I was reading an "article" by Wayne Jacobsen about tithing and giving, and I came across a statement that woke me up(I'm speaking metaphorically,it's not like I was sleeping, because if I had been,I couldn't have been reading, unless I was reading in a dream which would be pretty weird).
Jacobsen writes "If He doesn't give me something, it's because I really don't need it"
WOW! What a concept! Sometimes learning about God feels like someone saying "DUH!!!" It is SO simple. So easy to see that the God who loves me will give me what I need, and...well...NOT give me what I don't need!
It's a simple concept, yet quite hard to grasp in everyday life.If I want something, if I really think I need it, and God doesn't give it to me, I get angry, sad, disappointed...but WAIT! Being disappointed implies an expectation.
If I expect God to give me what I think I need,then...I can be guaranteed disapointment.
If,instead, I learn to live WITH Him,let Him be enough for me, I will know what I truly need, and not create unrealistic expectations for what I "should" get.
Wouldn't THAT be nice! :-)
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
He loves me
He really does...It's not that I didn't know this before, I just never truly realized (and I don't think I fully do yet)that, above all else, Jesus loves me.
He wants me to grow, to learn, to change, to love others, to give, to follow Him,but above everything else, He loves me, no strings attached.
He wants relationship with me.He wants the opportunity to show me the height,width and depth of His love for me.He wants the opportunity to be a Father to me unlike any other that ever lived on this earth.
I don't know about you, but that's enough to make want to get up in the morning and rush to talk to Him, be with Him, let Him love on me. :-)
He wants me to grow, to learn, to change, to love others, to give, to follow Him,but above everything else, He loves me, no strings attached.
He wants relationship with me.He wants the opportunity to show me the height,width and depth of His love for me.He wants the opportunity to be a Father to me unlike any other that ever lived on this earth.
I don't know about you, but that's enough to make want to get up in the morning and rush to talk to Him, be with Him, let Him love on me. :-)
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Don't do that Part II
As I reflected more on what I wrote yesterday, about not making myself the god in my life and yielding to the things I want and not giving Jesus His place, I realized, that for me,and I suspect also for many others, it's sometimes a matter of control.
I haven't quite learned that my Father in Heaven knows not only what I need but I also what I desire. He is wise in giving me those things, and He is generous. It is a wonder that I have not yet learned that because He has shown me time and time again, He has given me more than I had ever needed or asked for.
And yet, over and over, I shove Him out of my life and take over the wheel. I try do things myself, and I must say, it has NEVER ONCE worked. Not only has it not gotten me what I wanted, it has left me hurt,and sometimes someone around me hurt, discouraged and angry.
Afterwards when I have crawled back to Him asking Him to forgive me for being so stubborn He has blessed me, in His own time in bigger ways than I had even hoped for.
Why don't I LEARN?!!!
I don't know....maybe I am more stubborn than I had realized...maybe control is too important to me, maybe...the hunger for control is my god and I need to dethrone it.
Or maybe it goes deeper than that. Maybe I haven't fully grasped how much my Father loves Me and I have not yet learned to trust. Maybe trusting has hurt me so deeply in the past that trusting an unseen Father to care for me seems foolish and dangerous.
But He does love me, and I CAN trust Him; or can I?
I haven't quite learned that my Father in Heaven knows not only what I need but I also what I desire. He is wise in giving me those things, and He is generous. It is a wonder that I have not yet learned that because He has shown me time and time again, He has given me more than I had ever needed or asked for.
And yet, over and over, I shove Him out of my life and take over the wheel. I try do things myself, and I must say, it has NEVER ONCE worked. Not only has it not gotten me what I wanted, it has left me hurt,and sometimes someone around me hurt, discouraged and angry.
Afterwards when I have crawled back to Him asking Him to forgive me for being so stubborn He has blessed me, in His own time in bigger ways than I had even hoped for.
Why don't I LEARN?!!!
I don't know....maybe I am more stubborn than I had realized...maybe control is too important to me, maybe...the hunger for control is my god and I need to dethrone it.
Or maybe it goes deeper than that. Maybe I haven't fully grasped how much my Father loves Me and I have not yet learned to trust. Maybe trusting has hurt me so deeply in the past that trusting an unseen Father to care for me seems foolish and dangerous.
But He does love me, and I CAN trust Him; or can I?
Monday, March 28, 2005
I am blessed
I don't think I have ever written anything substantial about my husband, Paul.
We have been married almost 6 years, and I must say, he is the one single person God has used the most in my life to grow me, change me, better me for the most part :-)
I am blessed to have him. To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for poor or for poorer :-) He has been a rock in my life, and Jesus has been OUR rock through our hard times, and for the most part I believe, we are better people because of each other, each other's good qualities, each other's flaws, each other's strenghts and weaknesses, each other's love.
I am blessed to have him. Did I already say that? That's because it is so true. God gave me a huge blessing when he put him in my life and viceversa, that hot summer day in 1998, when I barely spoke enough english to understand that he was flirting with me :-) I had no idea what was to come...
And I have a feeling there's so much more to come that we are both clueless about! That's the beauty of living with Jesus. We sell Him short sometimes,I think,of the awesome things He can accomplish in us through the loved ones in our lives, but He is generous with His children. I am His child, and I have Paul to prove that.
We have been married almost 6 years, and I must say, he is the one single person God has used the most in my life to grow me, change me, better me for the most part :-)
I am blessed to have him. To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for poor or for poorer :-) He has been a rock in my life, and Jesus has been OUR rock through our hard times, and for the most part I believe, we are better people because of each other, each other's good qualities, each other's flaws, each other's strenghts and weaknesses, each other's love.
I am blessed to have him. Did I already say that? That's because it is so true. God gave me a huge blessing when he put him in my life and viceversa, that hot summer day in 1998, when I barely spoke enough english to understand that he was flirting with me :-) I had no idea what was to come...
And I have a feeling there's so much more to come that we are both clueless about! That's the beauty of living with Jesus. We sell Him short sometimes,I think,of the awesome things He can accomplish in us through the loved ones in our lives, but He is generous with His children. I am His child, and I have Paul to prove that.
Don't do that!
You shall have no other god beside Me.
That is a pretty straight-forward, clear commandment, I think. It leaves little room for confusion, and yet, I think so many of us, misunderstand.
A god is anything that takes over in our lives, a job we spend way too much time on, a "thing" that we just have to have, a person that matters more to us than God himself...at the core of it is, self-worship. If I care more about what I want, need, like, love, than I do about God, that means I am putting myself first.
Don't do that! That's what I told myself this morning. "Don't do that Laura!!!!" I heard Jesus say that to me, with a sorrowful loving voice. Ok, I didn't audibly hear it, but it was a clear message, from Him to me. Don't. Just don't.
There is NO subsitute for Me, my Love, My living water. Don't waste time, effort, tears, don't do that.
He's right, how could He not be? He's God! He knows me, He knows what gets a hold of me tighter than it needs to, and He is asking me not to let that happen. He's number one.
That is a pretty straight-forward, clear commandment, I think. It leaves little room for confusion, and yet, I think so many of us, misunderstand.
A god is anything that takes over in our lives, a job we spend way too much time on, a "thing" that we just have to have, a person that matters more to us than God himself...at the core of it is, self-worship. If I care more about what I want, need, like, love, than I do about God, that means I am putting myself first.
Don't do that! That's what I told myself this morning. "Don't do that Laura!!!!" I heard Jesus say that to me, with a sorrowful loving voice. Ok, I didn't audibly hear it, but it was a clear message, from Him to me. Don't. Just don't.
There is NO subsitute for Me, my Love, My living water. Don't waste time, effort, tears, don't do that.
He's right, how could He not be? He's God! He knows me, He knows what gets a hold of me tighter than it needs to, and He is asking me not to let that happen. He's number one.
In sickness and in health
"In sickness and in health". Anyone out there who is married is familiar with those words. I said that to my husband on our wedding day, and he to me, and ever since we have tried our best to live up to the promise.
It is very much the same kind of vow I long to live out with God. In sickness and in health, when the sun shines and when the rain comes down, when I have and when I lack...I will worship YOU. When what I want doesn't come fast enough, when I lose what I did have, when I am in the desert, when I can't see the sun, You are still God over all, when the pain is so harsh I can barely breathe, You are still God over my life, You are still my Father, Your love never changes.
I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.
(Jer 31:3)
It is very much the same kind of vow I long to live out with God. In sickness and in health, when the sun shines and when the rain comes down, when I have and when I lack...I will worship YOU. When what I want doesn't come fast enough, when I lose what I did have, when I am in the desert, when I can't see the sun, You are still God over all, when the pain is so harsh I can barely breathe, You are still God over my life, You are still my Father, Your love never changes.
I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.
(Jer 31:3)
Sunday, March 27, 2005
Like a little child
I like children. I don't always enjoy their company especially if they're being noisy or cranky :-) but I almost always enjoy observing them. I love to watch them take life in, unpretentious, open, free. Many times as a kid I wished I was my cat, or my dog. Same principle, I loved how free they seemed, to just be themselves. A cat doesn't care of the other cat is skinnier, or has prettier hair or a better food dish. A dog will enjoy pretty much anything as long as it's not abusive or painful. Even as a kid I wasn't as open and free as I wished.
And yet I get this feeling sometimes that if I were able to be more like I used to be as a child, I would have so much more joy in my life and I would be much more content.
With the heart and the mind of a child I would be able to truly see God's gift to me in Jesus and fully appreciate it. With the heart and the mind of a child I would be able to live without questioning His power and provision. I wouldn't strive so much to have control, to "make things happen", to be in charge, or to pretend I even know what I'm doing half the time. I would be free to be myself within His love for me, no matter what I look like, drive, eat, do for a living...
Unless I am like a little child, I will not enter the Kingdom of Heaven, and that's what I long for; to be like a child, free to be loved and received, in His arms.
And yet I get this feeling sometimes that if I were able to be more like I used to be as a child, I would have so much more joy in my life and I would be much more content.
With the heart and the mind of a child I would be able to truly see God's gift to me in Jesus and fully appreciate it. With the heart and the mind of a child I would be able to live without questioning His power and provision. I wouldn't strive so much to have control, to "make things happen", to be in charge, or to pretend I even know what I'm doing half the time. I would be free to be myself within His love for me, no matter what I look like, drive, eat, do for a living...
Unless I am like a little child, I will not enter the Kingdom of Heaven, and that's what I long for; to be like a child, free to be loved and received, in His arms.
Friday, March 25, 2005
No more performing?
It's interesting, when you look inside and you realize, that the one thing you did NOT think you had a "problem" with, the one thing you didn't struggle with, turns out....is what's been pretty much motivating everything else you that think you're doing "right".Allow me to elaborate.
In reading some other friend's blogs, such as Greg's and also this Wayne guy (don't remember his last name) I've realized that I have been caught in the "performing" trap. I didn't think I was. I thought my priorities were ok in that department, I truly thought what I was seeking was a personal relationship with my Father, my Savior. So how come I don't quite "feel" it? I was still caught in the "performance wheel" I had gotten off of it, but I was still affected by it, still am actually. I quit a lot of my "church activities" partly because of lack of time but also because I was looking to see where my heart truly was, my service as of late was empty, halfhearted and I didn't like it. And now that I'm not out there, I realize....I have allowed myself to feel guilty, I have allowed this to distance me from God, because, as it turns out, I was caught in the performance trap, hoping to feel close to God by "serving" and giving of my time to others. I didn't think I was, but I was and it wasn't working.
I don't want to perform. I want to be with by my Father. I don't want to plan and organize how I will get close to God's heart, I just want to call Him to join me. I don't want to try to earn respect, love, admiration from anyone, I just want to bask in the love of My Father. No more performing...
In reading some other friend's blogs, such as Greg's and also this Wayne guy (don't remember his last name) I've realized that I have been caught in the "performing" trap. I didn't think I was. I thought my priorities were ok in that department, I truly thought what I was seeking was a personal relationship with my Father, my Savior. So how come I don't quite "feel" it? I was still caught in the "performance wheel" I had gotten off of it, but I was still affected by it, still am actually. I quit a lot of my "church activities" partly because of lack of time but also because I was looking to see where my heart truly was, my service as of late was empty, halfhearted and I didn't like it. And now that I'm not out there, I realize....I have allowed myself to feel guilty, I have allowed this to distance me from God, because, as it turns out, I was caught in the performance trap, hoping to feel close to God by "serving" and giving of my time to others. I didn't think I was, but I was and it wasn't working.
I don't want to perform. I want to be with by my Father. I don't want to plan and organize how I will get close to God's heart, I just want to call Him to join me. I don't want to try to earn respect, love, admiration from anyone, I just want to bask in the love of My Father. No more performing...
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Lonely
It's times like these that make me feel lonely. Sad times, times when things don't go the way I had hoped and prayed.
I mostly miss my sister at times like these.She's the one person that has known me since I was born and who has been with me through the difficult years of childhood and puberty. The ONLY one at my wedding that knew me since I was in diapers, the only one who has seen me little and afraid, grown up and strong, and now when I need her, she's not here. It's not her fault mind you, I am the one who left. I left to come here, start a new life, and God has deeply blessed me,there's not doubt about that. Yet I miss her, a LOT. I am not sure what this power is that she has to make me feel better by just being there, being herself, being with me. Maybe it's the power of familiarity, in the very sense of the word. What's more familiar than someone you have known your WHOLE life? Maybe it's just the notion of her love for me, in spite of everything she knows about me.
So then I realized, where my comfort comes from. It comes from the love of someone who knows me like nobody else does and who still loves me in spite of much she knows. There is someone who has known me longer and better than my sister, my Father in heaven.
And he loves me, just as I am, in spite of everything He knows, and He knows EVERYTHING!
He tells me this in His word :" Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart" (Jer 1:5).
He does know me, and He does love me, and I don't need to feel lonely,because He is here:"And surely, I am with you always" (Matthew 28:20).
I still miss my sister, but I know He makes me stronger everytime He asks me to lean on Him and trust Him. I know my faith is renewed when I experience His presence and provision and love. He's here with me, and that's all I need to know to not feel lonely anymore.
I mostly miss my sister at times like these.She's the one person that has known me since I was born and who has been with me through the difficult years of childhood and puberty. The ONLY one at my wedding that knew me since I was in diapers, the only one who has seen me little and afraid, grown up and strong, and now when I need her, she's not here. It's not her fault mind you, I am the one who left. I left to come here, start a new life, and God has deeply blessed me,there's not doubt about that. Yet I miss her, a LOT. I am not sure what this power is that she has to make me feel better by just being there, being herself, being with me. Maybe it's the power of familiarity, in the very sense of the word. What's more familiar than someone you have known your WHOLE life? Maybe it's just the notion of her love for me, in spite of everything she knows about me.
So then I realized, where my comfort comes from. It comes from the love of someone who knows me like nobody else does and who still loves me in spite of much she knows. There is someone who has known me longer and better than my sister, my Father in heaven.
And he loves me, just as I am, in spite of everything He knows, and He knows EVERYTHING!
He tells me this in His word :" Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart" (Jer 1:5).
He does know me, and He does love me, and I don't need to feel lonely,because He is here:"And surely, I am with you always" (Matthew 28:20).
I still miss my sister, but I know He makes me stronger everytime He asks me to lean on Him and trust Him. I know my faith is renewed when I experience His presence and provision and love. He's here with me, and that's all I need to know to not feel lonely anymore.
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Hello!! I'm still here!
WOW! It's been over a month since I last blogged....Baaaad blogger girl!
Life has been wonderfully hectic :-)
I have never...and I mean...NEVER been one of those crazy people who need to be extremely busy to feel good about life and where it's taking them or to feel good about themselves....NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVER
I have always made conscious efforts to have enough time to...hang out with my Tutuca (ref to previous post, she's my baby, my yellow lab) take time to cook a meal that takes long, take a bath, read a book, watch two movies I really like back to back....you know, the simple joys of life.
Lately however, I have traded in some of these joys for a completely different kind of joy. The joy of stretching yourself beyond your comfort zone. The joy of putting yourself out there and see what happens, even the joy of slightly spreading yourself a liiiiittle too thin :-)
I signed up for classes at my local community college. That's good right? A couple of classes, it's nice!! Well....in order to get the best financial aid, I needed to be FULL TIME!! That means, a minimum of 4 classes. FOUR! So, I am currently going to class every day, coming home and working, doing homework, reading, studying, and continuing on with as many of my households chores as possible. I'M BUSY! And I love it.
I'm officially "out there". I am officially in a town called "beyond your comfort zone" where great things can happen if you just let go of the notion that life was ever even supposed to be about comfort!!! I'm uncomfortable and I love it!
Life has been wonderfully hectic :-)
I have never...and I mean...NEVER been one of those crazy people who need to be extremely busy to feel good about life and where it's taking them or to feel good about themselves....NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVER
I have always made conscious efforts to have enough time to...hang out with my Tutuca (ref to previous post, she's my baby, my yellow lab) take time to cook a meal that takes long, take a bath, read a book, watch two movies I really like back to back....you know, the simple joys of life.
Lately however, I have traded in some of these joys for a completely different kind of joy. The joy of stretching yourself beyond your comfort zone. The joy of putting yourself out there and see what happens, even the joy of slightly spreading yourself a liiiiittle too thin :-)
I signed up for classes at my local community college. That's good right? A couple of classes, it's nice!! Well....in order to get the best financial aid, I needed to be FULL TIME!! That means, a minimum of 4 classes. FOUR! So, I am currently going to class every day, coming home and working, doing homework, reading, studying, and continuing on with as many of my households chores as possible. I'M BUSY! And I love it.
I'm officially "out there". I am officially in a town called "beyond your comfort zone" where great things can happen if you just let go of the notion that life was ever even supposed to be about comfort!!! I'm uncomfortable and I love it!
Monday, January 10, 2005
Coffee
I was talking to a friend the other day, and the fact that I love coffee was brought up.
I realized that...yes, I LOVE coffee, I depend on coffee to start my day right, I look forward to coffee as much as some people look forward to 5 o'clock everyday.
Then I had a conversation with another friend regarding my stomach's sensitivity and she suggested that I drop the caffeine altogether,for my stomach's sake. I thought..."now,that's crazy talk! My stomach's just going to have to deal with the coffee!!"
But after a couple days of bad stomach pains, I thought, hey...perhaps not drinking coffee could be good for me, and my stomach, perhaps I should give a try, and see if it does make things better.
Now, I have heard stories of people suffering from "caffeine withdrawal" symptoms, and I thought..."That's not going to happen to me, I can quit whenever I want" :-) HA HA!!
Well....I'm here to tell you, I stopped drinking coffee on Saturday, today it's Monday, and I cannot remember the last time I felt this sick!!!!!!!!! I have headaches, I am shaky, I have no energy,in short, I feel awful!
The ironic thing is, it took getting off the caffeine, to realize that I probably SHOULD quit caffeine!! HA! Even though I feel terrible, I am realizing that I never want to allow anything to affect my body in this way. I never want to depend on anything to FEEL good, other than the good ole' "eatin healthy and exercise" routine. Even though it does take much more time and effort than brewing a cup of coffee does :-(
I realized that...yes, I LOVE coffee, I depend on coffee to start my day right, I look forward to coffee as much as some people look forward to 5 o'clock everyday.
Then I had a conversation with another friend regarding my stomach's sensitivity and she suggested that I drop the caffeine altogether,for my stomach's sake. I thought..."now,that's crazy talk! My stomach's just going to have to deal with the coffee!!"
But after a couple days of bad stomach pains, I thought, hey...perhaps not drinking coffee could be good for me, and my stomach, perhaps I should give a try, and see if it does make things better.
Now, I have heard stories of people suffering from "caffeine withdrawal" symptoms, and I thought..."That's not going to happen to me, I can quit whenever I want" :-) HA HA!!
Well....I'm here to tell you, I stopped drinking coffee on Saturday, today it's Monday, and I cannot remember the last time I felt this sick!!!!!!!!! I have headaches, I am shaky, I have no energy,in short, I feel awful!
The ironic thing is, it took getting off the caffeine, to realize that I probably SHOULD quit caffeine!! HA! Even though I feel terrible, I am realizing that I never want to allow anything to affect my body in this way. I never want to depend on anything to FEEL good, other than the good ole' "eatin healthy and exercise" routine. Even though it does take much more time and effort than brewing a cup of coffee does :-(
Monday, December 27, 2004
Bring it On
Again with the running while worshipping, or worshipping while running...I received a great CD for Christmas and played it this morning while running... It's Steven Curtis Chapman's "Declaration". My favorite song to run to in this CD is called "Bring it On".
I love it because it invokes strength and confidence, not in myself, but in God. The One through whom I can "take" anything or anyone. It resonates with what it means to be a child of God and have access to His infinite wisdom and strength, it is invigorating, strong and powerful.
It makes me FEEL the strength that can be mine if I only call on His name, I can sense, God's power through this song and it just, makes me feel like God and I can truly take on the world, not to mention, I feel like I can run FASTER and LONGER than with any other song! I LOVE IT!
If you have never listened to it, get a hold of it, it's an awesome song.
So, here is the chorus:
"Bring it on Let the lightning flash, let the thunder roll, let the storm winds blow Bring it on Let the trouble come, let the hard rain fall, let it make me strong
Bring it on Let the trouble come, let it make me fall on the One who's strong Bring it on Let me be made weak so I'll know the strength of the One who's strong Bring it on"
It almost sounds arrogant doesn't it? But it isn't, it's all about WHO our confidence is in, WHO we trust to uphold us, WHO has the POWER.
Recently there have been things going on in my life where I have felt like singing "GIVE ME A BREAK" instead of "bring it on" but I have realized that through the difficult things in my past, He has showed me the strength He can give me, He has let the trouble come, He has let the hard rain fall and He has made me strong, I have fallen on Him, and I have known HIS strength.
So now I can say without fear and without doubt ...Bring It On!!!!!
I love it because it invokes strength and confidence, not in myself, but in God. The One through whom I can "take" anything or anyone. It resonates with what it means to be a child of God and have access to His infinite wisdom and strength, it is invigorating, strong and powerful.
It makes me FEEL the strength that can be mine if I only call on His name, I can sense, God's power through this song and it just, makes me feel like God and I can truly take on the world, not to mention, I feel like I can run FASTER and LONGER than with any other song! I LOVE IT!
If you have never listened to it, get a hold of it, it's an awesome song.
So, here is the chorus:
"Bring it on Let the lightning flash, let the thunder roll, let the storm winds blow Bring it on Let the trouble come, let the hard rain fall, let it make me strong
Bring it on Let the trouble come, let it make me fall on the One who's strong Bring it on Let me be made weak so I'll know the strength of the One who's strong Bring it on"
It almost sounds arrogant doesn't it? But it isn't, it's all about WHO our confidence is in, WHO we trust to uphold us, WHO has the POWER.
Recently there have been things going on in my life where I have felt like singing "GIVE ME A BREAK" instead of "bring it on" but I have realized that through the difficult things in my past, He has showed me the strength He can give me, He has let the trouble come, He has let the hard rain fall and He has made me strong, I have fallen on Him, and I have known HIS strength.
So now I can say without fear and without doubt ...Bring It On!!!!!
Thursday, December 23, 2004
Worship
I was running on the treadmill this morning at my local YMCA, and I usually go through "music phases", I find a CD I really like and wear it out while working out and then move on to another one....well, for the past few months it's been Mercy Me's latest CD, "Undone".
I've found that, as I've been really listening to the lyrics while my mind "zones out" and my body works hard, I have experienced some of the most powerful worship moments at, of all places...the YMCA!
I have allowed God to come and talk to me while I run,and sweat, and sing along in my head with these songs, and I have realized that I am truly worshiping on the inside, even though it doesn't necessarily look like it on the outside.
I don't know why but some of the moments I've been closest to God, have been while I've been surrounded by people, but alone in my heart, with just Him, while running, sweating, and looking....looking for Him. So I wanted to PROCLAIM, put outhere, write out, some of the words that have inspired such worship. Although I am not the author of the words below, they reflect perfectly my heart, a heart that is alive with worship, when I am in the presence of My Lord.
So...here they are, just a random "sample":
"I was taught to be practical in everything I do
Holding on to what is tangible, and then came You
That's when I found myself so far away, from everything I knew I took a leap of faith'
Even though You're difficult for me to explainI know I'll never be the same"
"You're everywhere I goI am not alone You call me as your ownTo know you and be known"
"As long as my heart is beating...Where You lead me I will follow Where You lead me I give my life away Where You lead me I will follow Forever and a day."
ONE particular truth stood out to me as I wrote those words and read them again:
"I know I'll never be the same"
I've found that, as I've been really listening to the lyrics while my mind "zones out" and my body works hard, I have experienced some of the most powerful worship moments at, of all places...the YMCA!
I have allowed God to come and talk to me while I run,and sweat, and sing along in my head with these songs, and I have realized that I am truly worshiping on the inside, even though it doesn't necessarily look like it on the outside.
I don't know why but some of the moments I've been closest to God, have been while I've been surrounded by people, but alone in my heart, with just Him, while running, sweating, and looking....looking for Him. So I wanted to PROCLAIM, put outhere, write out, some of the words that have inspired such worship. Although I am not the author of the words below, they reflect perfectly my heart, a heart that is alive with worship, when I am in the presence of My Lord.
So...here they are, just a random "sample":
"I was taught to be practical in everything I do
Holding on to what is tangible, and then came You
That's when I found myself so far away, from everything I knew I took a leap of faith'
Even though You're difficult for me to explainI know I'll never be the same"
"You're everywhere I goI am not alone You call me as your ownTo know you and be known"
"As long as my heart is beating...Where You lead me I will follow Where You lead me I give my life away Where You lead me I will follow Forever and a day."
ONE particular truth stood out to me as I wrote those words and read them again:
"I know I'll never be the same"
Monday, December 20, 2004
COLD
It's so cold today.....It's about 3 degrees....that's just....entirely too cold for any human being....we're not in the North Pole,so
WHY IS IT SO COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD???????
Ok, I think that's it, that's all I have to say, this cold is not human...I'm moving. In my head I have already moved, I live somewhere where the coldest it ever gets is 50 degrees and it's sunny 90 percent of the time. I live near a beach somewhere and I walk my dog daily for hours at a time...yes, I live in a dream, it's very sad.....
and it's cold out...SO cold that my car wouldnt start this morning, so cold that my dog looks at me with this sad face when I tell her to go out to do her business. I don't blame her, the LAST thing I'd want to do out there now when it is this cold, is...THAT!
That's it, it' just, so cold that the word "cold" just doesn't even begin to express just how COLD it truly is....
WHY IS IT SO COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD???????
Ok, I think that's it, that's all I have to say, this cold is not human...I'm moving. In my head I have already moved, I live somewhere where the coldest it ever gets is 50 degrees and it's sunny 90 percent of the time. I live near a beach somewhere and I walk my dog daily for hours at a time...yes, I live in a dream, it's very sad.....
and it's cold out...SO cold that my car wouldnt start this morning, so cold that my dog looks at me with this sad face when I tell her to go out to do her business. I don't blame her, the LAST thing I'd want to do out there now when it is this cold, is...THAT!
That's it, it' just, so cold that the word "cold" just doesn't even begin to express just how COLD it truly is....
Friday, December 17, 2004
Christmas Concert
Last night some very good friends of ours treated us to a beautiful Philharmonic Christmas Concert AND dinner! :-)
My husband and I got a chance to dress up, have a delicious dinner and hear a beautiful concert.
It was such an enjoyable evening, we had fun with friends, got into the Christmas Spirit, it was truly a gift.
I laid in bed last night after the evening was over, and felt grateful for having such friends in our lives. And I dont just mean the kind of friend that takes you for an evening on the town ;-), I mean, the kind of generous friend who chooses to spend time with you, set aside a whole evening, laugh with you, eat with you, and hear a beautiful concert with you. I truly felt special, I felt that my company was requested and enjoyed as much as I enjoyed everyone's company.
Come to think of it, people have always been important to me. It's always been important to me that the people I consider to be my friends, the people I care about, enjoy their time when I host them,enjoy my company, and my cooking, but most of all, it is important to me that the ones I care about know that I care about them. Many times in my life I have been left wondering if I mattered to someone, and it's not a nice feeling, if I matter to someone, if someone CARES about me, then I want to know, and at the same time I want the people I care about to know that I care and that I enjoy them being in my life, so I'm going to tell them! :-)
My husband and I got a chance to dress up, have a delicious dinner and hear a beautiful concert.
It was such an enjoyable evening, we had fun with friends, got into the Christmas Spirit, it was truly a gift.
I laid in bed last night after the evening was over, and felt grateful for having such friends in our lives. And I dont just mean the kind of friend that takes you for an evening on the town ;-), I mean, the kind of generous friend who chooses to spend time with you, set aside a whole evening, laugh with you, eat with you, and hear a beautiful concert with you. I truly felt special, I felt that my company was requested and enjoyed as much as I enjoyed everyone's company.
Come to think of it, people have always been important to me. It's always been important to me that the people I consider to be my friends, the people I care about, enjoy their time when I host them,enjoy my company, and my cooking, but most of all, it is important to me that the ones I care about know that I care about them. Many times in my life I have been left wondering if I mattered to someone, and it's not a nice feeling, if I matter to someone, if someone CARES about me, then I want to know, and at the same time I want the people I care about to know that I care and that I enjoy them being in my life, so I'm going to tell them! :-)
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
Live like you mean it!
I was watching TV last night, yes, that is a pretty common occurrence for me,and I thought the slogan in one particular commercial was VERY interesting. Granted, the commercial was for Rum, but still.... the Slogan was "Live like you mean it".
Now..Rum or no rum, that's just good advertising! And it got me thinking...that would be a good slogan for Christian Living. In fact, NOT living like one means it would be hypocritical, now wouldn't it? Unfortunately, upon careful scrutiny of my "living" I realized....I have been living hypocritically...I don't mean it(whatever the "IT" may be) a lot of the time...That was a sobering realization.
The realization that sometimes the way I live, isn't authentic, it isn't what I would Do, say, or not do or not say, if I was being TRUE to myself and MEANT it.
I guess, what matters when it comes to "meaning it" is being intentional about our lives, our choices.If we make a choice to NOT be fully honest with others about who we are, it should be clear to US that we are CHOOSING that, intentionally.
I think "Live like you mean it" really means, be a MAN!(or woman), take responsibility for yourself,don't hide, make your choice and stand by it. But then again, what do I know? I don't drink rum and I'm not in advertising ;-)
Now..Rum or no rum, that's just good advertising! And it got me thinking...that would be a good slogan for Christian Living. In fact, NOT living like one means it would be hypocritical, now wouldn't it? Unfortunately, upon careful scrutiny of my "living" I realized....I have been living hypocritically...I don't mean it(whatever the "IT" may be) a lot of the time...That was a sobering realization.
The realization that sometimes the way I live, isn't authentic, it isn't what I would Do, say, or not do or not say, if I was being TRUE to myself and MEANT it.
I guess, what matters when it comes to "meaning it" is being intentional about our lives, our choices.If we make a choice to NOT be fully honest with others about who we are, it should be clear to US that we are CHOOSING that, intentionally.
I think "Live like you mean it" really means, be a MAN!(or woman), take responsibility for yourself,don't hide, make your choice and stand by it. But then again, what do I know? I don't drink rum and I'm not in advertising ;-)
Monday, December 06, 2004
I am chosen
Yesterday the theme of the sermon was "The joy of being chosen".
For as long as I can remember,and I've been thinking about this since the sermon yesterday,I have never been chosen. I was not chosen for sports teams, I was not chosen as a friend, I was not chosen for anything that deserves recognition.
Then a thought occurred to me. My mom once told me about her pregnancy with me. She said that she had some complications and they ran some tests, and the doctor's told her that there was a good chance that her unborn child(me)would have Downs syndrome and to consider ending the pregnancy.
According to my mom, her and my dad sat down at a cafe, and discussed having me versus not having me, and they decided that they definitely wanted to get to "know" me :-).
So as I reflect on this, I feel I was chosen in more than one way. I was chosen by my parents obviously, but I also believe strongly that God was choosing me, at that moment, He had chosen me at conception and knew who I would be before the doctors knew I was even there, but here He was choosing me...AGAIN!
I am here, and I'm alive, and I am who I am, because God chose me, and so did my parents(what they did after I was born is a whoooooooooole different story!)and that's pretty cool.
I was chosen, and so were you :-)
For as long as I can remember,and I've been thinking about this since the sermon yesterday,I have never been chosen. I was not chosen for sports teams, I was not chosen as a friend, I was not chosen for anything that deserves recognition.
Then a thought occurred to me. My mom once told me about her pregnancy with me. She said that she had some complications and they ran some tests, and the doctor's told her that there was a good chance that her unborn child(me)would have Downs syndrome and to consider ending the pregnancy.
According to my mom, her and my dad sat down at a cafe, and discussed having me versus not having me, and they decided that they definitely wanted to get to "know" me :-).
So as I reflect on this, I feel I was chosen in more than one way. I was chosen by my parents obviously, but I also believe strongly that God was choosing me, at that moment, He had chosen me at conception and knew who I would be before the doctors knew I was even there, but here He was choosing me...AGAIN!
I am here, and I'm alive, and I am who I am, because God chose me, and so did my parents(what they did after I was born is a whoooooooooole different story!)and that's pretty cool.
I was chosen, and so were you :-)
Friday, December 03, 2004
Laura who?
I was wrong about who I am. I thought I was someone else. Or more appropriately, I always tried to be someone else. Not anyone in particular mind you, just...not ME.
Not the ME I knew. I wanted to be...NOT clumsy, NOT flaky, NOT unorganized, NOT naturally chunky, NOT needy, on and on.
Among other things, I was an underachiever. If ever there was someone trying NOT to succeed, that was me, or the ME I thought I was, I should say.
Now....professionals agree that people like me, adult victims of childhood abuse that is, tend to become underachievers. In my case, it had to do with expectations or the lack of. If NOBODY expects anything from me, then nobody can be disappointed.
If my mom expected an A and I got an A-, she'd be disappointed and angry, and she concluded that even though in her estimation I was smart enough, I was "too lazy, didn't care, not disciplined, etc". So I learned that I was smart, but that after a while people in my life would accept that I was going nowhere with it.
I accepted this about myself, and moved on.well...not really moved on.
I constantly seeked the approval of others because I felt so...inferior. I hadn't accomplished any of the things my peers had, at one time it was a job, at another was education, a certain body shape, a certain fitness level, etc.
And so, accepting that I was an underachiever meant, I had to "make up" for it in any other way possible. This meant...turning myself into someone I was NOT.
I was trying so hard to be "socially acceptable" or even praiseworthy that in my efforts... I kept wearing myself down and NEVER truly feeling accepted, or good enough...Even after becoming a Christian, my tendencies stayed and I never truly understood what it was to be LOVED AS YOU ARE. How could I possibly understand that, when WHO I WAS wasn't...ME, but just a result of very hard work of becoming someone else??? How could I REST in knowing that God loved me for me, when I was so busy working hard at AVOIDING ME??
Slowly but surely God has been working out His love in my life, in ways that have shown me that I don't have to believe I am anything LESS than anyone else, and thus, I don't have to work extra hard at "making up" for it. I can "abandon" the parts of me I had adopted in the effort to be someone people would like, or even LOVE. So I am clumsy, it's part of me. It's probably the same part that makes me fun and funny....So I'm NOT organized,it's part of me,and it's probably the same part that allows me to enjoy life even in a messy house. I guess the point is, for people like me, who grew up with ALL the wrong "messages" being given to us, we MUST challenge it all. We must put it under God's light and refuse what is NOT from Him.
I am NOT an underachiever, I will not accept that message. I am NOT worth less if I don't perform to certain standards, I am NOT defined by my accomplishments OR the lack of. I refuse to believe any of those messages, all of which have been the driving forces behind my stubborn journey into acceptance.
May My Father in Heaven be gracious and give me the love and strength to continue to challenge those messages, and continue to hold onto the ME that He has made, the ME He has made in His image, not the ME I had created in the world's image.
Not the ME I knew. I wanted to be...NOT clumsy, NOT flaky, NOT unorganized, NOT naturally chunky, NOT needy, on and on.
Among other things, I was an underachiever. If ever there was someone trying NOT to succeed, that was me, or the ME I thought I was, I should say.
Now....professionals agree that people like me, adult victims of childhood abuse that is, tend to become underachievers. In my case, it had to do with expectations or the lack of. If NOBODY expects anything from me, then nobody can be disappointed.
If my mom expected an A and I got an A-, she'd be disappointed and angry, and she concluded that even though in her estimation I was smart enough, I was "too lazy, didn't care, not disciplined, etc". So I learned that I was smart, but that after a while people in my life would accept that I was going nowhere with it.
I accepted this about myself, and moved on.well...not really moved on.
I constantly seeked the approval of others because I felt so...inferior. I hadn't accomplished any of the things my peers had, at one time it was a job, at another was education, a certain body shape, a certain fitness level, etc.
And so, accepting that I was an underachiever meant, I had to "make up" for it in any other way possible. This meant...turning myself into someone I was NOT.
I was trying so hard to be "socially acceptable" or even praiseworthy that in my efforts... I kept wearing myself down and NEVER truly feeling accepted, or good enough...Even after becoming a Christian, my tendencies stayed and I never truly understood what it was to be LOVED AS YOU ARE. How could I possibly understand that, when WHO I WAS wasn't...ME, but just a result of very hard work of becoming someone else??? How could I REST in knowing that God loved me for me, when I was so busy working hard at AVOIDING ME??
Slowly but surely God has been working out His love in my life, in ways that have shown me that I don't have to believe I am anything LESS than anyone else, and thus, I don't have to work extra hard at "making up" for it. I can "abandon" the parts of me I had adopted in the effort to be someone people would like, or even LOVE. So I am clumsy, it's part of me. It's probably the same part that makes me fun and funny....So I'm NOT organized,it's part of me,and it's probably the same part that allows me to enjoy life even in a messy house. I guess the point is, for people like me, who grew up with ALL the wrong "messages" being given to us, we MUST challenge it all. We must put it under God's light and refuse what is NOT from Him.
I am NOT an underachiever, I will not accept that message. I am NOT worth less if I don't perform to certain standards, I am NOT defined by my accomplishments OR the lack of. I refuse to believe any of those messages, all of which have been the driving forces behind my stubborn journey into acceptance.
May My Father in Heaven be gracious and give me the love and strength to continue to challenge those messages, and continue to hold onto the ME that He has made, the ME He has made in His image, not the ME I had created in the world's image.
Sunday, November 28, 2004
"Don't hide your talents!!"
I like to glance ahead at the "future" days on my devotional book, daily bread, etc.
I search the Bible verses and commentaries in the hope of finding the word of wisdom for TODAY. No, I am not known for my remarkable patience ;-)
Well, a couple of days ago, as my husband and I were visiting his family in Ohio for Thanksgiving, I saw a devotional booklet his aunt had sitting on the coffee table. I couldn't resist. I had to look. I had to "glance ahead" at ALL of them. And I believe God smiled down at me and said something like :" allright, here it is, for you" :-) And there it was, it caught my attention because the reference was Matthew 25:25, so I thought to myself :" Hey! I'm 25!!I should check this one out".
It's not a friendly verse the one that comes right after Matthew 25:25...Matthew 25:26 goes something like this: "You wicked and lazy servant, you should have taken the talent I gave you and deposited it,that way I would have at least earned interest"
I don't know about you, but I NEVER want God to look at me and say "You wicked and lazy servant". I got called lazy A LOT as a child and I hated it. But worse than that, I believe it. I believed they were right when they said I would never accomplish anything in spite of how smart and full of potential I was, because of my laziness and lack of discipline. I HATED "knowing" that no matter what I tried, my lazy inpatient "nature" would betray me every time.
But lately God has been saying to me..."Don't listen to that, don't use it as a crutch. Listen to what I AM saying to you. You are valuable, and you have talents, and you MUST invest in order to earn" He's been saying.... "TAKE A RISK....DO ONE THING DIFFERENT, and your perception will change. You will see what I SEE IN YOU:More than just potential...Give of yourself and it will come back to you with interest!"
I won't be the lazy servant. I won't "bury" my talents. I will shine my light, I will spread my salt, I will invest, I will sow, I will give of what I have as well as who I am. And I believe, my Father will smile, and He will bless me.
I search the Bible verses and commentaries in the hope of finding the word of wisdom for TODAY. No, I am not known for my remarkable patience ;-)
Well, a couple of days ago, as my husband and I were visiting his family in Ohio for Thanksgiving, I saw a devotional booklet his aunt had sitting on the coffee table. I couldn't resist. I had to look. I had to "glance ahead" at ALL of them. And I believe God smiled down at me and said something like :" allright, here it is, for you" :-) And there it was, it caught my attention because the reference was Matthew 25:25, so I thought to myself :" Hey! I'm 25!!I should check this one out".
It's not a friendly verse the one that comes right after Matthew 25:25...Matthew 25:26 goes something like this: "You wicked and lazy servant, you should have taken the talent I gave you and deposited it,that way I would have at least earned interest"
I don't know about you, but I NEVER want God to look at me and say "You wicked and lazy servant". I got called lazy A LOT as a child and I hated it. But worse than that, I believe it. I believed they were right when they said I would never accomplish anything in spite of how smart and full of potential I was, because of my laziness and lack of discipline. I HATED "knowing" that no matter what I tried, my lazy inpatient "nature" would betray me every time.
But lately God has been saying to me..."Don't listen to that, don't use it as a crutch. Listen to what I AM saying to you. You are valuable, and you have talents, and you MUST invest in order to earn" He's been saying.... "TAKE A RISK....DO ONE THING DIFFERENT, and your perception will change. You will see what I SEE IN YOU:More than just potential...Give of yourself and it will come back to you with interest!"
I won't be the lazy servant. I won't "bury" my talents. I will shine my light, I will spread my salt, I will invest, I will sow, I will give of what I have as well as who I am. And I believe, my Father will smile, and He will bless me.
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
Today
Today is a good day. Because....it is here, it's available. I am here, Today.
Today I can talk to God and He hears.
Today I can rejoice in His Love and Grace.
Today I can give someone a smile, a hug, a kiss.
Today I can choose not to hold a grudge, not to get impatient with someone who needs my help.
Today is FULL of possibilities, and it seems...it's up to me to make the best of them, or the worst. That's a BIG responsibility! But that's why Today is so great, I am free to make a choice,make a mistake,be forgiven, and keep going, and make it right. I don't have to wait until tomorrow. I don't have to be anyone other than who I am today.I don't have to be who I will be tomorrow. I like that. No pressure...just today.
Today I can talk to God and He hears.
Today I can rejoice in His Love and Grace.
Today I can give someone a smile, a hug, a kiss.
Today I can choose not to hold a grudge, not to get impatient with someone who needs my help.
Today is FULL of possibilities, and it seems...it's up to me to make the best of them, or the worst. That's a BIG responsibility! But that's why Today is so great, I am free to make a choice,make a mistake,be forgiven, and keep going, and make it right. I don't have to wait until tomorrow. I don't have to be anyone other than who I am today.I don't have to be who I will be tomorrow. I like that. No pressure...just today.
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