Belong, part II

It amazes me that the months go by, the seasons change, and yet, here I am, posting about, essentially, the same thing I posted about months ago, in August.

Belonging, it seems is something I struggle with. The concept of feeling at ease and complete where I am, who I am with and what I do.
One thing that is becoming more and more clear is how strongly I feel about belonging with my family: my sweet husband and adorable son, and if only temporarily, my kind hearted step-daughter. That is not something I take for granted. The home and life we have created is what brings me the most joy and warmth, and it is what brings meaning and flavor to my life. If life were to never change, I am fully conscious that I have what most people dream of having, struggle to have,and grieve losing. Strong,lasting love, a place to call home, the warmth of those you dedicate your life to, the comfort of someone who knows you, perhaps better than you know yourself.

Having said all that, being the kind of person that I am, I can't escape the feeling of loneliness..the feeling of not quite being in the place where I "fit"...where I make sense. I feel as though I am wired to be a different kind of person than those around me, with different thoughts, desires, priorities...but then again,maybe it's all in my head. I dream of living a life filled with people, sharing life, filled with joy and laughter and shared grief, filled with those around me caring for me,loving me, and I them...but it does not seem to be the way it goes here, where I am today, it seems, life is more of an individual endeavor here, where i find myself, wondering, if there is something not quite right with me, that makes me need others more than I should...
I guess for now it is good enough to know I am blessed and have more than I would have ever dreamed. It is enough to take in what God has given me, and heed his direction.

Belong

I logged on today to post and realized, today is August 27th 2008...last time I posted anything was August 27 2007...yikes!

Well...a few updates are required...the "new addition" didn't work out, she chewed everything, dug holes in the backyard and had too many accidents, so we found her a new home :-). We're back to our smaller family, except now, Jessica has joined us! So we are minus one dog, plus one teenager :-)

The last year has been full of...life....life happening, with all that entails, good, bad, great.... we had one trip to Argentina in Jan/Feb and then I just recently went again alone (GASP!) for about 10 days...and as it happens almost every time after I go, I have been in a melancholic, reflective, introspective mood ever since coming back 2 days ago...trying to decipher why I always feel this way whenever I return, a bit sad, somewhat lonely, and just like something's missing...perhaps it's just what one feels when there really isn't any one place where one belongs...no one place that is home, no one place that contains everything dear and sweet to one's heart.

And it reminds me of Chris Rice's song "Belong".... whose message is basically... Father has prepared a place for you, Jesus leads you there, to the place where you belong...so I'm trying to let that truth sink in...I belong with my Father, I belong no matter where I may live on his earth...

My baby and I

Shameless Plug

For those of you following my husband's "blog book", you'll be glad to know that he finally posted a new chapter.
Hey, the man is meticulous! It took him a year to post this latest one, but hopefully the next one won't take as long!

So, go check it out, and see what you think :-)

I run, therefore I am...skinnier?

Many of you know I run. I consider myself a runner even though I still struggle to get up to my goal of logging 20 weekly miles, and even though to the naked eye my "running" looks more like jogging or bounce-walking.

I consider myself a runner mostly because I am dedicated. I started running back in 2002 and have been since with a few breaks in between, some due to injury some due to laziness and some due to pregnancy, fatness and overall out-of-shape-ness.
But I'm at it again, this time since April and it always surprises me how much I like it. It does so much for my self-esteem, for that closet athlete in me who loves the feeling of pushing my body to do things I could swear it could not do.

But beyond that, I just love getting out there. And I like the paradoxical feeling that is how something so simple can be so hard. HOw much it can hurt. Oh but it hurts so goooooood!

So I run, and I will probably continue to do so for the rest of my life, or at least as long as my body allows me to do so.
I ran 5 miles this morning with some friends and that just made my day much better than it would hvae otherwise been.
I run, therefore, I'm a runner. Or actually, I love to run, therefore I'm a runner.

Renzo Bertacchini

Renzo Bertacchini was 91. He passed away last week, alone, in an ICU bed. He was my grandpa. Mi abuelo. Il mio nonno.

I got the news from my sister, poor thing, she didn't know how to tell me, so she wrote me an email because she couldn't call me and say it out loud without sobbing. He was old and ill, so we knew his time was near, and yet the reality of the goodbye hit us hard all the same. We will miss him, with his heavy italian accent, his dry sense of humor, his cheek "pinches". I will miss him.

He made the BEST toasted bread slices (I know, it sounds weird, but in Argentina we don't actually use electric toasters, you have use SKILL!!!) for us when we were kids for our afternoon snack (la merienda, which is an official meal in Argentina).
He walked us to school and picked us up, he loved us in the only way he knew how, with his actions. Sometimes with his super tight hugs. For me the hardest thing has been not being able to be there to see him one last time, to hold his hand, so give him a kiss. To hold my brother and sister as they said goodbye. I was here, not there, and for that I will always be a little sad.

Chau nono. Nos vemos,un beso grande!
Tu nieta, la gordita, la Maria!

Little Children

"Whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me" said Jesus in Matthew 18:2, and I don't know why but that verse has stuck with me since first I read it.

I have always liked children, and most of the time they seem to like me. And when they like me, it warms my heart! When they smile and greet me, when they hug and kiss me, when they want to hang out with me, it's all a great gift to me.

I'll be honest, sometimes I'm not in the mood...sometimes I'm glad I only have ONE and want to keep my house as relatively quiet and simple as it can be with just the ONE kid. But sometimes I really just enjoy being with children. Today was such a time.
I went to visit my friends the Campbell's and as I came out of my car with Lakelan I heard some noise and looked up, only to see Ian, Alex and Kirstie at the door, yelling "they're here, they're here" in excitement and with big smiles on their faces.
HOW ADORABLE IS THAT?!! They were so excited that aunt Laura was coming to visit. Now THAT warms my heart. THAT puts a smile on my face. THAT is what Jesus was talking about, except, THEY were welcoming ME!!! They sure know how to make you feel special!

We spent time together, I sorted shapes with Kirstie (she guessed my favorite color!!!), made silly jokes to crack Ian up (how cool is it to make a child laugh??!!) watched Alex type to his dad(who was upstairs in his office when I arrived) "aunt Laura is here" and watched Julia eat with a fork (SHE's ADVANCED!!) and had MY little one playing with all the new toys(ones he's never seen before). It was fun. It was great. I thank God for our friends Greg and Jen Campbell, their hearts, their generosity of spirit, and their four adorable children, who for some reason, get excited when aunt Laura visits. :-)

Paul Robert

As most or all of you know, my husband is Paul Robert Jones. It may look weird for me to introduce him that way, full name and all, but the reason I'm doing that is because he was named after someone, someone quite special. His name was Paul Robert Parsons, and he was my husband's grandfather.

Paul Robert Parsons was better known as Bob, and he was a warm, loving, dedicated father, grandfather and all around family man. I had the honor and pleasure to meet him soon after Paul and I were married back in '99 and I was almost overwhelmed by his instant acceptance of me into his family, and his warm and kind demeanor. He always seemed to have a smile on his face.
He was a man a man of his word who knew what was right and never hesitated to do it, even when it included taking in his daughter and grandson when her husband left. He took the father role in Paul's life for the first couple of years until she remarried. And he remained in Paul's eyes and heart the only true father he'd ever had.

Bob died this past weekend of complications from a long battle with enfezema, and his namesake, his grandson, was there to hold his hand and pray for him as he did. What an honor that was for him, to gently hold and love him as he left this world. Although it was difficult and painful to watch his grandpa go, we were glad we made the trip to Cincinnati (where he lived) to see him one last time. We were glad to remember him with family and friends, and be there to honor his life.

The one thing that kept coming to me was the thought of legacy. The kind of legacy we leave behind when we go is more important than perhaps we realize. This was a man everyone loved, everyone loved to be around, that everyone felt comfortable around. This was a man who could be trusted, and a man who knew how to give of himself to others.
Already I can see where Paul gets his sense of responsibility and dependability. His respect towards others, and perhaps most notably, his love of music, for Bob was a phenomenal piano player who filled the home with melody and joy as he played daily for anyone who would want to listen, which was everyone, and who'd want to sing along.

My last thought is this and it goes to you Bob. I hope I leave a similar legacy when I go. One of love, warmth, trustworthiness, and dependability. I hope my child(ren) and his (or theirs whatever the case may be) children will remember me with the same warmth and affection that yours have for you. You inspired me, as you have many others, to be a better person.



Paul, Grandpa, Me, and Uncle Otto in 1999

A little something about my boy

Some of you out there know Lakelan, my 13 month old quite well, and some of you not so much, so I thought I would share some cool little facts about him. Now, as a mom I find these really cute and interesting so bear with me if you don't ;-)


-he uses the word "cookie" for lots of things including cookies, crackers, triscuits, animal crackers,cheerios and cheez-its
-his favorite book is "Pile of Puppies" the only book of his that has no words (except for each number that is written out)
-he loves to give kisses :-)
-he loves to ride Tutuca as a horse
-he loves to play "on" the dishwasher door when it's open
-he does NOT like the sound of my mixer (makes it hard to make bread)
-he loves the vacuum (the sound, the light, the actual movement of it)
-he really likes to feed Tutuca his food
-he has a strong passion for Tutuca's water bowl (no matter how much we scold him to him it's still worth a shot getting into)
-he absolutely LOOOOOVES his bath :-) and loves splashing so much, mama gets a shower too

oh and something about mom and dad....we're disgustingly in love with him :-)

Our Little Thanksgiving Bird

'Tis was thanksgiving morning and all was quite around the Jones home. Mama was feeding baby some breakfast and the dog was lazily laying in her bed, snoring. When suddenly, mama heard some strange noises coming from the woodburning stove pipe and the dog's ears perked up.

It sounded like little feet kicking or little paws scratching. Puzzled, mama thought "perhaps it's just something stuck there" and continued on with the breakfast feeding. But the noise continued, on and off, until she thought, perhaps this was a small animal, and it had to be rescued out of the pipe.

When papa came downstairs for breakfast she mentioned this to him, and he kind of shrugged it off "there is no way a bird could fit through that small opening in the chimney" but decided to open the flue just to make sure there was nothing in there.
He slowly turned the handle and sure enough, "swoosh" a little something fell right into the ashes. A small and frightened blackbird sat there as he looked into their puzzled eyes. Papa was incredulous as mama said "I thought it was a bird! Look at the poor little thing!"

It was not clear what the best way to proceed was, as they feared that upon opening the door to the stove the little one would just fly out into the house desperately seeking a way out. And that's exactly what happened, until the front door was opened and the little blackbird found his way out to freedom, on that sunny thanksgiving morning.

The greatest loss

Yesterday I was reading my friend Greg's blog (www.gregshead.net) about how his baby girl loves being noticed, and the perhaps innate need we humans have to be paid attention to by others. I commented that I certainly could relate, to having the need to be noticed, listened to, in general, to be loved, and I certainly agreed that children, even as babies, revel in being noticed by others.

Then today I was watching TV, again the show where the main character, a grown woman with her own child, lives in her mother's house after her divorce. As I said in my previous post "My Mom" many of the most entertaining and moving scenes happen when the mother and daughter are together. Today's episode was no different. The mother was talking about the children she gets to see in her profession, abused, battered, emotionally wounded, and as she remembers the "crazy" things she used to do for her daughter when she was growing up, she realizes, these abused children don't have that. They don't have someone to do crazy things for them, out of love for them, she sums it up like this:

"Perhaps their greatest loss is not having someone who will abandon common sense and dignity on their behalf."

I think that is so true! Children need to be noticed, certainly. They also need someone whose love is so overwhelming they will sometimes temporarily abandon common sense and dignity on their behalf. Perhaps when society labels them "weird" for being home schooled, or when their faith clashes with the culture we live in, or when the child for some reason is just "different". They need someone who won't mind being thought a fool to stand up for them, to be strong for them, to abandon "common sense and dignity" if only temporarily.

I didn't have that. My parents were definitely willing to abandon common sense and dignity, not on my behalf, but rather on their own behalf, no matter what that meant for us, their children. HOW VERY SAD.
Yet today I have a Father who notices me, and who went to crazy lengths to stand up for me, so I want to live in that overwhelming love. And I want my son to have someone who will teach him about that love, and put aside their own gain and reputation for his sake.
Out of pure love for him.
And I want that someone to be me.

My little gift from God--part II

Not too long ago I wrote a post about my bundle of joy TO my bundle of joy, to document the feelings and thoughts I have as we go about our days together, and I just think it is something I will continue to do probably for a long time.

See, the thing is, as any mother out there can probably attest to, we learn so much everyday from our little ones.

I have learned how much MORE patient I can be (at least more than I used to be :-)) I have learned how much love my heart can feel without exploding, I have learned how grateful I can be even when everything else around me seems to be falling apart, because I am looking at this awesome gift God has given to me in my son.

Even as God stretches me and teaches me through the challenging times we have, he also stretches my heart to its fullest capacity, when He shows me just how blessed I am to have this amazing little boy in my life, to teach and to learn from, to love and to be loved by, to laugh with, to kiss, to hold, to comfort.

It is no secret that motherhood and parenting can be difficult, challenging and downright maddening, but I just want to spend as much time as possible thinking about and dwelling on how rewarding, heart-filling and life-giving it can be.

I just hope I can think about this tonight as I drag my tired self into my baby's room and as I comfort him and help him back to sleep. :-)

My God

I like to have music on whenever I drive anywhere, and Lakelan must have inherited it from me because he is usually very happy in the car, as long as there is music playing. :-)

Lately I have been listening to my Matthew Ward cd's and one of my favorite songs from his albums is called "I will worship you".
I love it because it is a series of attributes about God, and it is sung so honestly, so passionately, that as simple as the words are, they express a direct declaration of the greatness of the God I worship and the love I feel for him.

I love singing along to this song because I can't help but feel this immense closeness to my God and Father, and it just seems to put everything in perspective. If I most need grace at that moment, "My God is mercy" if I have huge problems that I have no solutions for "My God is power", if I need direction in my life, "My God is wisdom".

And the one that has the most impact to me is "His name is LOVE...His heart is tender". He loves me and he has a tender heart towards me. That just puts a smile on my face and warms my heart.

Thank you Father, for your unfailing love toward me.

Lakelan's slideshow-Fotos de Lakelan

A good friend of mine,Greg :-) has graciously offered to use his web designer privileges to host a couple of short slideshows of Lakelan for all our family and friends that are far away, so...here it is!!!!
All you have to do is click on the link below and it will take you to the "movie" :-) Enjoy!

For those of you without Quicktime, here's a link to download :-) http://www.apple.com/quicktime/download/

Para mis familiares y amigos de habla hispana, aca va: un amigo mio me ofrecio poner un par de pequenas peliculitas de Lakelan (con musica y todo!! que nivel che!) en su pagina de internet, asi las pueden ver.
Para los que no tienen el programa Quicktime, pueden bajarlo de internet en http://www.apple.com/quicktime/download/
Espero que les guste!



Lakelan's Slideshow (1-Minute Version)

See the FULL-LENGTH Lakelan Slideshow!

Some fun with the girls :-)

Last night Jessica, Kelly and I had some phone with Photo Booth.
Check us out!

Pictures

I'm Mother Teresa

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

My Mom

Recently I was watching re-runs of an old TV show where the main character, a grown woman with her own child, lives in her mother's house after her divorce. Many of the most entertaining and moving scenes happen when the mother and daughter are together. I watch this grown woman, a mother herself, engage in this life enriching relationship with her mother, who is loving, wise if a bit stubborn and bossy, and something is stirred inside me. I miss my mom.

There are probably MANY adults out there who live far away from their mothers who feel this way, but I'm different. You see, I miss the mom I never had. As I have mentioned in earlier posts, my parents were not the way God intended parents to be. There was abuse, there was lack limits, lack of love, true, sacrificial love, the kind a parent is SUPPOSED to have for their children. Not the self-seeking love based on the parents' own needs and insecurities.

My mother grew up in some ways abused as well, and it is my opinion that her emotional growth was stunted at an early age, and that is probably why when she married and had her own children, she wasn't quite able to really LOVE someone, unless that someone in some way performed a specific role in her life, be it make her feel important, or capable, or cared for, etc.
Most her relationships were based on what SHE needed, and her relationship with her children was no different.

I remember that as young children, my siblings and I had a nanny and didn't see my mother much, and then later in life when she was not working ad much she was around, but not really available. The TV was her vest friend, and we mattered only to the extent that we were not distracting her, annoying her, or not doing as well in school as she thought we ought to. (One of the phrases that sticks out in my mind was "You got an A minus? Why not an A?" it seemed I could never do well enough).

I remember days when she would be home when she was supposed to be working, and my first feeling was on of joy. I wanted her around, I wanted to be with her, and yet, the reality of being with her never failed to disappoint me. Each time I would hope and dream of the time we would spend together and invariably the TV would trump me, she'd find something to pick on me about, she'd find a flaw, and ruin my every wish of having a mom who just loved me.

I remember craving her touch. She would sometimes, although rarely, stroke my hair, in the loving, gentle way a mother does, and for those moments her neglect, rudeness, lack of care for me would disappear and I wanted nothing more than for her to stroke my hair until I fell asleep and dreamed of a place where she was always there for me, loving me, caring about me, wanting to talk to me, and do life with me. I miss her. But I have always missed her. She has never been the mom I needed. She failed to protect me and my siblings, she was too busy thinking about herself and her needs. She failed to love me, she failed to be there when I needed her. So I miss her still, and suspect I always will.

And now, I am a mom, and I can think of nothing I'd rather do than to love on my baby boy, hold him, kiss him, stroke his hair. Let him know that no matter what I will be there for him. I will want to do life with him, I will protect him, and although I am human and will fail and one day die, I will point him to the Father who will never fail him, never die and always be there.

My little gift from God

I decided I really want to document as much as possible the little things that take my breath away as I do life at home with my precious baby, Lakelan.

I won't be able to write down everything, but I do want to record a few things now while they are fresh in my mind, so that one day he and I and dad can look at it and reminisce about these amazing times, when he was just a little baby :-).

And some of those things, I would like to share with the blogging community, so here goes (these are directed AT Lakelan):

_ You are such a character! you are very goofy and make me laugh on a daily basis. Your funny grunt is definitely your trademark!
- I love how you make your desires known. There is very little to figure out, once you want something, you do your very best to communicate that to us, an although it can sometimes be frustrating, I love to see your personality and determination!
-I love how you play with me :-) you pull my hair, bite my chin, and generally treat me as one of your toys, and although it sometimes hurts, I love how you love me!
-I love our quiet times, when you're sleepy and we cuddle, when you nurse and look at me, when you JUST don't want anything but your mama :-)
- I love being your mom, I love that you are my baby. I love you Lakelan :-)

Pictures, pictures and more pictures :-)

VAMOS ARGENTINA!

This post is pretty much for about 3 people. The people I know who actually KNOW that the soccer World Cup is currently going on and that I AM VERY passionate about it.

I have rooted for my country (Argentina) ever since I can remember. I distinctly remember celebrating with family, friends and even strangers our world cup victory in 1986, and I was only 7 years old :-).

Every world cup after that (1990, 1994,1998, 2002 and now) I have been a foreigner. A foreigner rooting for a team nobody really cares about in the place where I live. That's because for world cups '90, '94 and '98 I was living in Italy and for the last two I have been in the U.S. where not only do people not care about MY country, they mostly don't even know about the world cup!!

There's a very strange feeling you get when you are in a country that is not your own, and you are rooting for your team.
It truly transcends soccer, it goes beyond that. You root for your country, your heritage, your neighbors, your family, everything that is familiar, everything you hold dear about the place, everything you remember about it from when you were a child.

Although I have called the U.S. my home for about 7 years, Argentina IS where I am from, where I am connected to a part of me that over the years just seems to get stronger. No matter how many years I live abroad, I will always shout out "VAMOS ARGENTINA!!" for every World Cup just as I did when I was 7 years old :-).



NOTE: Yes, the 2nd team I root for is the U.S. even though soccer is SO not the sport of choice here! :-)

More Pictures :-)

7 things

I wish people had told me about parenting a baby :-)

1) Your concept of a "good night's sleep" will change drastically

What I was told was "get your sleep now...because in a few months, blah blah blah" or "once you have the baby, say goodbye to sleeping in" what I wish they had told me is something like this : "what you think of as sleeping in will change from 10am to about 7 am" or "you will think you've had a good night's sleep when you've only gotten up once and spent a half hour to 45 minutes diapering, feeding and getting your baby back to sleep" or "the first time you sleep all the way to 6 or 7 am you'll feel like you have been to a full service spa during the night"

2) Your baby won't be as cute as you think

Well...he is. But what I mean is, there is NO way everyone sees my baby as I do. Because it is simply not possible that he is THE SINGLE MOST beautifull baby in the world, now is it? ;-)

3) Your concept of "date night" will change drastically

People would tell me (while pregnant) how important it will be to make time for "dates" with my husband. The concept of a "date night" back then for me would have included dinner, a movie, some wine, candle light, staying up late, etc.
Now, a date night involves decisions such as "should I bring the breast pump?" and goes something like this : baby sitter (close friend) comes over, I feed baby one last time, we hurry out, go to a movie, think about baby the whole time while trying to still catch what the movie is about, rush home feeling as though I haven't seen my baby for hours on end, are happier than when I left when I get back :-)

4) Everything you think is important now, won't be as important once baby comes

i.e. clean laundry, showers, vacuuming, dinner cooking, dog walking, tv shows, and on and on....

5)You will have a blast!

It's true, I have a ball hanging out with my baby! He's a character :-)

6) You will be obsessed with strange things...

the list goes something like this:
-am I making enough milk?
-is he eating enough?
-has he had enough wet and poopy diapers today?
-has he napped enough today?
-will he be too hot/too cold while he's sleeping?
-does he have gas?

7) and amazed by the smallest of accomplishments:

- oh wow, he SMILED AT ME!!!
- Look honey, he can GRAB a toy!
- STOP everything you're doing, HE ROLLED OVER! :-)

I'm sure as time goes on I'll think of more and continue my list, but for now, this one goes out to all parents but especially moms! Happy Mother's Day everyone!!!

Some Pictures of my GORGEOUS baby boy

I'm still here!

I am afraid two things will start happening to my blog:

1) I will talk mainly and maybe only about my beautiful baby boy Lakelan :-)
2) I will blog less and less frequently as I spend more and more time enjoying my beautiful son Lakelan :-)

But that's ok, life's for living, and if you have a couple of minutes to blog about it, then that's a bonus!
This blog is more or less a reminder for myself. A way of putting down into words what I feel NOW, so that I won't forget later.

Being a mom has by far been (so far) the most challenging, stretching, beautiful, rewarding thing I have ever done. But I can't help but feel that it isn't really something I do. It truly is a big part of who I am. It isn't ALL I am but right now it sure feels like it takes up much of my personhood, and I like it :-)

I'm realizing that being a mom truly is a change in who I am, what I'm about, what my priorities are, what catches my attention, what I value most, what matters to me.

It goes beyond my little bundle of joy, it stretches out into the world and I'm noticing others more. Other mothers, fathers, children and families. I'm feeling them on a different level, as though a new part of my heart has been opened.
I have always been one to value relationships more than anything. People before tasks, friends before "duties", family before money and jobs, etc. But now, it seems I'm taking it to the extreme :-) I think I see things clearly, maybe (dare I say it?) closer to how God sees them? I see the people, the hearts, the desires, the dreams, the pain, and I don't look so much at the stuff, the jobs, the tasks, the responsibilities. I know I know...those are all important too, I just..see them from a different angle now :-) and I like it.

This Incredible thing called Motherhood

WOW--Ok, this time I have a very good reason for not blogging for so long! I have a 3 week old baby :-)

What an amazing time this has been! Everything from the day it all started,(January 18th early morning)to the actual delivery, meeting my beautiful boy, sharing this awesome experience with close friends and with Paul, to coming home and learning to care for this precious little miracle..it has ALL been WAY more than I could have ever expected or imagined. People do tell you that it is something that you can't quite describe and well, it's TRUE! there are NO words. If there was ever a time when I have truly experienced God, his love, his goodness, his faithfulness, and his awesome power, this was it. The amazing experience of having a brand new perfect little life come from my body and into the world has forever changed me.
The gift God has given me in Lakelan is more than I will ever be able to put into words and more than I will ever be able to repay, just as anything that comes from our Father is!!

Obviously I don't have much time to blog these days so this is a short one, it is simply what I've been thinking since my little man was born. I'm in awe, I'm ecstatic, exhausted, and happier than I ever remember being!! Sharing this amazing new part of my life with Paul has also been unexpectedly rewarding and just, amazing. Again, too much for words. Thankful doesn't even begin to describe how I feel towards my faithful Father. That I would be privileged to receive such a blessing is almost more than my heart can take.

Now, I have to end this blog because I want to go be with and enjoy my little miracle, my baby, my boy :-)

Lakelan Matias Jones

Here's the little man! He arrived on 01-19-06 at 2:31, weighed 8lbs 5oz and is 21 inches and he's GORGEOUS! :-)

Surrender

Recently I had to (and still am) deal with some major unpleasant family stuff.
(by family I mean the one I grew up with,my immediate family).

I won't get into details, mostly because, they're unpleasant to say the least, but what I've come away with from it all so far is, surrendering to God, and his love, sometimes is really all you have left. Not that that isn't enough in and of itself, I just mean, sometimes you REALLY have no other options.

Most of us know about God's love for us, and we know He is really all we need, but we still do hang on to our relationships, our posessions, careers, whatever makes us feel good. Well, what I have recently been going through has left me in a place where all I can really do is cling to God, my Father, and his love.
Because the hurt, the pain, the holes left in my heart can only be healed and filled by him. The only one who knows the pain I feel is him.

In the face of such pain and powerlesness there's great comfort in knowing that at least HE KNOWS what I suffered and still suffer;he knows what I lacked as a child and what I need now. So all I need to do, is surrender. Surrender to the notion that what happened can't be changed, and surrender to the notion that what I needed as a child, I didn't get. But most importantly, surrender to the notion that the love I need now comes from my gracious heavenly Father.

When is baby coming--PART II

This is a picture of baby Jones and his cute little pout :-)

In my last post I forgot to mention that Paul and I have not so far come up with a name we both agree on, so if along with your prediction you'd like to offer up any name suggestions, we'd appreciate that! :-)

When is baby coming?

This is Baby Jones at 34 weeks with his hand in front of his face :-)

Ok...I am currently 34 weeks pregnant and I thought it would be fun to have a poll and see what everyone thinks about when the baby is coming.

So, go ahead and post a comment indicating:

-when you will think baby will come (due date is Jan 23 2006)
-how much baby will weigh
-we were pretty much told at our latest ultrasound that it IS indeed a boy, but feel free to disagree :-)

I'll post the winner shortly after the birth :-)or maybe not so shortly..depends on how much sleep I'm getting!

This Incredible Thing Called Pregnancy

I am currently 29 weeks pregnant, and it's starting to get really, really fun.
I know, some of you ladies with children think maybe I am writing as a result of a fresh batch of pregnancy hormones causing temporary euphoria or something!

It sure makes me tired, and achy, but overall, the feeling of carrying this tiny little miracle inside me just fills me with giggly joy. And the thought that in a few weeks (not NEARLY soon enough!)I will be holding this baby in my arms and looking into his eyes (disclaimer: yes, ultrasound technicians do make mistakes, so it could be a girl, but I refuse to call my baby IT!) fills me with more excitement than I can stand!

I can now distinguish certain body parts, such as his bottom, and even his tiny little foot! I love to poke him and make him move, almost as though we're playing a game :-)

It is miraculously incomprehensible how in love I can be with this little person that God is making inside me, and to think it will actually get better when he's here, is just more than my brain can grasp. But that's ok, it won't be a "brain thing", it will be a "heart" thing. I just Can't wait!

Change of Heart

I shouldn't be surprised. After all, I know my Father well. Perhaps not as well as I could, or as well as I'd want to, but I have come to know his love, his grace, his patience.

So when I asked him to change my heart so that I can let go of my bitterness, and He did, I shouldn't have been surprised!
I guess I'm not really surprised, just...pleasantly aware of his love for me and his will.

His will is that my heart be filled with his spirit and his love. Not my fleshly desires and emotions. His will is that I give of that love to those around me.

So when not only did he softened my heart, but softened the heart of someone I had inadvertently hurt with my bitterness and brought love back into our relationship, it is as though he was saying that he can't get enough of those prayers, because he loves to answer them. He wants nothing more than for me to be his child, and come to him when I'm at the end of myself, and ask for my heart to be more like his.

I love to do it. To recognize that I need him and ask. And then watch him work, feel him work in me, and those around me.

But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth, Such wisdom does not come down from heaven but is earthyl, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambitio, there you find disorder and every evil practice.
But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure:then peace-loving, considerate, submissive,full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.

James 3:14-17

Kindness

This past weekend at Crosswinds, the message Jack gave was about relationships.
As he listed some of the qualities that according to Paul (in the book of Colossians)we ought to display in our relationships, one of them stuck out : Kindness.

I don't think I have ever had any particular trouble extending kindness in my life. In fact most of the time I consider myself a pretty kind person and I have been told by others that I am.
But not this past Sunday. As I thought about kindness and compassion, another quality came up that goes hand in hand with these, and that is PATIENCE. I have alluded in the past to the fact that PATIENCE is NOT one of the qualities I naturally posses, and so, I realized that though I can be kind most of the time, when I'm running low on patience, the kindness kind of goes out the window. :-(

That seems to have been happening more than I care to admit recently. I could chalk it up to pregnancy hormones but that seems like a cop-out. Truth is, I have been less patient and that has caused me to harbor unkind thoughts and feelings towards others, to the point of embitterment. What I didnt realize is that although I was trying my darnest to hide it all, it was coming out in my behavior and attitude.

And so I discovered that for a long time now, I have been trying harder to BE kind, APPEAR kind, DISPLAY kindnesss than I have been trying to honestly change my heart, ask God for patience, and wait on Him to do His work. That produced hollow, empty, meaningless kindness, not true kindness at all. I hate that realization because I do not like "fake" people, and yet, to some extent in certain situations, I was being fakely kind for the sake of appearance. YUCK. I hate that!

So this morning as I go about my tasks, and I examine the thoughs in my head and words out of my mouth, I realize that my heart is bitter, and I don't like it. So I ask my Father to cleanse my heart, and fill it with love, patience and kindness to give.
TRUE kindness, the same kindness He gives to me even when I fail and disappoint Him.


"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."

Col 3:12-14

Argentina

Cordoba Cañada



Córdoba de Noche

Argentina, mi País

From time to time I feel this void in my heart...It comes from having been a wanderer most of my life, never feeling like I am at home in any one given place.

I was born in Cordoba, Argentina, a relatively big city by South AMerican standards and for 11 years, that was home. Then my father decided he would give Europe a try, since he had relatives in Italy, and after living there for 2 years by himself, he sent money for us to move there as well. Italy then became home for 7 years, but it never felt that way. We all felt as though a chunk of us was still in Cordoba, like a chunk of our hearts had been left behind.

We did go back to Argentina, but for me, having left at 11 and come back at 18, nothing was the same. Nowhere felt like home. Italy wasn't it, Argentina didn't quite cut it, I was homeless.

I'll spare you the details, but after trying different things, I ended up in the States, and decided this was where I felt I could start anew. And shortly there after I truly felt, this is where God had intended for me to be, and make my home. And for the most part it has been home now for about 7 years.

Since living here though, I have been back to Argentina, my first home.
And somehow going back as an adult, made a difference. Going back and bringing my american husband and showing him around, the places where I grew up, helped me to really appreciate MY HOME. To truly see what makes ME a girl from Argentina.

There are things about Argentina that are un-explainable. They are what I feel when I hear someone speak my language (not just spanish, but ARGENTINA spanish), what I feel when I hear a tango, what I feel when I go back to visit, get off the plane and a wave of familiarity and warmth invade my heart. I can't explain to you why Argentina will always be my home, or why it is such a special place with a truly special culture and people, I can't explain why a piece of me will always be there even while I've made my home here in the States.

Córdoba es mi ciudad, Argentina mi País, soy argentina, y siempre lo seré.

The Miracle of Life

Recently I have been pondering on the amazing miracle that a new life is. A new embryo conceived inside the mother's womb who slowly grows to become a fully formed baby with all the organs it will need, hands, feet, eyes, nose...who will then be born,and have his own eye and hair color, personality, IQ, relationship with God etc... It's all incomprehensibly wondrous

Even more recently God has given me a snap-shot of that very awesome phenomenon to observe: My dog had puppies. Out of her came 5 fully formed beautiful little baby dogs with eyes, paws,tales, and squeaky little voices. And she knew that she was their mom, knew that she was supposed to feed them, lick them and keep the safe and warm. What an awesome thing. To see God's supreme creation at work. Mother's instincts, babies being born, eating,growing. He gave me a wonderful chance to see His handiwork right in my own home, a chance to feel the love I have for my dog be extended to her babies, to feel the warmth that comes from seeing a family. That is what they are, altogether, in their big wooden box, a big, happy family.
How awesome.

Nobody knows me like my baby

I was watching TV this morning and during a romantic and sad scene a song was playing in the background that went something like this:

"I like cream in my coffee, but nobody knows me like my baby
I like my eggs over easy, and those flour tortillas
but nobody knows me like my baby"

As the soft and melodic sound of the guitar accompanied those words I felt blessed that I could say the same thing. Nobody knows me like my baby.
The one who knows me better than anyone else.
Of course in this case my baby being my husband, not my litteral baby (the one inside me) :-)

I like how the songwriter (have no idea who he is)uses such trivial and mundaine concepts such as what he likes for breakfast to illustrate his point.
We all not only want to be loved but known,and loved in spite of that. In spite of our quirks and annoying habits, in spite of our imperfections and shortcomings. We want to be known inside and out, and loved nonetheless.

Of course the most obvious and powerful way this is demonstrated is in the love of our Father for us. He makes us, with all our qualities, characteristics and idiosyncrasies and then LOVES us, no limits, no conditions. Just love.

And then there's the people He provides in our lives to show us, hopefully, a similar kind of love. In my case, I couldn't help but feel incredibly blessed that He has provided for me someone who knows me so well, and who loves me nonetheless. In spite of my weird habits and annoying quirks, or maybe even because of them. Someone whom I know and love as well, in spite of his quirks and habits.

And as I made that conclusion I realized, that as tough as marriage can be sometimes, His design is perfect, because if we take the time to know and accept our loved ones (in this case, our spouses) we will find a friendship that has no equal, a closeness that mirrors the Father's love for us, a unity that can withstand life on this imperfect, broken planet.

Nobody knows me like my Father. And nobody on earth knows me like my baby, my husband, my friend.

It's a Boy! (or so we think)

Well...I have been missing from the blogosphere for a while I must admit, but now, I'm ready to post some big news. Of course, most of the people who read my blog already know. :-)

Paul and I are expecting our first baby together! I am currently approximately 18 weeks and a couple days and we've just had our ultrasound during which we discovered, much to Paul's SHOCK and surprise that it has what appears to be "boy equipment" :-) Of course, you can't see that in the picture I posted :-).

The little one seems to love to move and I have been enjoying the experience of feeling him(yes, even though there's a slight chance that the "boy prediction" could be wrong, I'll be referring to the baby as HIM)for a few weeks now. It's such a cool feeling!! This whole pregnancy has been an incredible journey for me personally, being that it is my first one, I have noticed every little change and have been enjoying everything that being pregnant means, with the possible exception of the oh-so-dreaded weight gain ;-)

It is incredible to me that God has blessed me in this way, although it shouldn't be, He has always been good, but it is such an incredible journey. As I watched that little baby moving around during the ultrasound, and as I saw his little hands and feet, toes and fingers, heart beating and all, it hit me: I HAVE A FULLY FORMED BABY INSIDE ME! That's incredible! And awesome...and I thank God for it and pray that this little one will continue to grow and thrive inside me :-)as I also continue to grow!

Go light your world

Once in a while, songs pop into my head for no apparent reason.

I haven't heard them recently, nobody was whistling their tune around me, they just...volunteer themselves to fill my head at the strangest moments, like at 3 in the morning when I am inexplicably awake. Last night it was Chris Rice's song's chorus "Take your candle, go light your world".

I can't think of any of the verses in the song, all that keeps ringing in my ears is "Take your candle, go light your world".
Whenever one of these songs gets in my head and refuses to leave for hours at a time and I cannot locate the root of such intrusion, I think about God.

Are you trying to tell me something Lord? Someone once told me that sometimes when you're up at night and can't seem to go back to sleep, it could be because God is trying to reach you, and the middle of the night, when all is quiet around you and you're not distracted by your world is the ideal time to catch you off guard, and so, in He comes into your night, disturbing your sleep, but definitely catching your attention if you don't get sidetracked by the frustration of just trying to get some sleep.

So last night I started thinking as the song played in my head..."take my candle?"my candle"...what is my candle? I think Chris Rice is singing about our candle as christians but also our individual gifts. We each have the gospel which is our candle, but then, we have different gifts and are equipped in different ways, and each one has their own candle if you will.

I'm a people person. People energize me, refresh me, I thrive when I'm around people, that's one of my candles. In this highly relational faith of mine, that's a pretty good candle to have, I think. I have other "candles", but the point is, I think God was saying "take those gifts you have, and go "light your world".

Take the opportunities that come up to shine that light out there, using the gifts I have given you. There's a specific opportunity that I was seeking his wisdom about recently and I think, He may just have been answering my question with an exhortation to GO...light my world.

Signs of Life

Continuing on with the Steven C. Chapman songs that caught my attention yesterday, another song that I love to sing along to and indeed a song that has a great message is "Signs of Life". Didn't Paul say somewhere in the Bible "If I'm the greatest dude out there but I don't have love, I GOT NOTHIN'!"? Ok...so I'm paraphrasing, but still...that's what "Signs of Life" is about..

"Where are the signs of life? The love that proves there is a living faith inside"

Our love proves that our heart beats for Jesus, that our Faith is alive, that we MEAN what we say when we worship Him. No matter how smart, eloquent, good-looking, scrappy,spunky,funny we might be,it is our LOVE that is the key.

It unlocks many doors, mostly to people's hearts, and once you're in there, He can and will do a great work through you!!!

So where are the signs of life? Where is the love? All around I hope...

Let us pray

Once in a while I pull out a CD from my collection from years back, I clean off the dust and revisit my favorite songs on it.
Last night as I was driving to a friend's house I pulled out good ol' Steven Curtis Chapman's "Signs of Life" CD and throughly enjoyed listening to a few songs I hadn't heard in a while.

Among them, one that caught my attention is "Let us pray". Sometimes it isn't how sophisticatedly (yes! It's a word!!!) the music is written or arranged, rather, how simple and direct the message is.

"Let us pray, let us pray, everywhere in every way, every moment of the day, it is the right time, for the Father above, He is listening with love and He wants to answer us, so let us pray."

That's a pretty straight forward message there. Let's PRAY PEOPLE!!!!!!!
The Father is waiting, and with LOVE. Pray in the morning, pray at lunch, pray in the afternoon, pray at dinner, pray at bedtime. Pray while you're working,eating,driving, perhaps even disciplining the children...PRAY!

"Just becasue we said the word Amen, it doesn't mean this conversation needs to end" (Steven's words again, not mine)

Indeed!! Amen isn't the end of our conversation with our Father, it can go on ALL DAY LONG!!!!! Ok, I don't know about you, but I sure could use this friendly and catchy reminder that my Father in Heaven is waiting with love for me to just...talk to Him.

Indeed...let us pray.

More Family

And this is Paul and I and my step-daughters Kelly and Jessica 

Family

While I'm sharing pictures, I now realize, I have never posted a cool picture of my family....so here goes--that's Paul and I in Argentina 

Stingray

Just thought I would share a cool cruise picture--that's me in Grand Cayman holding a stingray--they're just like puppies,only rubbery and well..under water :-) 

Summer Heat

It is only June 12th but we have already had a couple of weeks of tropical like heat. 90 degrees and higher and high humidity, which is all pretty unusual for this time of year around here...Normally, I would think, AWESOME! Summer started early. But this year, I am finding that it is too hot. I know, I can't believe I just typed that for the world to read, I, LAURA, think it is TOO HOT. I thought that would never happen.

Mostly I do not enjoy having to close all doors and windows so that the Air conditioner can do its job and miss out on the fresh summer air, the chirping birds, etc. But I also do not enjoy going for a walk with my puppy dog and have her panting and having a hard time keeping up!Even she seems to be thinking "It's too hot! let's go home!"

But I am not quite complaining, although if this was the kind of heat we had experienced last summer, when we had a boat to put in the lake and hang out at, it might have been nice :-) NO!!! I'm not complaining, just stating a fact. Ok, so maybe I am complaining a little bit, but at the end of the day, a warm and sunny summer day, week, or even month is a gift, that we don't get very often around here, so I will try to enjoy it.

Carnival Victory Ship 

Grand Cayman 

Paul and I in Cozumel,Mexico 

Paul and I in Jamaica 

Cruisin'

I can't believe I haven't yet blogged about our awesome impending trip! :-)

Basically, Paul and I are SO incredibly blessed to be able to go on our very first cruise (at the end of this month) courtesy of my dear brother in law's generosity! Indeed, this is not something that happens every day, in fact, Paul and I have never truly had a vacation together, at least not a BEACHY HOT SUMMER weather vacation where we get to just be with each other and relax!!! It is an awesome gift and one that is not in the least going unappreciated.

So...today it's May 18th, and Paul and I are leaving in the morning on May 21st !!!!
3 DAYS!!! I have not had something this exciting to look forward to in a while! :-)

I am thankful to God for this awesome opportunity and of course thankful to Bruce, Paul's brother, who so generously offered to make this possible for us.

We will be going to the Western Caribbean and stop at Cozumel Mexico, Ocho Rios Jamaica, and Grand Cayman and have four days at sea. We can't wait!!

For anyone interested in following our itinerary or just the cruise info,check this link out :-)

http://www.carnival.com/Itinerary.aspx?embkCode=MIA&itinCode=WC9&shipCode
=VI&durDays=7&subRegionCode=CW

The Materialistic Christian

I am reading the book "The Naked Church" by Waybe Jacobsen and it has been thus far very interesting and in my opinion, quite accurate. He speaks about the state that the church is in these days, and speaks about a lot of the reasons for that.

The chapter I was reading recently dealt with the materialistic nature of some western christians. He suggests that we have missed the point. That we have tried to "combine" the priorities of this world as they relate to wealth and prosperity and the priorities of the kingdom, and that has created some confusion and what's worse, it has created a gap between God and us. He very simply says...if I am prioritizing a nice house, a couple of cars, a "good" family, the "good life", I am missing what God is saying to me, I am missing his work in my life and thus I will interpret my circumstances as a "result" of what God may or may not be doing.When we prioritize anything over relationship and community with God, we will lose the benefit or truly walking with him and we will be lost and influenced by our circumstances, and these in turn will govern our relationship with God.

That has happened to me. I get so easily caught up in the "I deserve this" and "I should have that" that when I don't get whatever it is, it causes friction between me and God. I question his motives, I wonder about his love for me, I ask myself what I could have possibly done better. None of that is necessary if I am in daily relationship with him. If I know him and my life reflects his love and his grace, whatever circumstance comes my way I will not doubt his love, his motives or my worth. I will walk through it and know that he is with me and whether challenging or sad,annoying or overwhelming, I know he is with me and I need not endure it on my own.
And I can know that his ultimate goal has little to do with THIS life and the circumstances of it, and lots to do with my eternal life and relationship with him forever.

Broken Toe?

Ok, I am NOT sure because I have not seen a doctor at this point, but I am fairly certain that I have broken a toe in my left foot. I have drawn this conclusion after much careful evaluation of the contusion and swelling around the area and...the incredible pain I feel whenever I attempt to step on it.:-(

What happened,you might ask yourself.Well....very simply, a mis-handling of grocery baggage caused the dropping of a rather large and full 2 liter bottle of diet root beer on my foot (OUCH!). I must say...the people present were quite impressed with how I handled the blow, but quite frankly I think it had nothing to do with my threshold for pain, but more with the fact that the blow had quite possibly taken my breath away thus rendering me unable to utter any sound, as in.. a blood curling scream or very loud tears.

So..it has now been about 3 days, and the swelling has gone down and the bruising is more green then purple (Usually this is a good thing) but walking is still rather difficult. This in turn is very difficult for me, as I am quite used to moving quite speedily about while accomplishing several different tasks at once. Once more, God has figured out a way to get my attention and once more, he is teaching me patience.

There are many things that simply cannot get done,when you are moving as slowly as I am these days, in a 24 hour period.I am learning to live with the consequences and be content in the amount of activity that my foot can handle.
Patience Patience Patience! :-)

Sailing with...Jesus

I am a highly musical person..WAIT no, that does not mean that I am musically talented, just that I love music and that music has a strong effect on me.
I was listening to a Chris Rice album (I love his stuff, he's one of my favorite song writers)and the song "Sailing with Russel" came on...and this particular verse caught my attention, as if I was hearing it for the first time...

"What if we saw him there(Jesus)
Walking out on the water?"
No time for splashing around in shallow theology
He just invited us out into the deep simplicity

I picture it..some friends hanging out, and suddenly, we see Jesus, and he joins us
I don't picture theology talks, complicated words that I need to look up in the dictionary, I picture him easy going, loving, kind, hanging out with us, one of us and yet GOD. Wow...wouldn't that would be awesome!
I love that Chris Rice uses the phrase "Deep Simplicity", what would that be like?
I love simplicity, I love unstructured spontaneous fellowship with other believers, when people get to be real with one another and the cover-ups,and masks,and pretending to be someone they're not,stops. Where we can be with each other in our weakest moments and still love each other.
That's when I see Jesus. In the SIMPLE times, and yet it is deep. Deep simplicity...deep love, deep fellowship, deep connections with one another and yet simple because all we really have to do is let go of our expectations and plans and schemes and let him do the work in and through us.
I've been a part of that kind of deep simplicity a few times during my Christian walk and I can't help but wonder, why not more often? Is there something to be said for the lifestyle most of us lead that gets in the way of that simplicity?
Certainly my experience has been that living in the U.S. limits in some ways your ability to be spontaneous and carefree with your life. Planning needs to happen, committees are put together, time "slots" are reserverd for different activities, and the opportunity for spontaneous God led fellowship decreases. We DECIDE when we will meet, at what time and for how long and THAT's when God can work.
That seems...limiting. Anytime I feel bound by a schedule I don't feel free to worship God. Rarely does God's timing in my life coincide with the pre-set schedule, but I do have to say, God does work trough everything, he uses us our efforts, even when to us it looks like we are failing because the "intended" result is not achieved. So perhaps all our planning and scheming and structuring doesn't allow much wiggle room or flexibility for us to "take in" or even notice God's work in and around us and perhaps for some us, some things need to change, but in the meantime, He is God. Whatever we do,he will use, for his purpose and for his glory.

The Show

Paul wrote a song last night(for those of you who may not be sure who Paul is, he's my better half, my husband :-)) And it resonates with me and reflects (I think) a lot of what I myself have been experiencing and hearing from God;the freeing notion of his love for us regardless of our performance and our ability... funny huh, how He works in our lives...
So here it is...Any comments would be welcome!

THE SHOW


There’s a face you show to strangers
There’s a face you show to friends
There’s a face you show while singing until the music ends
There’s a face you show for pain, there’s a face you show for joy
There’s a face
That sets in place
To hide that you’re annoyed

But I never dare
To try and share
The face that You gave me
I guess it’s time
For a face that’s mine
Revealing what You see

If that means that I’m done singing
And it’s time to just let go
That’s alright with me
Because Lord, You see
I’m tired of the show

The program has to be right
It has to run on time
It must be smooth it must be good
Must not step out of line
We must keep people coming, perfection understood
Details become more important than they ever should

But I rarely pause
To consider cause
Or to simply stop and be
I want the chance
To laugh and dance
And feel the joy You bring

If that means that I’m done singing
And it’s time for me to go
It’s alright with me
Cuz Lord, You see
I’m tired of the show

And if it means that I’m done hiding
because you're asking me to grow
It’s ok with me
Cuz you've set me free
to face a life without "The Show"

The "magic" of Advertisement

As I have mentioned before, I am taking classes at FLCC, and I have also mentioned my Sociology class before(see previous post "Deviance").

Friday morning and this morning in Sociology class,our professor showed us videos, of a woman (her name is Jean something)who speaks out against the negative influence that advertisement has on us and especially the way that advertisement portrays women.
Among other things, she contends that advertisements have for years suggested that for women,all that should matter is to look good;they have portrayed an ideal of beauty that is impossible to attain in nature at best and unhealthy at worst;they have among other things reduced women to nothing more than just a body,an object.

As I also mentioned before, I have had also struggled, most of my life with body image issues, and certainly, the mass media has not helped, and so as I watched the video, I realized the deep influence that TV, movies,magazines and advertisements have had on me. But then...I had to reflect on what the core of my issues really is.Sure the message out there is clear..the advertisement says something like:
"You don't look just right, so you NEED to buy this product" and it is a powerful message filled with images of the ideal body, the ideal hair, the ideal face, etc.

However, for me at least, the issue lies at the core of who I perceive myself to be, or not to be. When my focus is off Christ, my identity is blurry and I cry out to be defined. I can define myself through my job, my skills, my appearance, my posessions, the list goes on and on. But when I know his love, his infinite love for me,his constant presence in my life, his grace and mercy, then I no longer need external things to define me. Then, I know that who he made me to be, just the way I am, without status,without things, without a title is enough, and it is me who pleases him when I seek to be with him instead of the things of this world.

So perhaps the mass media influence is negative, I don't think that has never been more clear than in these days of slender bodies, perfect tans, perfect teeth, indeed, women withouth any imperfections at all. But the choice lies much deeper than whether to buy into the standard, the choice lies in our souls, and the choice is between the world and the Savior. The question is, who defines you? The world, or your Father? Men or God? The people around you, or Jesus, who is within you?

Jesus sing over me

"Can I climb up in your lap
I don't want to leave,Jesus sing over me
You're everything I need"

Mercy Me in "Keep Singing"

I love that song; it communicates the brokenness that most draws us to Jesus.
Those verses especially, communicate the image of a broken person, feeling almost like a scared child, looking to be with his dad,to be comforted, to be restored.
I have recently needed comfort and ,at first, I didn't know how to get it.

I had lost something and all I could focus on was what I had lost,and that wasn't giving me any comfort.And then I felt it. It was as though he had wrapped his arms around me, cried with me, and I realized, I had just been on my Father's lap, and I didn't want to leave! And I truly understood the verse "You're everything I need"

At the end of the song,after establishing how much pain he feels, how dark it all looks, he sings "I gotta keep singing, I gotta keep praising your name, you're the one who's keeping my heart beating"

Once you have been with God, and he has cried with you, and you with him; once you have been on his lap, comforted and loved; once you have seen as if with your own eyes that HE IS everything you need...the wanting decreases...the pain and the anguish fade just a little bit...enough for you to feel the amazing love he has for you, and the healing power of his presence.

Everything else pales in comparison, and loses a little bit of meaning, and that's how comfort can happen. He takes your eyes off of the world, the things, the needs, the wants, the pain, and he puts them on him;for a moment it's just you and him, and you know that's enough...he's everything you need.

Just me...for You

"The moment we deny God's fingerprint on our soul,the instant we stop listening to our uniqueness, our God hearing starts to deteriorate."

Those are the words of Michael Yaconelli, in his book "Dangerous Wonder", which I started (and finished)reading today. Many times during reading this book today I paused to take it all in. God speaking. God smiling. God with me. One of the times I felt his tug the most was when I read this particular passage.

My "God hearing" has suffered severely from my misplaced focus. I learned early on in life to deny my uniqueness and strive for sameness so it is something I am quite familiar with and efficient at. But when about 6 and 1/2 years ago I became a Christian and recognized God in my life for the first time,for a short time I knew who I was, in Jesus. I knew how I was loved and cherished, forgiven and accepted. I treasure that time in my life, it is to me the equivalent of the return of the prodigal son. The Father I never knew I had was waiting for me to come home, even when I hadn't know where home was. But I knew when I found it,it was home indeed. I was at home with my Savior, safe and scared all at the same time, in awe of Him and yet strangely peaceful. Oblivious to the world around me. Full of life. Full of Jesus.
But soon I was swept up in the struggle for sameness and acceptance by the world around me; I was striving to please him, no longer just reveling in his love and acceptance; I had learned it wasn't enough for me to just be. I had to do,earn, prove,and commit. My heart was lost somewhere in the process, my uniqueness was trampled on and promptly covered up, and I conformed to what I thought was the standard that I ought to strive for,and to becoming the person I "should" be.
How sad that must have made him! He lost me then, while I was franticly trying to find him again. I didn't realize, all I had to do was stop doing. Stop "denying his fingerprint" and be me. And be with him. That's all he's ever really wanted. To be with me. Not with the counterfeit that I would present to him, not with the politically correct and appropriately polished version of me. Just me.Messy hair, no make up, sloppy, inconsistent, unpredictable, inpatient and annoying, but also wide-eyed,eager,willing, and unique.

I am here now;I am here and you are with me,Abba. I get it, I do.
No noise, no production,no cleaning up, no covering up, just me. How could so little be enough? You make it so. You make me...enough.

Your Love

You love me Lord, and I trust you. I know the depth of your love for me, and I know, that even when what is good for me doesn't feel good, you still love me.

I know that when I cry, you are holding me and crying with me. I know that when I am confused, I still know what is TRUE: That you made me, and that you love me, and that you are forever, and you never change.

When I am anxious and worried, nothing changes. The truth stays the same.
Whatever comes my way, whatever storm I face, you are with me.

Help me to see YOU in the midst of the hard times, the pain and the worry.
Help me to see that I need to control my circumstances, because I can trust YOU, more than I can trust myself.

Thank you Father, for your grace and your mercy.

God's body, not mine

"Everything is permisible to me"--but not everything is beneficial.
"Everything is permissible to me"--but I will not be mastered by anything.
1 Cor 6:12
Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself?
1 Cor 6:15
Do you not know that you body is a temple of the holy spirit,who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.
1 Cor 6:19

My body, His Gift

I would guess that most people that know me, know that I care a great deal about my physical appearance. Some would call me obsessed and I would hardly argue with them on that.
Lately God has been working in me in many different ways and revealing to me different things about himself,myself and our relationship. Body image is just one big thing in my life that he would not spare. In and of itself, it isnt huge, but he knows me and he knows what is at the core of it.

At the risk of oversimplifying, I will say there are at least 2 things at the core of it in my case: lack of trust in him (and thus the desire to have control) and lack of knowledge (REAL experience knowledge not just "head" knowledge) of his deep deep love for me.

From the time I was a teenager it was BURNED into my brain that within my body and appearance lied my worth. As long as my appearance was at a certain level, I was worth something;sadly, I also learned that as long as my body was 'available' sexually, I was worth something.
As it turns out,those concepts are harder to dethrone than you would think, and today's society and mass media do NOT make it any easier, in fact, they make it THAT much tougher to realize the deep lie within them.
The lie is that my body is only good for one thing; the lie is that my body represents my worth as a person; the lie is that meeting a certain physical standard is what I should strive for,in order to silence the sounds of self-loathing and pain.

The truth of course, is that God made my body to do many more things than what I concern myself with,and for more than what the lie would have me believe.
God made my body to do wonderful things. It is meant to be his temple, his dwelling place. It is meant to sing his praise, and worship him.
It is made for loving others, holding hands, giving hugs. It is made for laughing, and crying so that I can rejoice with others and weep with others. It is made to give life, both physically and spiritually through the power of his holy spirit.
It is made to enjoy my husband within the context of our committed love to one another, and for my husband to enjoy me.

The truth is that when I consider my body only as a means to obtain "worth" I downgrade it to the status of a tool. I make it into an object. I strip it of the wonderful qualities that are within it, and I invite other to do so as well.
What a tragedy! To take something so valuable and strip it of its value and affix upon it a label that allows others to mistreat it and misuse it. To take the gift that God has given me and abuse it and beat it into submission, in order to slience the pain and the hurt that God himself promises to heal.

A tragedy indeed.

Conformed or Transformed?

This morning during my "reading and relaxing" time, I came upon this statement which stopped me and made me think. I was reading Wayne Jacobsen's book "He loves me" (thanks Greg!)and this is what he has to say at one point while speking about grace:

"We are far more used to being conformed by external pressures than we are to being transformed by his inner presence."

I thought about it for a second and realized...that's why it was so hard for me to "reach" God for so long, that's why I felt distant from him. I was reaaaaaaaaaally focusing on being conformed by the external pressure of 'doing the right things that I should do as a good Christian' instead of truly wanting to know HIM. 'Seek ye first the kingdom of God'....the kingdom cannot be found without HIM can it? We can't find the kingdom if we're looking externally at the shoulds and musts, we find the kingdom when we are looking to see him, to know him to love and be loved by him.
Perhaps a 'DUH!' moment for some, but very much a lightbulb moment for me. He has been continously reinforcing this concept to me, almost daily (see posts "Obedience" and "are you effective?") I love it when he does that!

Along with Mr Jacobsen's statement this morning God gave me this verse that expresses that same concept:

Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as tough you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules. "Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!"? These are all destined to perish with use because they are based on human commands and teachings.
Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom with their self-imposed worship,their false humility and the harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sexual indulgence. Col 2:20-22

Paul is referring to the same thing. Don't focus on the external 'things' that you are told by others you should or shouldn't do!! These things PERISH!!! All human effort in and of itself is fallible, so don't put your trust in it.
The tricky thing is, as Paul recognizes, is that they "indeed have an appearance of wisdom", we are taught to EARN favor, to abide by the rules, and so we apply that 'common sense' to our spiritual relationship with the Father. But He is not looking for robotic obedience, he is looking for our hearts. He's not interested in our performance for him but in his performance in us! We've got it backwards I think, or at least some of us. I certainly did. It is nothing I do, it is HIS LOVE and power in me. It is actually, what I DON'T do that makes the difference.
Now I truly understand what Paul meant when he said if he ever boasted, he would boast only in Christ. To him alone be the glory, for he has loved us and saved us by his amazing grace.

Obedience

We are teaching our yellow lab, Tutuca (see previous posts) to be obedient.
To heel when she walks with us, to fetch the ball and then come back to us and drop it at out feet, to stay and sit, in other words, to be obedient.We use treats and a lot of "Good Girl!"'s but sometimes we also have to say "NO!" and not give her a treat.

Interesting parallel I thought! God is teaching me patience, and within the context of learning to wait on Him and trust Him and His love, there's the concept of obedience.
There's a good verse about obedience I read this morning:

This is love for God: to obey his commands. 1 John 5:3

In reading this it would almost sound like if we love God and are good boys and girls, then we will b obedient. Much like my yellow lab I am eager to please my Master, but many many times, my best intentions are just, well...just that. What then? Does this mean that I don't love God? I don't think so.
The verse comes after a far more detailed verse that says:

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God,and God in him.In this way, love is made complete,among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgement, because in this world, we are like him. 1 John 4:16

I think that sums it up pretty nicely. We are already justified by his love. Our obedience isn't earning us salvation.Obedience isn't something we do to earn his favor, or to please him or to look good.If that were the case, he would be displeased with me quite a bit.Obedience is the fruit. His love is in us and the result is obedience. All we do is live in him and allow him to live in us. He does the rest.
He works in us to change us and make us like him, all we need to do is yield, and in the context of that love, obedience to what He wants to do in us is the natural result.

Even when we do get in the way and we do not yield, his love is there, taking us in, giving us grace, and allowing us to grow through our failure. That is his love. His love does it all.

How great is the love the Father has lavished upon us that we should be called sons of God! (don't remember where this verse is :-)

Patience

Aaaaa the art of patience learning...I believe the word of the day when it comes to my journey with God these days is PATIENCE.It's interesting; in learning patience, I'm actually...well, already waiting to develop patience, so in a sense, I am waiting for the things I would rather not have to wait for, and hoping that I will develop patience as a result...So all I'm doing is...WAITING!

Again, I turned to my friend Google for a detailed definition of the word patience: "long-suffering, resignation, forbearance. These nouns denote the capacity to endure hardship, difficulty, or inconvenience without complaint. Patience emphasizes calmness, self-control, and the willingness or ability to tolerate delay"

Hmm...The "without complaint" part troubled me.Actually the "calmness" part too.
I struggle with ALL that.I don't particularly think that God enjoys making me wait, but I do think that He wants me to grow in His likeness, He wants me to develop patience and calmness.
I even think that perhaps, this patience wouldn't be so much the result of waiting, but a result of TRUST. But as I have been waiting, and wanting, and asking God to show me His Love for me, I am learning to trust, and it's funny, when you start trusting, you have true peace, and when He does bless you, it is His gift to you.

I dont know about you, but I would rather have something He has given me out of His love for me, than anything I can get for myself, in my selfishness and sinfulness. I will wait for You Lord, because I trust Your wisdom and Your love for me.

Deviance

In Sociology class our professor has been talking about deviance. He talked today about the values that society has, and the values that most of us, hold dear as a result.

An example of such "values" or goals, is "SUCCESS". And the way one goes about achieving success is with ambition, education and of course, hard work. My professor then theorized (well,actually it wasn't him, it was Merton's theory)that what happens when one doesn't quite agree with society's values or goals, we have deviance.

So then I realized, then...I am deviant! The definition of success in our society is mostly money and status, which I do not consider "VALUES".

Additionally, other things that this society considers priorities are physical appearance, material posessions, image,diplomas, credentials etc. Every one of them, is in contrast with what Jesus was all about. He was NOT about image, money, diplomas, and STUFF in general. He was about love, heart, people, His Father. That makes us deviant. If we are following our Father in Heaven our priorities WILL not reflect this society's values and goals.

I guess that's what Jesus meant when He said (I think it was Him that said it)that we are to love the world, but not "join in". We are deviant. We don't fit in.

Ok, so maybe this is well covered territory in the Christian faith, we are aware of this, we are familiar with the concept, but to hear the word DEVIANT which has such negative connotations, was eye-opening for me.
Google defines deviance as "a state or condition markedly different from the norm". MARKEDLY DIFFERENT hmmmm....now, THAT made me think. I am not sure I am "markedly different" from the norm. So now I'm asking myself, am I deviant enough?!

I think to a certain extent we all "join in" on some of our environment's values, it's inevitable. But I am finding that as far as I am concerned, there has definitely been a high level of conformity on my part. Conformity to this world, the society, the "values" that everyone else around me holds dear,not the ones Jesus lived by. That bugs me, but it also compels me to find those areas where I have conformed, and ask Him to show me His way.
I want to be deviant Lord! :-)

Why me?

I ask that question too many times..."Why me lord?" or..."Why not me?"
Just like when I was a kid and questioned my parent's wisdom and authority.
Looking back and realizing the truth about my parents,questioning their wisdom and authority doesn't seem like such a bad thing, but what I do now...well, that's not smart at all.

Questioning God on why He does what he does in my life, or why He allows certain things to happen, only breeds discontent, lack of perspecive, self-pity and ingratitude, ALL bad things! Absolutely nothing good comes from it.

I DO know He loves me. That will be enough for me this day. Knowing that He loves me and that He is indeed sovereign. I will need to rest in that, without knowing the why's for everything, and recognize as Steven Curtis Chapman's song says that "God is God and I am not, I can only see a part of the picture He's painting, God is God and I am man(woman in my case)so I'll never understand it all, for only God is God"

And isn't THAT a good thing?!

It is a very good thing. In His wisdom He does not show us everything all at once...sometimes He shows us later on, when we can handle it, sometimes He never shows us, because we could never handle it...in the end, He alone has all the answers, and He alone chooses when we can see the big picture and when it's just better for us not to, and learning to trust that, can make life a little easier,or at least, I think so.

Are you effective?

I was scanning the "Our Daily Bread" as I do occasionally, and when I read the title of today's topic,"Broken Things" I decided to read.

I was following along with the author as I read about how God works in great and awesome ways when we are broken, until I read this sentence:"people who have been broken become better and more effective Christians"

I thought...hmmmm "effective"? effective among other things means "able to accomplish a purpose" What would be our purpose as Christians? what would be the "thing" that we would become more able to accomplish? Perhaps being a good witness? Learning more from the Bible?

As I reflected on what it is to be effective and on my own experiences in my brokenness I concluded that the more times I am broken and come before Him the LEAST effective I feel.
When I am broken and go before Him I am healed, forgiven, comforted, loved. Not made effective. Perhaphs,the more I am broken, the more I can relate to the brokenness of others and maybe that is a kind of effectiveness. But at the end of the day, I don't believe that the Father is going to look at us on judgement day and say "Well done, you were quite effective"
He longs for our time, our affection, our presence, our honesty, NOT our efficiency.
Think about it! He can do ANYTHING PERFECTLY!He doesn't need our human efficiency!

He doesn't need your efficiency, but He does love your brokenness, because when you are broken, there is nothing between you and Him but His love.

But I thought it mattered!

I was having a chat with God, trying to understand where He was leading, where I should go, what career to choose, what to study, what to pursue, what to become.

I wasn't sure, but I think I heard Him say "it doesn't matter"
That can't be right! I must have misunderstood you, Lord, what did you say?
"IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER, because you are not looking for Me to fill you, you're looking for things to fill you, and no matter what path you choose, you will still be empty of the things I want to give to you"

Ok, so, it didn't quite go like that, but that was His message LOUD and CLEAR. It doesn't matter. I have heard it said before "it doesn't matter what title you hold, what position, what diploma, etc" but ironically, the people saying those things DID have a good if not great (by the world standards) position, title, diplomas, etc. so I never quite bought it.
But what Jesus was saying to me was different. Seek ME. If you do nothing else with your life, that will be more than enough.
If you never "achieve" anything else by the world's standards,but become like a child in your Faith and Trust in Me and become a part of the body of believers I have put around you, life will be much richer than you ever thought it could be with all the right credentials and achievements!"

WOW. I'm not saying we shouldn't want to , learn, be educated or even achieve.
I am saying, in my case, I was looking for things to give me what I lacked. I was looking to prove who I was to God and myself through achievement, hard work, sacrifice. And He said...."it doesn't matter, I KNOW YOU and LOVE you as you are, and I want you to know Me and Love ME as I AM"

My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God,namely Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. Col 2:2

If all the treasures of wisdowm and knowledge are hidden in Christ, than where else should I go to find them but Christ Himself?