v14 Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her.
There i will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
There she will respond as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt.
19- I will betroth you to me forever
I will betroth you in righteousness and justice
in love and compassion
I will betroth you in faithfulness
and you will acknowledge the Lord.
I wept because My God, my Father, My Savior is RELENTLESS in His pursuit. I wept because my heart was overwhelmed with a love I have chased all my life but didn’t believe actually existed. I wept because my hard cover and walls are coming down and in my fear and uncertainty he bathes me with love, with beauty, with words that I didn’t even know I so longed to hear from the only One who can truly speak them and mean them. I wept because I desire to be made whole, and pure again, and He promises that He already has! I wept because I desperately want to belong to someone strong enough to HOLD ME….forever.
NO ONE WILL TAKE HER OUT OF MY HANDS.
Betrothed forever. Beloved. That’s it. That’s all I got.
For I am His, and He is mine.